The Young Wife's Rhyme

2. What about My Dream

It's been two hours since Mr. Usman's departure, I locked myself in my room. Even the call of Umi and Abi was not ignored. I'm sorry Umi, Abi, I didn't mean to disobey you. But honestly I wasn't ready for all this.

I don't know how I feel now. I don't know what to react to Abi's acceptance of Mr. Usman's proposal. Abi, I'm not ready for this.

Wh why? Why did Abi decide all by herself without asking what I thought? How am I feeling?

I grimaced, feeling my heart throb. So painfully.

I covered my face with a pillow, I pressed the pillow firmly. I roared with all my might behind it. Why does it hurt so much? Even after I shouted with all my might, the pain did not want to get out of there.

O God, has this indeed been described to me?

I cried as hard as I could. I want to dry all my tears until the pain that hurts me is gone. I want to sleep after this and hope when I wake up, everything that happens tonight is just a dream.

***

I felt a very heavy dizzy hit my head this morning. The dawn prayer that flowed from the mosque next to my house roared loudly, waking me up until my eyes opened perfectly. As usual, it makes me want to not have to immediately perform morning worship.

My steps felt heavy when I came out of the room and passed Umi who was waiting in front of my room, waking me if I was bad luck for morning prayers. Umi looked at me with her pouty face, making my heart somewhat waver. Because I can't stand Umi's face at least. I can't bear to.

But this time, I was determined to harden my heart. I lowered my head, walking past Umi just like that towards the bathroom to get some water. Sorry Umi, I'm not ready to talk to you.

Finished ablution, when I was going back to my room, this time I passed Abi who took the youngest Adnan, seemed to have just returned from mushola. I sped up, but my legs came to a standstill as Abi's voice called out to me.

“Nisa, after breakfast Abi will talk to you. Please don't dodge and dread Abi all right.” Abi spoke softly. But I could hear a heavy sigh between the pauses of his voice.

I didn't answer, it just passed. Like I said, I'll harden my heart. I respect both my parents, I love them. All this time I never defied a word that Abi or Umi ordered. But for the case this time, I can't just obey.

Isn't this my life? Don't I have the right to rule my own life?

I entered the room with a heavy step. It turned out last night was real, huh? Until I woke up, it didn't change.

I held my prayer rug, preparing to prostrate. Spilling all my grievances on my Lord. For who else would hear my groans if not God?

Oh God, please give me a hint. What do I have to do to deal with all this? I surrender to You, O God.

***

My heart rebelled again. Outside, Abi and Umi take turns knocking on the door, telling me to come out for breakfast. While I was still immersed in this very complicated thought. I accidentally didn't leave the room before my sisters left for school. I don't want them to see my fight with Abi and Umi.

“Nisa, let's have breakfast first. We need to talk and straighten things out, son. Umi beg Nisa.” Umi's voice outside sounded weak and desperate, making me again want to shed tears.

I glanced at the wall clock on my desk. It's already at half-eight, surely my three sisters have already left. I strengthen my heart. Yeah, I gotta talk to them. I have to express my opinion, because after all this is my life.

Slowly, I opened the door of my room, and it was greeted by a warm smile Umi. I put on a thin smile. Yeah, I shouldn't be childish with a snack like a five-year-old. Let's get everything done.

“Umi have cooked your favorite honey roasted chicken. You must be hungry from last night not to eat, right?” Umi endlessly smiled, walking around with her arms linked to mine. Umi rubbed my upper arm with warmth.

That's how Umi, always good at taking my heart with all her warmth and tenderness. It makes me feel guilty if I get angry with him.

At the dinner table, Abi seemed to be done with his breakfast. He was still sitting there with the newspaper in his hand while sipping bitter coffee, his habit every morning. Besides of course for wanting to talk back to me.

“Eat first we just talked,” Abi said, looking at me for a while before returning his attention to the newspaper in his hand.

I chew chicken roasted honey made by Umi that feels bland, but usually I was always greedy if Umi cooked it even every day. Either because Umi does not spice it up, or because my mood is not good.

After finishing my meal, I put the dirty dishes in the sink, washing them like I have been doing since childhood. I again sat down beside Umi after finishing my work. Looking at me who was sitting back, Abi folded his newspaper and looked at me. He took a deep breath before opening his voice.

“Nisa, sorry Abi and Umi if last night we might hurt your heart. Abi just want to give the best for you, because all this time Abi and Umi may not be optimal to make you happy. Before giving that decision, Abi was already thinking carefully. Also talked to Umi, so we did not immediately make a decision.”

I listened carefully to every word that came out of Abi's mouth. Indeed, I little believe, that there is no way my parents will plunge his son to marry just any man. It's just one thing I can't accept. Why don't they ask my opinion as a child and someone who will live it?

“Abi believes that your candidate is a good person. In addition to Abi also know his father well, this man is well established and worthy to guide you about religious science. Abi is sure you will have a comfortable life with him.”

“Abi, Nisa's not ready to get married. Nisa is still in college. Nisa still has goals and dreams that Nisa must achieve.” I cried out in despair. I wish anyone could understand my feelings.

“Nisa, honestly Abi and Umi are against you for college. Because as a woman, your age is enough to get married. Abi and Umi do not want you to be stuck with a bad man and the wrong association. Getting married is one of the ways Abi protects you.”

Hearing it, somehow made both my eyes feel hot. There are some clear hairs piling up there. Jostling to burst out, making my sight blurry.

Wh why? Why is it so taboo for women like me to go to higher education? Why in modern times like this, his family still upholds patriarchy.

“Abi, Umi, why are you guys like this? Nisa wants to get married, but not now. Not with a man who does not even Nisa know what his face and disposition are like. Abi, does Nisa not have the right to choose?”

“No!” Abi shouted out firmly. The look on her face began to harden, making my nyaliku shrivel because just this time I saw Abi who looked very angry. “You're a girl Nisa. You are chosen instead of choosing! And now that there are men who voted for you, you should be grateful instead of against!”

Very amusing. Maybe for Abi, I am an item that will be released when someone likes and chooses me. I never thought that at my nineteenth year, I had been forced to marry a man for a match.

My tears instantly shed along with the broken pieces of my heart. Staring at Abi and Umi alternated with loud cries. “Then what about me? What about my wish? What about my dream? Should I let them go for this wedding?”