Dusk Rainbow

I chose you first

Marrying Raisya was not my hope. Twenty days we were bound in a lawful marriage in front of religion and country, at that time I had not given him anything including an inner living. I know it's a big sin. But what a force, I still fall into love and promise to other women. I was mired in a hole that made me reluctant to get up again. The comfort that Alisa gave me was able to trap the shadows of my life to keep looking at her without turning away. 

I watched Raisya while cooking from the dinner table, her lips always covered a smile like not carrying the slightest burden. 

He came and served fried rice in front of me, complete with vegetables and my favorite beef eggs. 

"Please eat, brother. If it feels less, then say, let me add the spice tomorrow," he said politely. 

Even though I was always being nonchalant, she was unceasingly creating a new atmosphere.

I began to bribe a spoon and chew slowly, then I felt it little by little.

He looked at me with a sad look, his two eyebrows were adrift like they were holding back fear. 

"Why, Brother? If it doesn't taste good let me throw it away." Raisya grabbed my plate, the instant I prevented it.

"Enak, like mother's cooking" I said. 

I finally ate it again until it was finished.

The look on his face looked happy, but it was just a small compliment that I had never before attached.

He took my hand and held it.

"Sister, if we part ways later, I want Big Brother to take me to my father's house well, I want to continue our relationship as before. Like before we got married."

His words made my heart slit and hurt, he whom I ignored could accept such a difficult situation, whereas I was still childish and kept making him cry.

I looked down at the empty plate.

"But what about me, surely your father and mother will scold me?" 

He's moving, his wiggly finger touching my shoulder.

"I'll help you explain to you and dad, now you don't have to worry anymore" he said coolly, but it burned my heart with his words, if he relaxed, he said, that means he doesn't love me, I thought.

He took the plate and brought it to the back. I turned to the living room, the house was so quiet that I often went out leaving it on vacation.

"Sister didn't come out?" she screamed from the dining room, as if reminding me of my habits.

"No," I replied in a high tone.

I looked up, looking at him who was busy sweeping.

I went up to him and grabbed the broom he was holding. I feel like trying to destroy it.

"No need, brother. I'm also off" he said, taking his broom back. My harder character did not want to lose, I snatched the broom from his hand and carried it running into the living room.

She was ruffled by the waist, only that morning did I see her face so sweet, the little boy that I had seen so often had turned into a beautiful, hijab-wearing and kind girl.

"Help me, here!" I waved at him who was pecking on the spot.

He approached me then took out a few packets of scattered snacks.

"When is this eating? Pantas, the fridge is often empty, I guess there's a rat coming in."

I chuckled when I saw him annoyed. Her face is getting adorable.

"It turns out big brother," he added, he crouched down, his head looking up at me with an annoyed look.

"No papa __" he answered when my phone on the desk rang. 

Me and Raisya both stared at the name that flashed on the screen, it turned out that Alisa's name was. 

"Excuse me.." Raisya got up and left me.

I grabbed the phone and looked at Raisya's back which was getting further away. I remember Arum's mother who loved me very much.

"I've hurt Mother's child" I said softly, I put my phone back down without lifting it.

My tears are dripping down my cheeks. I consider myself an ungodly child who has dared to fight mother and father as well as loved ones.

Raisya came back to me and brought me black coffee.

"Brother cry?" ask her while rubbing my cheek.

I looked at him again, for the umpteenth time he kept smiling in front of me.

"No," I replied, turning my face away. I was embarrassed when he seemed to be mocking me.

"Snorts," he said, when I knew a woman's heart was more fragile, and she only tried to be strong in front of me.

"What do you really expect from this marriage, and you know that I don't love you."

"Drug, I want to make my parents happy, many out there who marry without love. But, finally they were given a gift and could love each other, at first I also hoped like that, but now no, I will not expect love from brother. I'm willing to be a widow as long as I don't burden others in my life" she said, piercingly.

He left again, this time not to the back, but to the room. I saw his eyes glazed over, and he must have spilled them behind me.

I put down my cup of coffee and left the house. I went to my mother's house to ask for enlightenment.

I hugged Mother who was sitting in the garden, she stared at the rising sun.

"What's up, Van? Where's Raisya?" ask Mommy. 

"He's not coming" I said in a low tone.

Mother took a deep breath and then patted my hand.

"Mother knows, if you don't love Raisya, you know that this marriage makes you tormented, but you should know, you were once in Raisya's position. Do you want to hear your story?"

I nodded, because all this time I knew mom and dad were happy and never got into trouble. 

"It's not your intention to open the disgrace of father, mother just wants to teach you a lesson."

I shut up and began to absorb every word of mother. 

"The mother was married to the father was also not in love with each other, even the father deliberately married another person without the mother's consent, it was very sick, the father often made out with his young wife, he ignored mother and you who were still in the womb. Every night you're just covered in a cold blanket without a husband's caress, but you have to be strong for your sake, if you knew that time, what would you do?" asking Mother is like testing me. 

I didn't answer, I felt like I was in the position of a very evil father. 

"But I don't love Raisya, bund," I said. 

"Not not yet, but not yet, believe in Mother, that Raisya is the perfect girl to complete your life."

From then on I began to think clearly, I inserted Raisya's name in my heart, until I finally chose her to accompany my life, she was a rainbow of twilight that only colored my life.