The Young Wife's Rhyme

18. Let's Divorce

I spent a week in lonely shackles. Every day all I do is sleep, eat, go to the bathroom. So it keeps repeating. Makes me feel like my life is meaningless.

I feel empty.

The fact that Mas Daffa hadn't contacted me at all since coming home to Ms. Hanna's house, somehow made me very angry and disappointed. Even I myself have always felt strange with the change in my feelings and heart that is always unpredictable.

I feel abandoned.

Now I feel like I mean nothing.

A marriage that has not lasted for a month has, to be honest, made me tired. I cry more than laugh happily. Is this the real reality of marriage?

I don't know, I don't understand either.

I'm frustrated. I had no interest in leaving the bed and the blanket that had rolled up my body since dawn. My appetite was gone, and I realized that this depression was slowly taking over me and almost taking over half my life.

I can't go on like this, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do either. I just feel like I always make the wrong decision every time I'm faced with a difficult choice. A decision I finally have to regret.

My body felt stiff and did not want to move, even though both my legs heard the knocking of shoes that burst into this house. Whether it's a thief or a robber I don't want to know. I have no energy to get up.

I even forgot that it had been two days that my stomach was not filled with proper food. The dishwasher in the kitchen was also long ago let until maybe now the smell is unbearable.

I don't give a shit. I just want to sleep.

TOK!

The knock on the door still could not move my body. I shook my head, not wanting to get up until I heard the door knob playing.

“Can? You sleeping?”

Ah, that's Mas Daffa's voice. A very distinctive heavy voice that I myself could instantly recognize. Also his trademark mint-flavored perfume that pierced my sense of smell and filled the entire room.

I could feel the sound of Mas Daffa's footsteps slowly approaching me. Both ends of his dark eyes glanced at me, his forehead shriveled when he saw me not responding even though my two beads were wide open.

“Can? You sick?” He asked again.

Shouldn't he already know the answer? Why bother asking? Shouldn't he have realized that he left me when I was sick and hadn't called for a week or so.

Mas Daffa lowered his body, crouching down until our two beads were in a straight line. I could feel him looking at me with a soft and pitying look.

“Why you?”

My mouth won't open even if it's just a reply. Instead my eyes reacted faster, highlighting you without being asked.

Unexpectedly, Mas Daffa's hands moved quickly. Without throwing any questions, his thumb rubbed my wet cheek. He was silent, just looking at me gently, making my heart waver again.

I made a different decision before. Decisions that I believe can change my life destiny for the future. But looking at that handsome face with those two gentle gazes, made me again doubt the decision I had thought through.

I wonder what all this means.

Or is this just a temporary feeling because I feel an attachment due to this marriage?

I was trying to find answers to both of the man's beautiful beads. But I only found a void in it. Then, what does all this mean?

I flicked away the blanket that had originally covered the entire body down to the neckline, forcing my weak body to rise up and fight against Mas Daffa's gaze that seemed to intimidate me.

Kuseka with a rough flow of clear bulir that is still hard on the cheeks. Trying to strengthen my heart to re-collect my scattered wits, to force him to stay in the original decision.

“Mas, let's get divorced,” shoot me directly.

I could see Mas Daffa's startled expression. His body seemed to stiffen and his two manics exuded a question. He did not react much until we were submerged in silence for a few moments.

“Do I make a fatal mistake?”

It was the first thing he asked me. A question that I find very difficult to answer.

“No. It's not your fault, Mom. It was my own fault for making the wrong decision. And as it turns out, things are out of control and the reality is more painful than what I imagined.”

Daffa looked petrified. He did not say a word, rewinded his body and shuddered to re-establish his body.

“This marriage hurts us all. Me, you and Mommy Hana. This is not what you expected either. I don't want people to look me in the eye just because I'm a second wife. I don't want to hurt my fellow women just to repay Abi's debt. Me, you or Ms. Hana, certainly have nothing to do with our parents. We shouldn't throw ourselves into their business.”

I tried to speak firmly as to what my logic says, because I could not keep putting forward my feelings and my weak heart.

I just want to be selfish for now. I want to escape and be free to live the life I want. I don't want to be a shackle and an old man's gun to repay a debt of gratitude, as if I were a tradeable item added to property and money.

I want to be me again. Danisa, the little girl who has a lot of dreams.

Mas Daffa breathed a long heavy sigh. His head was down and weak. He scrunched his nose in agitation.

“There, I can't do that,” Mas Daffa replied after a long silence. That's not the answer I should have, and it's not what I expected.

“Why? Because of your parents' messages? Or because of Hana's request? Or because you want a descendant of me?” I was half screaming, frustrated.

Mas Daffa shook his head, throwing a weak gaze that drew directly at my still trembling heart. Seeing it weaken, made my defense almost collapse.

“Not, Danisa. But because of my promise to God that I said during the marriage contract. If I fail to take care of you, fail to keep your heart until you ask for a divorce, then how will I be responsible when facing God later? Of course I will fall into the ranks of those who neglect their responsibilities. Naudzubillah min zalik.”

I was stunned to hear her answer so straightforward and clear. An answer that was completely unthinkable to me. The instantaneous answer silenced me.

“I'm sorry, Danisa. I realized that I could not be a fair husband and might unknowingly hurt your heart. Please reconsider your decision. Give me a second chance to fix it, give me time to be able to recognize yourself and make you happy.”

I looked straight at the two beads of Mas Daffa, looking earnestly at his words. I did not want to waver, but was again torn down by the words that came out of his sweet mouth.

“Can, let me to love you from now on.”