The Young Wife's Rhyme

17. Not the Wrong Destiny

God, god,

I don't know if destiny is always like this

Cruel, unimaginable, also undeniable.

God, god,

I know that Your line of power never deviates

I know that destiny alone will find its way.

God, god,

I'd like to ask you a question

I doubt it, though,

Has your destiny ever been misdirected?

But God, though,

I would be most guilty if I doubted You and Your great judgment.

It is true God,

I am just an ordinary woman who is still weak in faith and fear,

Still not fully convinced, that destiny never met the wrong person.

That it is true God,

I should not blame fate.

Only the extreme of me cannot resist my desire to vent my anger, the line you have set.

I'm sorry, God.

Danisa Ainun Mahya's

Two days I was just pensive in the room like a living creature but like a dead one. My days are still full of cloud cover, as if it were free if I was the only one who tried so hard to get rid of it. I need someone to revive my spirit that flew somewhere.

Two days ago too, I cried with Umi. Lamenting the fate that befalls me. The risk of becoming a second wife was more difficult than I imagined.

At first, I thought I only needed to cover my ears from the scathing talk of people. I thought, I just need to think about my family that is fully dependent on my marriage. I thought I could take it all by myself.

Turns out I was wrong. I'm not that strong.

My head bowed, closing the notebook that had been my place of impingement. I can't cry anymore, because it looks like my stock of tears I've spent the last two days.

I pondered, recalling my conversation with Umi two days ago.

“Nisa, please do not hesitate to talk to Umi whenever you have a problem. Umi as much as possible will help you.”

“Umi ..” I was crying as much as I could. No power to withstand the turmoil in my chest that is increasingly exploding and it feels now is the time to explode.

“Nisa doesn't want to be in this wedding, let alone be a second wife. Nisa wants to live free and live life according to what Nisa's own interests and dreams. Nisa doesn't want to marry someone who doesn't love Nisa, huhuhu ..”

My chest felt so painful it was like being hit by a blunt object a thousand times. I still don't understand, why can my destiny be so cruel as to play me like this?

“Nisa wants to go to college until S3, Nisa has a dream to go to school in Cairo. Nisa wants to be a teacher. Nisa wants to meet the man Nisa loves and love Nisa too. Nisa wants to work until success and be able to lecture her sisters and realize their ideals.”

“Umi, Nisa still has many dreams. Is Nisa even entitled to make it happen?”

Umi hugged me tightly, letting me wet her clothes with the melt of my tears that stupidly did not want to stop flowing. Many times Umi muttered an apology in my ear.

No, I don't blame Umi.

I blame the circumstances of my family for having to rely on Mas Daffa's family.

I blame myself for not having the courage to refuse.

If only I had dared to refuse, would I still be able to hold on to my dreams?

I don't know the answer, but I want to know.

“Nisa, Umi knows you are so disappointed. Umi also knows all your desires and dreams that are so eager to fly high. Umi also wants you to make it happen. But, this time Umi is wrong because it cannot protect your dreams. Sorry Umi, Nisa.”

I'm shaking. The nudge of my cry made the roar of my breath hunt down and the throbbing chest ache. Just this time I was crying so hard, after all this time I could only harbor all my own feelings.

I thought I could bear it.

I thought my shoulders were strong enough to support my own rattles.

I thought, as a first child I shouldn't be whiny and give up easily.

But I was wrong. I realized, that I am still a human who has reasonable limits to hold inner lara.

I still need someone's shoulder to lean on when my own shoulder has slumped with the weight of life's burden.

“If you are unhappy, let go of Nisa. Do not force your feelings and heart. Don't sacrifice yourself just to please others. You need to be happy too, son. You need to make yourself happy first before making others happy.”

If only it were that easy. If only I could be a little more selfish. Surely I will not be stuck here, with a stranger who suddenly became my husband overnight. Used only to conceive a foreign boy under the guise of a husband.

“Then, does Nisa also have to be quiet if she sees miserable sisters and can't go to school?” tanyaku. Waiting for answers to questions is easy but obviously very difficult to answer.

I rubbed my face rough, staring at the empty air in front of my eyes wistfully. “Umi, can that destiny be wrong?” I was half delirious.

The tail of my eyes glanced at Umi's petrified expression for a moment. Looking for the right answer to my question. Umi's hand stretched out, stroking my wet cheek by the crystal clear melt of my eyes.

“Destiny is never wrong, son. What's wrong is our choice, man. How your destiny is tomorrow, is the fruit of your choice now. So, whatever you want to decide from now on, will be the result of destiny for you tomorrow.”

Yes, Umi says destiny is never wrong.

It was my wrong choice from the start, which brought me into this bad destiny. A choice I shouldn't have made.

Regretted? Of course it is.

Now I'm forced to go back to thinking hard, deciding which one to choose so I don't get caught up in a wrong destiny again. One step that deviates will certainly have a huge impact on my next step.

To be honest, I've found the answer that I think is right. But in just a few seconds after, a huge stumbling block again blocked my steps.

The shadow of my three little sisters who needed the comfort of life, again tore my ego. Destroying it until it disappeared was not left, flying it up into the sky in harmony with my once-hardened tears.

Ghina, I promised you I'd be happy.

Ghina, if my happiness is to let go of this marriage, what do you think?

Ghina, I don't want you to follow me tomorrow.

Ghina, may Allah cultivate a little selfishness in your heart so that you will not be trapped like me.

Ghina, your kangen sister.

Among my three sisters, Ghina was already like a friend to me. Besides being the greatest of all, his mature thinking made me love him very much.

Ghina, brother wants to let go of this suffering.

Ghina, sister doesn't want to be a honey.

Ghina, sister is tired and wants to sleep for a long time.