The Young Wife's Rhyme

7. The Heavy Heart

God, god,

I know that life is a stage play, though,

I know that life is a joke.

God, god,

If accepting everything is your way of making me more mature, can You keep my heart sincere?

God, god,

If accepting all these unjust circumstances is your way of testing my faith, can You keep my heart from

hating You?

God, god,

This heart is torn, this,

This soul melts together with the wounds You have inflicted.

God, god,

I want to be an amazing woman like Maryam bint Imran,

To endure his patience and sincerity in the face of your every test.

God, god,

I want to be a sholihah woman in Your heaven like Aisha the wife of the Prophet,

His struggle and sacrifice accompanied every preach of His Majesty the Prophet.

But God, though,

I'm just an ordinary woman.

Your servant who has not escaped sin and error.

Then God,

If I am not the ordinary woman of your heaven, please do not hate me.

If I am not as patient and sincere as Your beloved servants, please allow me to treat this wound with

blame you for a moment.

Danisa Ainun Mahya's

I'mtired.

I shed my tears for the same thing every day. Yes, it's been two days that I locked myself in my room. Without going out, without food, drinks. Just crying over my bad situation.

Nope. It's not that I want to torture myself, it's just that I'm too weak to deal with this all by myself.

All this time, I was just a home child who always relied on both of my parents. I rarely hang out, socializing with my neighbors only sometimes.

This marriage is my exit from the comfortable life I have lived for nineteen years. I just still did not expect, even the decision I took this time turned out to actually lead me into the abyss of suffering that made me fall so far.

My way of life is dark black. I lost the light to just step forward.

In my silence and tears, I always pray that God will guide me on how to solve this problem. I can't possibly be suing for divorce. Other than because this marriage only lasted two days, then what was the fate of my sisters? What is the fate of their school?

My troubled brain commanded me to accept, but my troubled heart rebelled, wanting to escape as far as I could.

I want to be sincere, but it feels very hard to do.

TOK!

The knock on that door still faithfully bothered me in these two days. The owner behind the door was still patiently persuading me to come out and talk.

I want to talk too. Shedding all the things that were a burden on my mind about this marriage. But this tongue is muddy, only my heart cries out every heart demands justice.

Yeah, I feel cheated. It really feels like a scam to me. Why didn't they tell me honestly that I was going to be made a second wife? Why would they even bother to hide it?

“Can, I'm sorry. I beg you not to be like this, please do not hurt yourself like this. You have to eat.”

Mas Daffa still insisted on persuading me, even though I gave no answer at all. I was just confused as to what I should say when dealing with him.

“There, if you keep kayak gini, I have no choice but to contact your Umi. You certainly do not want to see Umi sad if you know you are like this right?”

I nodded, my tears flowing again. I'm weakest if I have to be linked to Umi. Everything about him has always been my weakness.

In the end, I forced my weak body to stand up. Dragging my legs to open the door. All right, I'm giving up. I don't want Umi to know about my current situation that is so concerning.

“Alhamdulillah.”

A small smile rose on Mas Daffa's face as soon as I appeared in front of him. It looked like his leg face, even almost both arms grabbed me, but I spontaneously dodged.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm just too happy because you finally want to come out,” he said with a guilty face.

I stepped up slightly, sitting in the middle room of the house that was very spacious but felt empty. All right, let's get this over with, my resolve.

“Why hasn't anyone been honest with me in the first place when I was made into honey, Mas?” I tried my hardest to bravely look into Mas Daffa's eyes deeply, trying to force him to tell the truth.

“Sorry Danisa, I have initially tried to meet you to explain everything. But my father and mother always forbid, even do anything so that I can not meet you until after the completion of the agreement. I am also depressed about not wanting to do this, it feels like I am cheating you and your family for this marriage.”

Is correct. It is true that I felt deceived. But seeing the seriousness implied on his face, as well as his tone that sounded very frustrating, I trusted him a little.

“I already have a wife I married three years ago. I love him, but he cannot give any offspring because he has cervical cancer and had to have surgery to remove the uterus. It's okay, I'll still love him. But my parents are not, I am an only child and of course carry the great hopes of both my parents who want to have grandchildren.”

Mas Daffa told me in a sad tone, making my hardened heart slowly begin to soften. He is just as frustrated with me. He did not want this marriage to happen, but his life seemed still in the hands of his parents.

“Then, what about your wife? Does he agree to be combined?” many cold.

Which woman would share her husband with another woman. Although the condition is forcing, surely deep in his heart there will be a feeling of unwillingness.

“Hana is an amazing woman. Before my father and mother forced me to remarry, long ago when I first heard that she had cancer, she told me to get married again, because he was aware that will not be able to give offspring to me.”

Mas Daffa's lips curved wide when talking about his wife. At that time I realized that the man's feelings for his wife were very big and not playing games. Daffa really loved him.

I took a deep breath, momentarily stunned at Mas Daffa's utterance of his wife's sincerity. How come in this day and age, there is such an amazing woman like her?

Suddenly, I felt ashamed of myself. This marriage, not me or Mas Daffa, was the most hurt. But it was the first wife who received the most injuries.

Just because of one flaw, he had to share his love with another woman. Just because she could not give children, she had to give up her feelings, watching her husband marry another woman.

I know that sincerity is heavy, but why is it as if it does so easily?