The Young Wife's Rhyme

22. The Muddled Heart

I don't know if time goes by so fast. The feeling just yesterday I had off college and held a marriage contract, but now it has been two months since my marriage.

For the first month, my marriage was filled with bitter tears. I was married through an arranged marriage, and turned out to be made a second wife. Of course the tsunami generated my angry outburst. But in the second month, I tried to make peace with myself and tried to accept everything.

My relationship with Mas Daffa is also fine. I also got along with his first wife, even I once visited his house when Mbak Hana just returned from the hospital after her last chemotherapy.

But marriage is not as easy as it seems. Even after two months of marriage, Mas Daffa and I have never had a husband and wife relationship. We just kissed each other but never dared to do more.

To be honest, I was still afraid, but I felt that Mas Daffa still hesitated to do it with me because he could not love me. Maybe I should be a little more patient.

Waitaminute! It's not like I really wish I was touched by him. But I just feel I have not carried out my duty as a wife to meet my husband's inner needs. Yes, even without me, Mas Daffa of course can still get it from Ms. Hana.

Huft...

I took a deep breath, looking at myself in front of the mirror. My body has been wrapped neatly maroon-colored simple robe and I combined it with a turmeric color hijab. Ready to return to campus and busy myself with various tasks to divert the many thoughts that filled my brain to complicated.

I hope that the busyness that hit the campus tasks and activities will take my mind off this complicated feeling.

****

“Can.”

I stopped the pace of my limbs when a voice called out my name. I gaped as I realized where the source of the sound was coming from.

Brother Rendra.

I gasped for a moment. Can't control the surprised expression on my face. Oh, my God, I forgot about it for a second.

That I haven't thought about that man since I decided to accept Mas Daffa's proposal. Trying hard to forget it until slowly he lost himself from my mind. But I don't know how my heart still can't let go.

Even now, I feel my heart pounding madly when I see Kak Rendra walking towards me while smiling sweetly.

Oh my God, Danisa, remember you're married! I cursed in my heart.

I returned his smile with a stiff face and expression. It's such a pesky thing why I can't hide my facial expressions so easily people know how I feel. I'm even sure my face looks weird now.

“Iya brother, why?”

Brother Rendra stopped right in front of me, a good distance away. Of course, he is a man who respects women as much as possible to keep his distance from any woman.

He presented a paper. “Vacation yesterday you seemed difficult to contact and certainly did not know that Mr. Jafran gave you a task.”

“Tasks?” I was surprised by both eyes.

I really don't know if there were any errands during the holidays yesterday. I'm not sure if nobody in the whatsapp group told me. I must have forgotten myself or did not listen to group chat.

“I tried to contact you because you did not respond at all in the group, but your number is not active even though I tried many times. So I think you must be very busy until you do not have time to hold a mobile phone,” explained Kak Rendra again.

I've been pulling back my memories for the past two months. I am preoccupied with my turmoil due to marriage. I was busy fighting with Mas Daffa. I was busy thinking negatively of the man with a series of absurd anger due to my own bad thoughts.

I'm the stupid one.

I had neglected my job just because complicated thoughts filled my brain and never finished. I even ignored myself.

“Sorry brother, my phone is again damaged and dead so do not know if there is a notification in the group,” kilahku reasoned.

Brother Rendra smiled sweetly, once again thrusting the paper in his hand which I immediately grabbed in a hurry. “Take some examples from here, the rest you can develop yourself. It's nothing like my paper, so don't worry. You see the deadline is only three days away and will not be enough for you to find your own materials.”

I was surprised to stare at the paper. Didn't expect that Brother Rendra was worried about me on duty. I was really moved because I let him copy his duties.

“Kak, thank you very much. Sorry if I was a hassle.” I looked at her with haru, who was greeted with a slight naughtiness by her.

“Iya both. Make sure your phone is active tomorrow. Or if it is still damaged, you give me a backup number either your mother's number or your sister's number is also allowed, so if there is a task or anything I can contact you.”

I nodded and smiled faintly in response. I just realized, that only this first time I had a fairly long conversation with Kak Rendra. If you usually just throw each other a smile and ask the important thing, now I can steal the look on his face longer than usual.

Brother, if only I had dared to express my feelings.

Holy hooch!

I again cursed myself for thinking of another man when my status was already someone's wife. I tried to throw away my fantasies about the past. Also about how I feel about Brother Rendra who might still be left.

“Can,” call Kak Rendra again. His face was now withered, his smile and eyes suddenly fell.

I wonder, what is the meaning of the sad expression that Kak Rendra showed this time. I was trying to guess what he was feeling. But no, I didn't find the answer. Maybe because I'm less sensitive in reading someone's heart.

“Actually there is something serious I want to talk about. But maybe later, because now is not the right time,” said Kak Rendra after being silent for a while.

He smiled again, even though his smile was brighter. “Then I say goodbye first, soon there will be class.”

“Iya sis, once again thank you for the paper. I'll return it when I'm done.” I nodded and thanked him again.

Brother Rendra responded with a nod, after which he stepped his foot away from me. While I stared at his back that was getting away with mixed feelings.

That admiration must still be left, but either with my taste of love. But seeing his face today, managed to make my heart waver. Makes me want to ignore the fact that I'm married and have to forget about it.

Of course, my feelings of growing up for a year to like him, must not be easily eliminated.

But now my heart is broken. I would like to rebel when I see her figure, but of course I do not want to betray in a marriage that has been bound by a promise in the name of God. I can't be like this.

Yes, I cannot falter!