The Young Wife's Rhyme

16. I'm Not Alright

This morning I woke up with a very heavy head, like carrying tons of weight. Even I felt my cheeks so dry because of the tears that were shed from crying all night long.

My face must be ugly now. My nose was so cold and my eyes were heating up. I glanced at the mirror on the dresser, wanting to see how I looked after crying all night. But my body feels so heavy, especially my head. Finally I undo the intention, and turn back to closing my eyes, resting my head and brain that seemed to be about to explode.

I'm so weak.

Just because of the scorn of some people, my mentality immediately bounced. Falling trampled to the point of not being able to hold his head up.

What is my fault?

What is wrong with being a second wife?

Besides, this isn't all my wish either. Those who look at me cynically and reproach me, just don't know how things really are. They were only spectators, but dared to comment on the main character's life.

Again, I can only grumble in my heart. I don't have the guts to yell and curse at those who talk about my life.

Yeah, I should have been braver. I should have been able to hold my head up to defend myself. Yeah, should.

My head felt heavier when I was forced to remember. But I have to force myself because today Umi will visit here. At least I can't show that I'm fucked up like this.

I forced my body to wake up, having to prepare to clean up and welcome Umi. But because it was too dizzy, my body again drooped.

“Do not wake up first, last night your body is hot fever.”

Mas Daffa's heavy voice burst in, echoing through the silence of the room. He was carrying a tray of water and a bowl I didn't know what was inside.

Mas Daffa positioned himself beside me, sitting on the edge of the bed. His back stretched out, checking the temperature of my forehead. I silently watched her, enjoying the warmth that flowed through my face and body as quickly as our skin touched.

“You didn't go to work? Yesterday was your last vacation, Mas.”

I felt my throat so hoarse and could even hear my own voice so stingy. Also the heat coming out of my breath, signifying that I really have a fever.

Ah, how is this? Today Umi is coming. Umi can't see me sick like this, she could be worried.

“Nothing, I'll take another day off. Anyway, I am the boss so free to come at any time,” said Mas Daffa while laughing.

“Terus Mbak Hana how?” ask me again, trying to stare at the two neutrals that seemed to avoid me since last night after the incident.

Daffa did not answer. He was busy compressing cold water to stick it on my forehead so that the fever was reduced. Not knowing what he was thinking, the look on his face turned slightly moody.

You must miss Hana, right, Mas?

“Nothing, tomorrow I can go there. You will get sick later who will take care of you? Hana at home is already the same Mother, kok.”

It took him five minutes to answer my question. Indicates that he thinks very hard to issue a response that feels right. I know he doesn't want to hurt me or Ms. Hana.

I smiled very thinly. My heart became troubled to see the lethargic face of Mas Daffa. I felt sinful because just because of my pain, Mas Daffa had to endure his longing to meet his beloved wife.

“Mas, if you want to go home to see Hana Ma'am, I'm fine. Hana is also sick, she needs you more. I'm okay with a fever, I just need a break. Oh yes, it will be noon also Umi want to come here, so if you want to go home is okay, there will be Umi who take care of me.”

I noticed the look on Mas Daffa's face that had been cloudy, gradually brightened back. It is true, that only the presence of Ma'am Hana who can publish a bright smile belongs to the man.

I have no right to be disappointed, I'm just a new person who came uninvited to this wedding. Strangely, one corner of my heart was disappointed.

I nodded quickly, smiling reassuringly. “Iya I'm fine, Mas.”

No. gabe. I'm actually not okay. I need you, Mas.

***

“Umi, Nisa kangen!”

I ran to greet Umi who got off the taxi with her signature smile that I always liked. Hurrying into his warm embrace, smelling the scent I so longed for.

Umi's sweet smell can always calm me down. Even my head that was very heavy this morning, now feels lighter when in the deck of the beloved Umi.

I am grateful that my fever soon subsided because Mas Daffa took good care of me. So when Umi arrived this afternoon, my condition was quite healthy. It's just a little dizzy, but I can still tolerate it.

“Where are you going?” ask Umi while looking around the house. I'm soon

take her in and sit in the living room.

“Work, Umi. Last week I took a leave of absence and nemenin Nisa,” I said lying. Obviously Mas Daffa did not leave today, because for the next week, he will be on the side of Mba Hana.

As soon as we reached the living room, Umi did not immediately sit down. He smiled at me. But a smile full of different meanings, which I don't know what they mean. Lamat, makes me worry.

The next thing I did not expect, Umi just shed tears. Of course it made my happy smile fade and panic at once. Umi took me into her arms tightly.

“Umi why? Any problems at home?” tanyaku worried when he heard the sobbing Umi increasingly bitter.

“Sorry, Nisa. Because of the selfishness of Umi and Abi, you have to end up like this.”

I don't understand what Umi's crying about. Why is Umi apologizing? What the hell is it?

I stroked the small back of Umi who looked fragile at this moment. Normally, that back is the strongest back ever. The place I was leaning on when it felt like things were suffocating me cruelly.

This time, his back was weakened. It looks fragile and helpless.

“Nisa, it is not too late if you want to withdraw from this marriage. Umi will help. Umi does not want you to get a bad stigma in the community because she became the second wife,” Umi's crying increasingly bitter.

Umi, it turns out he already knows my situation. It is free however I try to cover it, gradually all will know.

I felt like I had been slapped so many times hearing the roaring cries of this woman who gave birth to me. Umi's cry returned a bad memory last night, when Mas Daffa's friend who looked at me cynically and spoke ill before me.

Right, it hurts. Just hearing someone else judge me badly made me cry all night. I'm not okay. I'm ill. I'm wounded. Even at a time like this, Mas Daffa would really rather go see Ms. Hana than accompany me.

Yes, I told him to leave. However, my little heart actually wished it would stay even for a day, at least to calm me down.

I cried loudly in Umi's arms. It brings out all the emotions I hold myself.

It's too heavy and I can't carry it myself.

Me, I'm really not okay.