The Young Wife's Rhyme

10. First Night

“Huft ..”

I exhaled many times to just reduce the nervousness that started attacking me in a row. My two legs did not even want to stop pacing in front of the dressing table while occasionally looking at the figure of myself reflected in the mirror.

I don't know why I could do this. Thinking that I should sleep with Mas Daffa tonight made me nervous. I wasn't ready. What if Mas Daffa asked for his right as a husband to be served his inner needs? Is it not my duty as a wife to fulfill it?

Oh, my God, but I'm really not ready! Just thinking about it has made me goosebumps unreasonably.

Busy with my mind and mind at war, the sound of knocking at the door blew away my daydream. Unknowingly made me hold my breath in fear, realizing Mas Daffa was behind the door, voicing my name.

“Y-ya?”

Duh, why is my voice shaking anyway? My heart also felt unable to work together, suddenly beating madly.

“I can enter?” asked Mas Daffa politely, making my stomach tingle for a moment.

“Iya, please Mas.”

I immediately turned my back to the door when I heard the doorknob being turned and Mas Daffa's steps approaching. I bit my lower lip hard and my fingers squeezed together, to reduce my nervousness.

“You why haven't you slept, Danisa?”

“Can't sleep yet Mas,” I replied accordingly. There's no way I'd answer that I'd be stiff and awkward if I had to be told to serve him, right?

“Sleep, let tomorrow not bad luck praying dawn.”

I faintly heard the creaking springbed sound, but I was too afraid to turn around to look at Mas Daffa. I knew Mas Daffa was already waiting on the bed. But what am I supposed to do now?

I was still quietly glued to my place, my cold sweat started to drip. I began to tread slowly, still with my body turned back on Mas Daffa. Inching little by little until my feet felt touching the end of the springbed.

“I know you're not ready for this wedding, Danisa. So I will not force you to serve me as a wife. No need to be afraid because I will not say anything to you,” said Mas Daffa softly.

His words slowly made me dare to turn around, staring at the face of the man who was smiling gently for a moment. My heart is a little relieved because for tonight I am still safe and do not have to serve him, even though tomorrow he will still keep his words.

I understand that even if I get married by force, the meaning of marriage will never change. Sacred because it is bound by the pledge to the Creator directly. I realized, so when I decided to accept this marriage, I was determined to serve Mas Daffa as well as I could as a wife.

Even though I wasn't ready, I always tried to be ready whenever Mas Daffa needed me.

I could hear Mas Daffa breathing out his long, heavy-sounding breath. Even if I don't say it, I know he's thinking about Hana right now.

“Do not think too much, Hana is still hurt because of some calamities that have happened to him in the last two years. She was eager to have a child, and when she found out that her uterus had to be removed, she became depressed and could not accept herself.”

I was stunned, imagining how strange the inner wounds suffered by Mbak Hana. Even I myself would not be able to deal with it if it all happened to me.

“Then, how was Mas Daffa himself? Ma'am Hana says you'd love to have a child.” I turned my face away, looking at the man who was busy with the thick philosophy book he was reading. I don't know when I started having the courage to talk openly to her. “I'm fine Mas, besides the purpose of your parents married us so that I could conceive your child.”

Mas Daffa's two dark eyeballs stopped rotating as I said those words. I watched his face, his jaw began to harden and the finger that was preparing to open the next page of the book immediately stopped. Stuck in the empty air.

I just want to be honest, not want any more lies even though Mas Daffa may only consider me a wife he does not love. He's been nice to me and really kept up his attitude, but what's the point of it all if he just did it out of guilt. There is no love or just love. All he has given to Mbak Hana a.

I did not expect much, also realize my position that my existence here is only as a form of obligation to pay Abi's debt of gratitude. But, if it is true that I will be required to conceive Mas Daffa's child, how can I do it with someone who does not love me.

“Can.”

The heavy voice of Mas Daffa calling out my name sounded heavy and deep. I tried to stare at the two dark eyeballs that were now looking at me with a sharp and piercing look, making goosebumps begin to run through my body.

The man looked different with eyes that were as sharp as that eagle. For a moment it made me feel glued because of the deep gaze as if trying to drown me.

I admit. That Mas Daffa is handsome and has strong charisma. His existence was like a magnet that attracted anyone who exchanged glances with him, not least me. I swallowed the saliva as Mas Daffa advanced the body, almost squeezing me who was leaning against the springbed.

“Iya, I really want to have a child. But I told you that I will be patient waiting for you. Why do you keep fishing me? Listen carefully Danisa, I married you only because of the demands of both my parents. So, don't expect that I will touch you with love, because my heart is forever only for Hana.”

I held my breath hearing Mas Daffa's tone of voice that was so cold and shackled. In the end, his true heart contents came out as well.

I expected it. I already know for sure. But hearing it myself from Mas Daffa's mouth, somehow made my heart ache. The pain is immeasurable.

But I tried to smile, not to be intimidated by him. “I know without you having to explain. I'm just doing my duty, Umi's message to be a good wife to you, Mas. Also I carry the great hopes of both your parents who are eager to have a successor for their family.”

Mas Daffa's body, which had stiffened before, had now begun to soften. He kept his distance again, pulling his body away from me.

“You don't have to try to love me, Mom. I know how, your love for Ma'am Hana is limitless and I won't bother you. I want to get away from this marriage when I give birth to your son.” I stopped, feeling my throat choked. The pain again strangled me mercilessly, making my rounds of tears eager to spill.

I looked up, looking at Mas Daffa's dark iris. “I don't want to be stuck in this loveless marriage, for the rest of my life. So, please let me go when your wish has been realized.”