Between Me, You And Them

I CAN'T AFFORD TO

ELISE

"El..." Tegur bang Nanda in between my daydreams.

The day came for us to do it. We arrived at the clinic earlier than the time.

I told my mom that I didn't come home today and would stay at my friend's house. Sharma is not Purna. I was afraid that my mom would call them both. And they both don't know what.

I don't feel nervous anymore, now I feel more "Death" with all her.

I can only pair all this with the one above.

But the one who looks very worried is Bang Nanda. He went back and forth from the clinic. Sit, stand and sit again. Very unsettled.

Many times he told me not to be afraid. But I think he's the one who's really scared.

I think there's been 4 bottles of mineral water in his drink since we got to the clinic. I'm not sure he'll be able to accompany me later. Because he will be busy going back and forth the restroom later.

"El calm down. Don'tbeafraid. There's a brother." He said tough-ass again to me. Don't you? He's like this again.

"El.." -...." He called me again.

"El don't be mad at you for saying this."

I just nodded. I no longer have the energy to overflow my emotions.

"If El wants to retreat, there's still time for that..."

Hearing her, I just held her thighs and convinced her that I was okay. And I don't have to back off. I'm so sure.

When the time came, my name was called by a nurse to enter the examination room.

I firmly got up from my seat and walked towards her. But I came to a standstill, I realized that Bang Nanda was not beside me.

I looked back again, he was silent stiff in his seat put on a bego face. I've never seen her face so weird now.

It seems like she was really shocked to hear that it was my turn now.

"Bang!" I'm resuscitating him. He flinched and got up from his seat. Bringing our entire luggage into the examination room.

I'm already lying in an USG chair. The doctor said he had to see the condition of his fetus first.

The doctor I came to was a beautiful young woman. He was also very friendly, in contrast to the male doctor I had been to before him. Who can only sneer at me.

He spoke softly too. I don't feel like I have to worry about this anymore.

"We used to USG yes. Let's see the condition of the fetus." He put the device into my stomach. And turn her around.

This time I could see what was in my stomach. It was on the TV screen in front of me.

But.....

My heart suddenly felt a strange feeling. When I saw the picture on that screen.

And when the doctor explained, "This is his hand, this is his leg and his head."

Then the feeling came out great when the doctor asked me if I wanted to see the baby's face. I initially refused, but he didn't listen to me.

He turned the black and white image into a more dimensional image. I can see the tiny curves of the body.

And when the doctor pointed her to the head, I could see her. I can see his face.

My heart was like a dagger. It hurts so much his taste. I don't know why I can feel it. I was numb from earlier.

Bang Nanda clasped my hand when she saw his face. I looked towards her.

I just realized, it turns out that from now on she was crying. Really, I just saw her crying like now.

I don't feel my tears dripping from my cheeks either.

Me why?

Why am I sad?

What do I cry, right?

Then....

The doctor said that Nanda and I could already hear her heartbeat.

Here it feels like all my strong feelings are collapsing as I hear my tears falling down.

"No doc, no need. I don't want to hear." I refused it again, I couldn't.

That heartbeat that's gonna stop soon?

But again the doctor did not listen to me.

Samar I can faintly hear her, can tell her heartbeat rhythm.

Suddenly I let go of my hand that was in the hand of Bang Nanda. I close my ears and scream and cry.

I can't stand it, I really can't.

******

I'm silent again.

Bang Nanda as well.

We were both sitting at the stop.

Aye right. We didn't become.

I decided to go out. I can't take it anymore. Heard..... Seeing....

That from yesterday my mind was determined to do it, suddenly collapsed when I saw and heard his heartbeat.

Just like him, the man sitting next to me. He can make me instantly melt into him.

Is it because this child is his offspring?

But.... I can't. What do I have to do now?

"What should be bang?" Ask me at the end. My voice returned to trembling. Bang Nanda was silent.

"Can't bang! We're already here! we can't back off!" I stood up from my seat.

"ELSI!"

Bang Nanda shouted at me. I'm surprised I'm not playing. Never had she screamed this loud as long as I knew her.

I was silent in front of him.

"That's.... Also...." He hung up his sentence. And wipe his tears.

"That's my son too. I have a right to him." He continued again.

We both are the same.

I got hit again. I'm melting again.

He stood up and approached me.

"We don't do this? We don't have to do that...."

I was crying a mouthful.

Turns out right, I can't. It's true, I'm not ready. It's true, I can't do it....

Make... I feel... I'm not like a human....

It turns out I've been just looking strong all along. It doesn't seem to need anyone. Covering my fears with my anger.

That's why I'm glad Purna turned out the story to Nanda...

That's why I was happy when Bang Nanda stopped me from doing it...

That's why I was so happy when I turned down the doctor for an abortion...

That's why I'm glad I have a reason not to...

Because I've heard his heart. Look at his face.

It turned out to be a very subtle way for the doctor to change my mind...

It turns out I don't want to and can't do it...

But I don't know why I'm happy... The taste that had been stuck all this while disappeared already.

Bang Nanda hugged me who was down crying. No more fighting. No more talking to him.

I just followed and hugged her tightly.

I don't give a shit anymore. I've given up everything that's going to happen in my life after her. Just so I can be with her, and our son....