Learning to Be a Mother

2. The Drunk.

After the curettage, I was advised to rest for a while before returning home. The doctor explained, I had a trauma after the accident hit me. For some time, I was said to have more sensitive emotions and expected to not think much.

However, after hearing my son's words yesterday, who could calm down and forget as if they were just the wind passing by in the cloudy time? Maybe I can cover it up, I can hide my disappointment by busying myself at home later. But I was stupid in lying, I was sad to remember Kalista saying that to me.

Sometimes, I think I'm just charging my husband. I became his responsibility for a lifetime, I became one of the things my children should understand, as if I could not work well. I haven't been able to buy them a lot of stuff and haven't been able to cook as much food as a family in dozens of television commercials.

Simple life is considered okay and fine for some people, but I am always dissatisfied to see my children frowning when I am at home. Either when I get home from school, when I tell her to eat or when she asks for help. I'm sad.

"Mama, what are you going to eat tonight?" asked Fathan who suddenly surprised me through his question, he moved closer to the bed. "Let Fathan buyin."

I smiled knot. "Mama hasn't eaten yet."

Fathan looked at me wondering.

"Calistas have eaten?"

Hearing me ask back, Fathan immediately fixed the location of his clothes as if trying to buy time to find a new answer to my question.

"Udah, Mom. She had eaten at home" he replied with a smile. "Mama ate with Fathan, yeah. Gruel or ...."

My arm stopped his words. "No, Mama doesn't want to porridge. Mama wants some fruit."

"Who is there a fruit shop that opens the malls?" someone came up to us, cut a conversation between me and Fathan. "Not to be choosy, deh. Just eat, you want to go home, right? There's food at home, eat it."

"Calista" called Fathan as if to warn him.

"Why? You always say that, don't you?" The woman replied, then looked at me fiercely. "Beresin the goods, the car has been used so go home to ride a car. I'll go home first."

"We go home together" I responded to him.

Kalista looked reluctant, her gaze seemed to underestimate who I was to her. "No, I have business."

However, when he was about to leave the place, my son then prevented him from leaving by blocking his sister's arm. I think Fathan's emotions were provoked, his glance sharper than Fathan who had previously chatted with me.

"Where else are you going?"

"Appaan, anyway. I told you, I have business!"

"Don't you see Mama again like this?" cetus my first child who had pulled his hand back, he made Kalista's emotions even more heated up. "Not going anywhere, come home."

"It's none of your business, pelein!"

"Gue said diem!"

"Fathan, let's go, let's go." I touched my son's wrist, squeezed him to take off his sister's hand.

I don't want any noise here, nor do I want to force Kalista to accompany me to the house. Even though I wanted to, even though I also seemed to have to apologize for Nathan's birth failure. But the sweater-clothed woman didn't seem to want to be with me.

I'm sad, but I won't force it.

Finally, Fathan relented to the welcome of his sister's departure with legs jerking, making my body limp with a puff of breath that again issued heavy. It hurts.

"Mama, Mama went home first with Oma, yeah. Fathan wants to buy a meal at home, Fathan buyin the fruits."

"No, Fathan went home with Mama."

"Ma ... Fathan promised, buy fruit later go home. Fathan wasn't going anywhere" he said, trying to calm me down, then looked at my mother beside him. "Oma, I'll let you go first, yeah."

"Yes, Honey. Careful."

I stared hard at Mom, she should have refused my son to leave. But Fathan left me here, my face was immediately gloomy considering that Cahyo had not visited either. Huft, it seems like my husband is really angry.

"Mom, do you know where Cahyo is?"

Unfortunately, my mother shook her head. "He's not here yet?"

"Not ..," I replied grimly.

As if understanding my feelings, Mother immediately bent her hand while delivering a warm beam that entered suddenly to the chest. My back and hair were rubbed by him in turn, and then Mom said something.

"You must be devastated by all this, I'm sorry, Laras. I should've known you better, I'm sorry."

I don't know what the problem is, how much influence that creates problems in the household and family. The role of the mother will be a position that is always blamed, questioned, and always required to be perfect. He is greater than a father, stronger than his children.

Lord, I apologize, but I ask permission to be honest before you. I'm tired, I'm tired of always being the one to understand, it's always been an accusation 'this is all because of you!' from husband. I'm sick of hearing that.

I don't know where Cahyo is right now, which I obviously wish he'd met me today. I need her, I want to cry in her arms before hitting her chest because she chose not to be with me here.

I don't know what Cahyo is dealing with right now, I hope he's okay. I wish we could meet tonight.

...***...

Purwasari was showered with drizzle that had inundated several holes in the residential street, welcoming our arrival with coldness towards my house which was in lighting conditions.

I hope Cahyo is home, it's okay if he's in a state of heightened anger. Since I also have the right to be angry later, I can nag him at any time like what he did to me. If I dare.

Get out of the car, I thank the hospital attendant who drove me and Mom home. Since hers was not far from here, she finally left us after chatting and helping to bring my things as well.

I exhaled, looking for a spot of relief on the deep surface of my heart to be patient despite the recent calamity. The door is not locked, if Cahyo finds out about this I must be screaming it all out. I must have been blamed, who'd come in and not lock the door at night like this?

However, I don't think that's going to happen tonight. No one would have thought that my husband was there, lying drunk with so many broken glasses of alcohol on the floor scattered. He fell apart with a dirty shirt stained with the evil drink while trying to regain consciousness again.

"Cahl ...."

"BASIC THIS SON-IN-LAW!"

"MOTHER, NO!"