Learning to Be a Mother

1. Only Beginnings.

I lost my baby.

Somehow every patient in this hospital heard the sad news, received information that made me and they simultaneously grieved while bowing their heads. My baby, Nathan, failed to touch the welcome line in his life.

I was no longer bothered to see them astonished, as if the patients I knew here were wondering, "How can a mother who regularly consults weekly about her content end up with an attitude of silence?"

I also don't know, don't know who to blame but myself. I was the one who was pregnant with Nathan, I took care of him until the third trimester, until my extended family was proud and still treated me with speciality even though Nathan would be in third place.

However, fate took another action. He kept me away from my beloved son, the world took my Nathan first before I hugged him tightly. How can ... This is a form of theft, the world should I report to the authorities! He stole my Nathan!

"Mrs ...."

But I cannot, I fail to look strong in the eyes of my children who hope to meet their beloved sister. I failed to hide these facial wrinkles that became increasingly visible as my eyes invited rain, I could not yet be a good mother to Fathan and Kalista.

What kind of mother am I?

"Mama, please don't think about it. The important thing is Mama still survives until now, Mama is stronger than yesterday."

Hearing my son make a sound, there was a breeze that made my feelings calmer now. I was still crying, I was still dropping tears overwhelmed even though Fathan hugged me for a moment. He's my humble firstborn.

"Not to be dramatic. Mending you out to eat with your father, let me take care of Mama."

If you don't know what it's like to be stabbed by a knife when the chest is full of incisions, those words can be a parable of pain. Yes, but I can't do much either. I don't want to hoard yet.

Finally, Fathan relented, leaving me and Kalista in bed with the coldest awkward atmosphere. A step forward faced me, then touched the back of this hand that was still limp in light of my miscarriage.

"Ma, it's not about God's giving or people's luck. But the mother who did not pantes have another child, not take care of two children just not really let alone three. Yeah, right, Ma?"

"Mirgin ...."

"I'll stay, yes, Ma. Be thankful to God."

Then, Kalista actually left me with the most painful sentence I've ever heard in my entire life. The door was violently closed, leaving me shocked to accidentally invite these tears again.

God, why am I so fucking unlucky?

"Oh, my son ...."

I was aghast to see an old woman hugging me, her embrace was warm even though I had been given a lot of words 'excitement'. Mom, she's my mother I love. My mother is still with me until now and I am grateful to remember her here.

"Mother ... Laras apologizes, Laras can't be a good parent like Mom. Laras has not been able to meet the expectations of many people," I do not dare to look at him now.

"Darling, it's not your fault. I'm sure there's a better plan that's been prepared for you. Please don't give up, Laras. You have to survive for your family. You can't, son?"

...***...

If I said 'can't', would life change? Is Nathan going to come back with another spin in the past? Will I be able to change my fate before I bond with my husband now, Mother?

When I needed his presence, my husband went out of nowhere until he could not accompany me here. At least he needs to visit or give the news can not come, but Cahyo is Cahyo, he never changed after becoming a father.

The woman who was pregnant and gave birth not only sacrificed her own life, but she desperately tried to give her husband the title of a father. That's what I mean, I always wanted to pass it on to my husband.

Five hours have passed, no one has ever seen me again. Whether it was the patient's time to rest or indeed no one cared, for sure, I was still in the worst feeling I had never experienced.

"Mama, Fathan let in, yeah."

Then, the voice actor brought his body to me. With a bowl of porridge still emitting hot steam, his feet moved to the bed with a polite smile.

"Ma, eat the same Fathan, yuk."

But I shook my head. "Later on, Fathan."

"Yes, Fathan will eat later."

"Aren't they lapers?"

"Laper's."

I'm laughing a little. "It's okay, Fathan ate first," I smiled in a knot. "Aren't you with a Kalista?"

There was a moment for Fathan to be silent on the spot, his gaze was no longer colored, even the look on his face was clearly disturbed after hearing my question. Now I'm worried about their condition.

"Calistas again have business, Ma."

I pouted miserably, it seemed like Kalista was disappointed in me like I was in myself. I'm sorry, Kalista. I shouldn't have gone alone under these conditions.

"Where's the father, Fathan?"

I don't know if it's fitting to ask where Cahyo is, but I really hope he can accompany me here. I wanted to meet her even if it was only for a minute, I wanted to hug her for a moment before coming home from this place.

My eldest son seemed confused to answer it, as if secretly looking for excuses and lies what to present to me. From the way the weight exhales and glances to and fro, I already understand what gesticulation means.

"It's okay, Mama understands," I said looking at him for a moment, trying to look calm despite the occasional trembling. "Fathan eat first, yeah. Just sit on the couch, Mama's gonna take a break."

Finally, Fathan. The 17-year-old got up from his chair, put down a bowl of cold porridge to help me lie down for a while, then walked up to the long sofa that was covered by my bed curtain.

Not that I am disturbed by Fathan's presence, but I am not willing to interact with anyone right now.I am still surprised to accept this harsh reality, a reality more bitter than a cup of black coffee.

I exhaled, turning to close my eyes while staring at the ceiling of the room that was caging the oxygen storm in this place. Before long, something was disturbing my vision from another direction. Kulirik for a moment, it turns out my phone is on because of the incoming notification.

After trying to grab and put that thing in my lap, I regretted it. Because again, I was crying alone.

From Cahyo

I'm disappointed.