Guardians of the Heart #2
Chapter 13
“You okay?”
Arga sat in front of me, his eyes looking at me who was eating fried beans leftover lebaran yesterday.
“My hand is still hurting.” I raised my right hand which was still in the bandage even though it was not so painful.
“That's not what I mean, but about the Hitman.”
“Do not mention his name again in front of me.” I shuddered to remember that coward.
“You are not sad to break up with him?”
“Ngapain sad, even should be thanks.”
“Not reduce your mealtimes?”
“Engga, I ate a lot just ask mom.”
“Thank God means my wallet is safe, no need to bring you to eat in Dago or Lembang.”
I snorted making him smile wide.
“Do not want to travel around Bandung while raining?”
“Engga!”
“No crying alone?”
“Engga!!”
Arga looked at me full of probes.
“Why?” ask me while taking a drink, we are currently sitting on the back porch as usual.
“I'm just confused actually you like the same fact he does not heh or just impingement?”
“Like really, Ga, he's never been like this before, usually he's kind of attentive just yeah it's jealous anyway.”
“That's not what I meant. once a smile never escaped your face even though only knowing that Lieutenant knows your phone number, but you know your phone, and you grow like a madman smiling to yourself just because you're WA-an until midnight, and your appetite is immediately lost when you lose news of him when you have nothing to do, you even have to enter the ER just hearing he is dating someone else… and for sure I can see it all clearly, but when I'm with the hammer I don't see it all, Key.”
I was silent listening to him.
“You even forgot to tell me as if it meant nothing, you once said that you never told him what you did to him, but the Lieutenant only needed to ask ‘when came?’ you follow directly behind him to tell him what you did that day, you say you were never jealous of the hammer, you said, but you will immediately frown to see the Lieutenant sitting with Karin even though at that time you were with your lover, but now look it looks like besides your injured physique it doesn't really affect anything.”
I was speechless to realize that, as usual Arga would be able to see it all before I even realized it myself.
“Now, Ga, at first I thought I really liked him. Looking at him who always paid attention as if I was the top priority for him made me feel what the Lieutenant had not given me just yet, I was not, and it made me happy for a while. But when I returned to Indonesia and met her again, I felt what I had never felt when I was with another man, a hissing that feels warm even if only accidentally touch his hands or hang with him.”
I smiled at Arga who was also smiling.
“For so long I wanted to always deny it, I would even get angry whenever the Lieutenant commented on Rey, lately I've been avoiding her because she told me to be careful of Rey. I just want to prove the judge wrong and I'm right and I also assure my heart that my feelings for Rey are real, but... See what happened to me? My hands were cracked, my body was bruised, but it was just pain that I felt. Of course I also felt angry with Rey for wanting to do this to me, but I am also disappointed in myself for it turns out I was wrong all this time and too stubborn to listen to you guys even I deny my own heart.”
Arga fell silent he then screeched, “If the matter of love sometimes people will be blind and stubborn, indeed we ourselves feel it but sometimes the advice of the third person is important. That's what friends, friends and family will do to give us a neutral judgment. But sometimes the kita itself does not want to listen to them and assume that we are the right because we are living it.”
I nodded in agreement.
“I don't know my feelings, Ga, but I'm afraid.either trauma or whatever the name, which obviously I have a fear if I come back with Mas Yudha, I'm afraid, I'm afraid he hurt me again or left me for another woman like yesterday.”
Arga looked at me for a moment then smiled soothingly.
“Slow down, Key, slow down..reassure your heart that it won't happen.”.
I smiled and then nodded.
“If you stay beside him you will find out how big and sincere he loves you.”
I looked at Arga surprised to make him smile.
“If he just wants to take care of you, he could have dated another woman and kept you. I can still date others while taking care of you?”
I smiled then nodded confirming.
“But she didn't, she laughed instead when I set her up with Karin. You know for yourself Karin is beautiful, smart, kind and from a good family too. I thought she would be a great fit for him, but you know what she said when I told her that?”
I shake my head not knowing.
“She said that she only has one heart that contains only your name, one head that she wears just to think of you, and two hands just to hold you.”
I was shocked to hear his words.
“Di-dia.. say it?”
Arga nodded with a smile, “You will know and realize it yourself, Key, because you will be able to feel how sincerely he loves you and that is enough to make you trust him again.”
It's what I hope sooner or later I can open my heart and trust it, but I don't know when and how long it will be.
“Plan-pelan you reassure your heart, but do not take too long or you will regret after actually losing it later.”
I fell silent thinking about Arga's words and he might be right someday if I remained as worried as I am now I would really lose him, and that time might be forever. But what if I can never get back to her like I used to? Maybe he's the one who's gonna hurt the most, and I don't want that.
The next day Irene and Karin came to see me, when they came home Irene was escorted by Arga while Karin would go home alone as if to give me a chance to test my own heart by asking the Lieutenant to take her home, though the Lieutenant had suggested that Dirga drive him but I insisted that he drive him.
At first I just wanted to test myself, can I now see it with other women? And also learn to let it go if I can't get back to her later. But it turned out to be hard, my heart didn't even sincerely see them sitting together on the bike, I had to strengthen myself, didn't I suggest it?
I waited for the lieutenant to hope that he would return to my house but he did not come, and now after a few days there was no news from him made me contact him immediately.
“Where?”
“Mess.”
“Busy no?”
“Engga, why?”
“Nothing, Mas Yudha angry?”
“Anged why?”
“For yesterday I sent nganterin Karin.”
“Slightly angry.”
I was silent reading her message, and I decided to contact her.
“Wa’alaikumsalam.”
“Mas Yudha is really angry?”
“Slight.”
“How-to yesterday?”
“Iya.”
“Why?”
“Key, I know about Karin's feelings, and I also know Arga and Irene's intention to match me up with her, but I can't believe that you'll think the same way they do.”
“Why? Karinkan good, beautiful, smart fit Mas Yudha.”
The Lieutenant fell silent at my words and I could hear him breathing heavily.
“I don't like it when everyone tries to match us as if they don't care about our feelings.”
“We care therefore we betrothed Mas Yudha to a woman whom we consider to be compatible with Mas Yudha.”
“How do I feel? Don't you care about my feelings? Do you think I can relate to someone without involving my feelings? If you don't care about my feelings at least understand Karin's feelings. Do you think he would be happy to be in touch with me when I couldn't give him my whole heart? I don't want to give him your hopes, Key.”
I fell silent at his explanation and again he was right to take her home, which was like giving her hope.
“Sorry, I did not think until there. But Mas Yudha also had to start opening up Mas Yudha with other women, I do not want Mas Yudha to suffer because of me! For worrying about my happiness, Mas Yudha forgot about Mas Yudha's own happiness.”
“My feelings are my business and you don't have to worry, I will also look for my own happiness, so please don't try to match me again because for now I don't need it, and I don't want to make anyone suffer again because of me.”
“Alright, sorry I.”
“Iya... Now do not BT again.”
“Who is BT?!”
“That Dirga said all day you BT, pouting mute he said rich tutut.”
Ckkk.. Dirga, watch out! you ngadu handyman!
“Do not believe! I'm not pouting.”
“Hahaha.. Yes yes no pouting just his lips aja.”.
“Dieh, engga!”
I heard the Lieutenant laughing making me smile but suddenly I remembered something.
“Mas.”
“Hmmm.”
“Yesterday why call me Za again?”
Oh yes I almost forgot to tell you, yesterday when the Lieutenant was going to drive Karin he looked at me while asking, “You sure you want me to drive him, Za?”
Instantly I pegged with my chest beating violently when I heard him again calling me by a name that was just his calling, at that moment I could only nod in response and I could see disappointment in the look in his eyes before finally leaving me who regretted my actions.
“Because yesterday I did talk to Za not with Kekey.”
I furrowed confused brows, “Kan the same, i-me too.”
“For me is different.. Kekey is a friend who I have considered to be like my own crybaby sister, spoiled like a child, whereas Za.”.
The Lieutenant fell silent, and my heart began to beat faster, waiting for what he would say about Za.
“Without Za?” I asked curious.
“Za is a great woman I love, a woman who matures in her own way, a woman who has physical beauty with a much prettier heart, a woman who will cry because she misses me so much, women who love me sincerely unconditionally even when they do not know who I really am, women who will wait and be loyal to me even though we are still no one, and also.”.
My heart rippled to hear it, there was a sudden longing for an unstoppable surface, making my chest tight as if there was a lump squeezing it the longer it went up to the perch causing it to choke.
“And also.. she is the woman I love so much, the woman I miss every night until my chest is tight, the woman I really want to hug right now.” He was silent for a while before continuing his words, “so, Key, if you want to match me please match me with him because he is the only woman I want to kiss every night when saying good night, because it's only with him that I want to spend my old age.”
Aku tak bisa berkata-kata, airmata mulai turun membasahi pipi yang diam-diam ku hapus, sungguh aku bisa mendengar rasa rindu yang teramat sangat dari suaranya membuat hatiku ikut merasakan kesakitan yang dia rasakan karena memendam rindu selama ini.
“Alright, I'll betroth you to him, but for now I can't find him yet, he still wants his own time to rearrange his heart.
“If you meet him say that I will wait for him whenever, as I told him at the airport when he left, now I will wait, as he always waited for me first. He has all the time he wants to be alone, but if he's getting tired and needs someone to lean on, tell him to come home to me because I'll always be there for him... and tell him.. I miss.”.
Me too, I miss you too!
“All right I'll tell you.”
“Alright while waiting for Za to come back, I will play and take care of the spoiled and whiny Kekey rich little boy.”
“Iiih, I'm not a crybaby!”
“Not crybaby but already twice cry, use all the more, just say want to hug handsome guy.”
“Iih engga! Who's the snuggle? Mas Yudha alone who swooped first, I continue not spoiled.”
“Gak spoiled but eat pengen bribed.”
“Kan his hand again hurts.”
“The opportunity was mah wanted bribed handsome guy.”
“Byeh bnga!! Hahaha... But, Mas, I feel weird huh?”
“White why?”
“Kok effect I have a double personality huh?"
“Hahahaha.”
That night I found out what I meant to her, but I still have her heart. There is a feeling of happiness and also calm because it means he remains mine but there is also a feeling of fear.
I don't want to lose her but I'm afraid to go back to her? Maybe.. but I also don't want to be selfish, I also want to see him happy so all I have to do now is convince myself of what I want, be with him or take him off? And I need to get that answer as soon as possible for her and for me.
*****
