The Young Wife's Rhyme

23. The Undivided Taste

God, god,

I want to fly a question

I want You to answer it.

God, god,

Why did you create this heart so fragile?

Why do you cultivate this feeling to the point of hurting the ego?

God, god,

I want to rest in front of You,

I wanted to embrace all the prayers I had delivered in the last third of the night.

It also melts the naive ego within itself with the pseudo-shadows.

But God, though,

Can I get lost in this feeling?

All the sins I didn't want, but I couldn't get rid of.

Immerse yourself in two hearts who know who the real owner is.

Then God,

Please help me.

In order not to misinterpret every taste that You grow.

Please strengthen this heart,

That I am wrong and should not be subject to a heart that cannot be controlled.

Danisa Ainun Mahya's

“Can.”

The voice echoed right after I finished the last verse on my random notebook. I turned my head, found Mas Daffa who entered the room and smiled at me.

I returned with the sweet smile I had. It was great to see his figure after a full week he accompanied Ms. Hana. But when I looked at his line, my smile was made to fade when I saw his expression change.

What's up this time, Mom?

My gut tells me there are bad things my husband will say. I waited, staring silently at the very different Mas Daffa this time. The man sat himself on the bed and daydreamed at the empty air before him.

I refused to ask, not wanting to force Mas Daffa to open his mouth if he did not want to tell a story.

“Can, I'm sorry,” said Mas Daffa in a weak tone.

I raised my head, straightening my gaze towards his two sharp beads. I looked at him with a flat face that might make Mas Daffa back silent after opening his mouth to continue his speech.

 Five minutes passed, and we were still in the same position.

I began to be alarmed by this gripping situation of silence. My heart and brain were busy throwing speculations at each other about what made Mas Daffa apologize.

“Can-“

We fell silent again with the agitation that was becoming more and more acute. But I immediately gestured for Mas Daffa to speak first.

He seemed to breathe out a few times before finally saying in a weak tone, “I can't make you make the next week, Danisa. Hana is still recovering and she asked me to make nemenin there longer.”

Surprisingly, I was not surprised at all.

I turned my body back to the mirror, turned back to Mas Daffa without giving a direct answer. This is the second time. That means two weeks in a row I'm lonely in this house.

I busied myself with the pen and the book in my hand, scribbling its contents randomly. It's free that if I issue a word of prohibition, it's certain that Mas Daffa will slightly force me to understand.

I left after being satisfied with my random streak. I moved from my seat with my mouth still locked. I can see with my tail if Mas Daffa's eyes are busy following me wherever I walk.

I opened my closet, pulled some clothes out of there. I snorted with an irritated heart.

“Go home, Ma'am Hana needs you more. You can find me at my parents' house later if you really need me,” I said in a flat tone. My metamar was looking around in the corner of the closet where I used to store bags and suitcases.

“Can!”

Mas Daffa exclaimed in a slightly raised tone. But it did not hinder my movement which quickly put the clothes and hijab into a sizable tote bag. I thought it would be better to stay calm for longer at my parents' house.

“Please don't be like this. I'm asking for your understanding just a little.” Mas Daffa's tone weakened, reaching for my hand that was busy folding clothes.

My hand stopped when I felt Mas Daffa's tight grip. But of course, that wasn't enough to ease my frustration. I was silent, neither replying nor responding.

“I also ask for a little understanding, Mas.” I said flatly, reluctant to look him in the eye directly. “I'm lonely in this house alone while you're with Mommy Hana there. This is the second time and you still keep asking me for understanding? Please, you know me too. I am also a human who needs social interaction, not constantly staying in this house alone.”

Yes, I am selfish.

I realized that it was only made the second, especially forced by circumstances. Of course Mas Daffa will prioritize his first wife whom he married on the basis of love.

But I am also a wife. I am not an actor who is present intentionally among them. I was also married with the blessing of my first wife and both parents. Shouldn't I be treated fairly?

“Mas, let me be selfish this time. Allow me to forbid you from going to see Madam Hana. Allow me to ask you here and accompany me. If you can't, I won't make it. But please, let me go home to my parents. I miss them,” my way out in a weak tone.

My shoulders slumped down, along with the muttering of an apology that came out of Mas Daffa's mouth again. It is true that I will always be second.

I snorted, not wanting to expect much from Mas Daffa which in fact still could not be fair even though there was a written agreement between us. It is true that dropping hope on humans is a big mistake. Man is a place of error and sin, just like man who always scratches a sense of disappointment.

I finished with my tote bag, now switched to wearing a hijab hanging in the closet. I don't want to be stuck in this house alone. Silent and silent. Although I like it sometimes, I often feel suffocated by the feeling.

“Can, let me drive you home,” by Mas Daffa grabbed the bag I was ready to carry.

I pulled the bag until Mas Daffa's hand held him loose. Moaning slowly I said softly, “no need, Mas. Quickly you go home before Mbak Hana whines to ask ditemenin.”

Mas Daffa loosened his shoulders to hear what I might have said sarcastically, but I didn't care. I took his right hand, kissed the back of my husband's hand politely. At least I don't forget my manners as a wife who still respects my husband.

“I go home first Mas,” pamitku. “Don't forget to lock all the doors and windows. Oh yeah, I didn't bring the key because I won't be home before you pick up.”

I slowly left the room, which I had spent almost a month alone. Didn't expect that Mas Daffa would prevent me from leaving because I knew that Madam Hana was the most important thing.

I let out a long sigh, feeling the struggle of my heart that felt countless aches. There is nothing I can expect from someone whose heart and feelings cannot be shared.

Mas, I am also your wife not only your empty housekeeper.