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Along the way home Ronald could not forget Wulan's expression when he did the "attack" earlier. Her lover's expression was dominated by fear and disgust. Not disgusted at him, but at his touch.
"I've made a big mistake" Ronald murmured as he clasped the wheel of his car.
I got home almost eleven o'clock. Miss Jenny, the mother is still waiting for her in the living room.
Ronald was about to go upstairs to his room located on the second floor, when the voice of the mother stopped his steps.
"Where are you, Ron?"
"Walk, Ma?" answer's short.
"Widow had one child?" ask Ms. Jenny with a tone of dislike.
"His name is Wulan, Ma" said Ronald Patient as he approached his mother who was sitting on the living room sofa, then sat down to accompany.
"Esther came to the house earlier, nyari temen to watch. If there is free time try to invite him to watch" pinta Bu Jenny on her eldest son.
"When, Ma" said Ronald lightly.
"When is that when?"
"If Ronald doesn't have a girlfriend. Hehehe" replied Ronald accordingly.
"Mama please break up soon" said Ms. Jenny.
"Ih, mama pray so much" said Ronald with his face bent.
"Mama has said many times, right, Mama doesn't agree you have a relationship with the widow"
"You can get a lot better. There was Esther, there was Diana, and many other girls were queuing up. Beautiful, brilliant, educated, and definitely still a girl?"
"Do you know where they're girls?" ronald Seloroh.
"But please, Ma. Don't call 'widow widow' continue. Call the name better" Ronald asked his mother.
"What's wrong with calling a widow a widow" said Ms. Jenny.
Ronald rolled his tired eyes and sighed.
"Like Mama" and Ronald went to his room
"When did you get married? Your sister Reynolds is about to have a second child in three months" said Ms. Jenny.
Ronald ignored his question and chose to pass.
After taking a shower, Ronald threw himself in bed. Rethinking all things. Does he really love Wulan? Or is it just pity and self-evidence that he can heal the girl's heartache?
As someone who is a master of psychology, he can see Wulan gelagat felt to keep distance from others, especially men.
Still vividly remembered the first time he shook hands with Wulan. After the interview of the new employee selection. His hands were wet, and there was a sense of unwillingness implied from his movements.
Ronald is interested in Wulan, obviously. Since first seeing Wulan sitting at the front desk during the writing test, Ronald could not forget the girl's face.
When they were first in one car, there was a surge of martial arts and self-defense issued by Wulan. Maybe the girl didn't realize, but she could tell. More clearly visible when Ronald expressed his interest in Wulan, there was a glimmer of hurt feelings emanating from Wulan's eyes.
Seeing that, his ego was challenged. Can I take this girl's heart and make her mine. So Ronald thought.
Approach after approach, and relationships for a year more cannot break down the wall of self-defense of a Wulan. Wulan still makes the boundary line that is difficult to pass. Wulan still did not want to open up to Ronald.
And tonight's events make things clear. Wulan has trauma, and seen from the symptoms of trauma is quite severe. It could be PTSD, Ronald thought.
That incident made Ronald rethink everything. Is it possible to have a relationship with a woman who has severe psychological problems. It takes patience and extra understanding. It took a great struggle for him to be able to live a relationship with Wulan.
I have to give time to Wulan and myself. Inner Ronald tired.
A week after that incident, Ronald didn't contact me at all. I don't mind it, I feel relieved. At least I don't have to be tight-lipped or looking for 1001 reasons to refuse her date. Maybe Ronald was offended by my attitude.
Tritings. A message came in.
I read the notification at a glance, because it was busy. Suspect something.
Ronald HRD: Lan, is there time tonight? We're having dinner. I have something to talk about.
Ronald HRD's? Yes, I have not changed the name stored on my phone with a special call like a couple in general. And I have no intention of replacing it. I didn't respond to that message. Later, I thought.
Until the time of the break I still have not responded to the message from Mas Ronald. I'm not interested in a lunch break. I found the awkwardness of the financial statements, making me engrossed in struggling with reports and analysis.
Tok Tok's. My room was knocked by Ronald.
"Eh, Mas" I said.
"It was busy apparently, deserved my message was not reciprocated" said Mas Ronald.
"Oh, sorry forgetfulness Mas" I said regretfully
"Ga lunch?" ask Ronald.
"Later, there's still a lot of work" I replied accordingly.
"Don't forget to eat, it will hurt" he advised me.
"Our work goes straight to work, huh?"
"Where's Mas?"
Without saying goodbye, Ronald passed.
Since dating Mas Ronald I have often gone and returned to work together. At first I was uncomfortable with other people's views, but over time I was immune.
The time has shown at 16:28, it has passed 28 minutes from the return hour.
Tritings. Incoming messages.
Ronald HRD: Wait in the lobby. In 15 minutes I go down
Me : Okay.
I immediately packed my things. Then get down to the lobby.
"Mbak Dini, yes first" I said at the reception.
"Yuk, let's mbak" replied Mbak Dini.
A few minutes waiting for Mas Ronald to show up and immediately take me to the parking lot. On the way we just kept quiet, just accompanied by a song playing from the car stereo.
Ronald brought me to a restaurant in the central area of Surabaya. Restaurant with classic and romantic design.
I ordered a striploin beef steak with mushroom sauce and a bottle of mineral water, while Mas Ronald ordered a spaghetti and a glass of strawberry juice.
While waiting, Ronald started the conversation.
"Are you okay?"
"I? Very well I guess" I replied.
"Do you have PTSD?" ask carefully.
"THE "PTSD? Maybe" I answered lightly.
"You've never asked an expert for help?"
I just shook my head.
"May you know how it happened?"
"What incident?" I was pretending to be ordinary. I'm actually not okay.
"The events that traumatized you"
"Oh"
"I was raped, also betrayed by the people I trusted. My mother, my best friend, and my lover" I said skeptically.
To be honest the reason I refused to tell others about my past was the torn-up feeling that rattled me. Not a feeling of relief that I get after telling others, it is the wound of the heart that is back open.
"The reason for the birth of the sky....?" tanyanya.
I just nodded.
"Why is the story now?" erang could not believe.
"Because only now did Ronald ask" I replied lightly.
"Can we....?" again an unresolved question.
"Mas Ronald is able?" I asked with a sharp look in his eyes.
Ronald was silent.
"I don't know when my trauma will heal. Could be another year. Two years. Ten years. Or maybe never"
"We can ask for help from a psychiatrist" he said trying to be firm.
"A guarantee will be resolved soon? Ronald himself a graduate of Psychology, surely knows there's no guarantee for that"
"Now try asking yourself. Ronald is able? At least did Mas Ronald's parents approve of us?" my cecars are merciless.
Ronald was silent. Seems unsure of himself.
Food arrived. And we eat in silence. Only live music accompanies the clanking of our spoons and forks.
Don't you ever expect me
To be able to love yourself
Try to ponder in our hearts
Farewell is probably best
Forget about me
Never expect love
What a beautiful thing I am
(Love The Other~Alm.Chrisye)
*********************************************
~PTSD, short for Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder, is a disorder characterized by a failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrible event.
The condition can last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.