The Third Party

9. Strange Attitude

I rushed to the room to pump ASI before Damar cried even harder. My tears are flowing faster than the ASI I produced.

I did deliberately not set ASI for Damar but that's not what I meant. I just want to breastfeed Damar directly. After all I am a mother, I want to touch, live the bond between a mother and her child.

After a full bottle I rushed to my in-laws room to hand over the bottle.

"If you don't want to breastfeed, it's better to give her formula milk! I'll ask Handi to buy it!" threaten my in-laws.

"Don't Mom, I'll start tapping ASI." I relented, I will provide as much AS possible ASI than Damar given formula. Handi and I have agreed to give Damar ASI exclusive until he is six months old.

"It's good that you understand!" my in-laws closed the door to his room again. I was still standing at the door of my in-laws room. Hearing the sound of Damar crying made my heart slice and I finally came back crying. I went back to my room after making sure Damar wasn't crying.

Arriving at the room I could only hug the bolster to pour out my sorrow. Wanting to scream, I felt like I was being tortured but did not see the form of torture. My heart ached but it cannot be explained why.

Am I better because there are so many mothers out there who can't touch their children? Am I the only one who feels the way I feel now?

Almost overnight I could not sleep because of alert if at any time Damar cried and ran out of ASI. At four o'clock in the morning I got out of my room and started doing my homework. I thought if I started early I'd finish quickly and maybe after that my in-laws would give Damar to me.

The food is served on the table, the laundry is done just waiting for dry, the kitchen is clean, the floor is also mop. My work is done, everything I do best. I did it all so I could see my son.

"Mom, breakfast is ready." I knocked on my in-laws room door. I've not yelled to ask Damar again because it's useless.

"Yes" he answered without opening the door.

Even though my in-laws had already answered, I didn't move immediately. I stood there, waiting for my father-in-law to open the door to his room, maybe there was a gap for me to be able to see my son.

I'd love to see it. Is he awake? Is the ASI I prepared enough to make it full? Did my in-laws give him food other than my ASI? Did he sleep well last night? All the questions are in my head.

A while pecking at the door but my in-laws didn't open the room. I was tired and left there. Not tired of my body, for my son's sake I don't feel it at all, but tired of my heart and mind. What does my father-in-law really want?

I have not been the weak and whiny type of woman. I used to work under pressure, I was also used to being yelled at by my boss when working in the factory first, I was a tough woman because I was used to living alone. But lately I feel like a different person. I'm more sensitive and easy to cry especially when it comes to children.

Just walking a few steps I heard the sound of my in-laws room door being opened. I immediately turned around and right, my in-laws came out holding Damar.

"Will you bathe Damar? Let me just so mom can rest."

"No, you better do the rest! You take a long time to bathe Damar, he will catch a cold. You are better at doing your homework. You can't take care of the child. While let me take care of Damar," replied my in-laws as he continued walking.

I almost cried hearing my in-laws answer. It's as hard as this to touch my own son.

*

The next few nights I was alone while Damar was with his grandmother. I tried to beg my in-laws but he always had a reason for Damar to stay with him. If I insist, I will be scolded and scolded.

This afternoon I daydreamed in front of my bedroom window, this is my new activity after all the homework is done. I looked at the yard that was not so spacious but overgrown with green grass that made the atmosphere more fresh.

I kind of heard the sound of Handi's motorcycle but I wasn't sure so I didn't come out to greet her. To me these grasses feel more beautiful than anything out there.

I flinched and looked back. Handi stood at the door while staring around with a face of astonishment.

"Han? You home?" tanyaku. I don't know why I'm unhappy to see my husband come home for how many days I haven't seen him.

I walked over to Handi and kissed the back of her hand. No hugs or smiles.

After that I cleaned up my messy room. I remember throwing these pillows and bolsters in any direction. I also rummaged through the contents of Damar's wardrobe because I missed him so much. I kissed the clothes until they were all scattered on the floor.

I picked up the clothes one by one and put them back in the closet.

"Our room why Emm? Why is it messy like this?" Sandy repeated her question.

"Oh ... This I cleaned up earlier," I replied flatly without even looking at him.

Sandy approached me. "Is there a problem?" he asked while looking at my face. "Emma, are you sick?"

"Do I look sick?" my reply.

Sandy kept looking at me. Maybe he thinks I'm like an undead. I answered all the questions but there was no expression on my face. I myself felt like I was between conscious and unconscious with the presence of Handi in front of me.

"Emma, are you mad at me?!"

"No."

"Why are you acting so weird? Where's Damar?"

"Together mother," I replied indifferently. Then Sandy stood up and went out of the room. "Please bring him here" I said flatly when in fact I really hope Handi brings him here.

A few moments later, Handi came back and I wasn't done with my room. I even shed tears when I saw Damar's clothes. I still think I'm lebay?

"Emma, what's wrong with you? Tell me what's the problem?!" Sandy came back to me.

"Where's Damar? Why didn't you bring her here?" My eyes are looking for Damar.

"The room is sleeping, leave him in the mother's room first."

Dupus was hoping to see Damar. Sandy doesn't understand my situation. But I don't blame him because I didn't tell him the truth.

Actually I feel sorry to see Handi. Home work should be confused by my unusual attitude. But I myself do not know how.

I want to be with my son but on the one hand I don't want to tell my in-laws to his son either. I want to keep the feeling of Handi let alone that she just came home from a long trip. If I tell him everything, it's not impossible for him to fight with his mother.

"If you're tired tell me Emm, I'll talk to mom so you don't have to do your homework until your condition is completely restored."