The Third Party

31. This is Not a Dream!

"Go you unlucky carrier! Handi doesn't live long because of you! Don't expect me to forgive you!!!"

Both of my in-laws' hands were about to push me but the hands of Mbak Eka and Mbak Rina swiftly prevented it.

All sorts of words of my in-laws were spoken to me but I didn't listen to them very much. My eyes were fixed on the coffin where Handi's body was rested.

Whatever you say, mother-in-law, I don't care. Even if you beat me, you flush the water into my body or you throw me with dirt I won't go. I'll stay here for Handi.

"Mom we are all saddened by the passing of Handi. Patient mother, don't make a fuss. Handi would want Emma and Damar here." As soon as the voice I heard, either Hasan or Aaron's voice I didn't pay much attention.

"But I can't forgive him! Just try and not marry her!" My mother-in-law continued to roar and made us the center of attention of mourners.

My in-laws just kept blaming me like I was the one who caused this accident. He kept screaming crying over Handi's departure as if he was the only one saddened by this incident.

"Mother, stop. Shame to see people!" Mas Hasan calmed the mother with a slightly harsh tone. This time his mother complied. Then Ma'am Eka and Ms. Rina took me in and sat down beside the coffin.

I just stared blankly at the box. No tears on my cheeks. If crying could make Handi come back I would cry hard, I would cry until my tears ran out if I could.

I'm not that strong without you Han. Damar can't even say your name yet. Why did you leave so soon?

I returned to my house after the funeral was over. Thank you to Ma'am Eka who has willingly become my personal driver, from the hospital to the funeral. He even offered me to stay at his house so that I wouldn't get dissolved in grief. But I refused it. I want to be alone for now.

"If you need anything, call me. Don't be shy."

I just nodded.

"Are you sure it's okay to sleep alone?"

I nodded back. "I used to sleep alone when Handi was out of town." I was stunned to hear my own words. I kind of forgot if this time Handi wasn't going out of town, this time Handi was gone for good.

"Later tonight I'll pick you up again. Do you want to come?" Every night there will be a prayer for Handi for the next seven days.

I nodded back.

I must have come! I don't care if my in-laws throw me out, which is clear I'll keep coming. For the next seven days I will stop reciting prayers to Handi.

Actually I want to thank Mbak Eka but it seems like my voice is gone somewhere.

*

I sat in the corner of the room. I closed my eyes and slapped my cheeks a few times hoping that the pain would build me up from my dreams. But until my cheeks were hot, I didn't feel any change. Every time I opened my eyes I didn't find Handi lying down to sleep next to Damar as usual. It's totally real. Handi is dead. I can't deny it anymore.

Then I approached Damar. I looked at his face that always reminded me of his father. How'this? How am I going to raise him?

Slowly my tears are flowing. Since last afternoon I have been trying to be strong but I can't. Clear threads kept falling down my cheeks.

"Handiiiiii ... !!!! I can't Han !!! You are evil !!!" I shouted accompanied by Damar who was also suddenly crying. "I'm sorry, son, I can't help this sadness anymore. I want your father back" I whispered in a nearly exhausted voice.

I cried for so long that I didn't realize it was morning. I opened my eyes but there was not the slightest desire to get up and do the usual activities. I'm not excited to do anything. I feel like half your life is gone.

Then I was with a knock on the front door. Immediately I cleaned my face and rushed to open the door. One of my neighbors came.

"Emma, this is Auntie cooking chicken soup if you haven't cooked."

"Thank you Auntie" I replied with a stiff smile.

"Yes, the aunt went home. If you need to and want to leave Damar, Auntie is home."

"Thank you again, Aunt." My neighbor nodded and left. I used to call her Aunt RT, because she happened to be RT's mother at my place of residence. He was the one I cheated on Damar when I caught up with Handi to the infirmary. Even though we only knew each other, he was very good to me far beyond my in-laws.

I brought that Aunt RT food in. I just remembered that I haven't eaten since I last had breakfast with Handi.

I cleaned myself up after breakfast and bathed Damar. I don't know why I wanted to go to my in-laws' house. No need for tonight, I want to go there now. I don't know why, it's just that the house reminds me of Handi. I felt the presence of Sandy there. Memories with Handi are more engraved in my in-laws' house than in this house. We have only been here for a few months, there is not much we went through let alone Handi often out of town.

I rode my motorcycle to my in-laws house. Not long after that I got there. How I used to wish I could get out of this house, but now I can't wait to get into this house.

The front door is wide open. I entered immediately after saying excuse me. Inside the house, Heni, her husband and another person I did not know with my in-laws were gathered around a pile of envelopes that I thought must have been envelopes from mourners who came yesterday.

"Would you like to come here?" hardik.

I didn't answer. I don't know what to come here for myself. I just followed my heart to come to this house because as I said earlier, I felt the presence of Handi here.

"I ask you, what are you doing here?!" snatch my in-laws once again. Like a mute man, I couldn't say a word to answer my in-laws' questions.

Heni stood up and approached me. "Go Emma! You have no business in this house. You have nothing to do with this family anymore!" I kept quiet not knowing what to answer.

"I beg you to let me here. I just want to remember Sandy. I won't ask anything from you guys" I said with teary eyes.

Even to remember you, I had to beg Han.