The Secret Love Story (End)

Decisions

I'll never be able to understand what that means

Like a ray of light entering through a glass window

That feeling slowly slipped in, almost no one knew

Like the air I breathe all the time

Until everything gets used to it

My heart is still strong this time. I have made every effort to pray istikharah and many things that make me back to being close to the Owner of the Heart. Until I finally settled on my heart's choice and accepted all the risks that I would bear later. I have to see him, I have to see Sabrina and make this all clear between me and her. I still don't understand what's really in the bottom of my heart, whether I love Sabrina or the girl I call that boy. What is clear is that now that I have decided that despite all those feelings, I will end up with Sabrina.

I will end my story with him this time and hopefully this is my best decision. I knocked on Sabrina's door and was so surprised she saw me standing straight in front of her right now. He smiled and mingled around, the hug that used to make my heart flutter was somehow now just plain. I should have wanted that hug because I hadn't seen him in a long time.

"Kok you didn't tell Gha that he was back in Indonesia?" tanyakanya.

"Hmm..surprise..," I said as I broke free from Sabrina's embrace. He was a bit surprised to see my treatment, but then he tried to behave accordingly.

"When did you come home?

"A few months ago...,"

"That's it, it's been back a long time but only now you're meeting me?" he asked for an explanation from me.

"Ma'af.." That's all I can say. And maybe that word will be the main word in my conversation with Sabrina this time.

"Ih..you this.ngeselin know not. What I should have heard was Sabrina I miss you that way and not the word ma'af," he said. A few minutes we were silent until I finally called her name when she was busy texting someone I didn't know who.

"Brina...?" call me.

"Yes, why Gha? I am balesin sms first. Important..," he said. A few seconds later, he turned to look at me. "Why Gha?" tanyakanya.

"Brin, I want to say something important to you." I said. He was surprised and I could see that there was a smile that he was hiding behind his face that he made just as appropriate.

"Yes, what do you want to say?"

"Brin, I asked for ma'af earlier. I know this is gonna hurt you. But....,"

"Why the hell Gha, kok you ask ma'af everything. It was and I've been ma'afin, '" he said.

"Harden my explanation to finish Brin..," I said, and finally he listened to me.

"Yes, let's talk, don't make me curious..," he said.

"Brina, I think it would be better if we just end our relationship." I said with a sweat that slowly fell down my forehead. I knew this would hurt him but I had to say it," I murmured earlier.

"What do you mean Gha." he said in surprise as his eyes glazed over.

"Oh my God, I can't see it right now. I hurt him again." My inner self. "I want to end our relationship Brin. We should just be friends,." said I then steady although in my heart rebelled angry at myself for making the woman in front of me became sad.

Seeing her like this I remember coming back with the girl. Where she hid her cries with a mixture of rain water that soaked all over her body first when I said harsh words and really hurt her heart. But he just smiled and thought as if nothing had ever happened. But I know, I know he was crying because his eyes suddenly puffy which is impossible because of the rain. But, I didn't want to ask him at the time. I don't want him to get me wrong with my treatment.

"I'm sorry Brina." I said.

"Why? Why did you send me again, Gha. It wasn't enough that you hurt me by breaking me up for no reason and leaving me. And now you do it again," he said, and I'm just speechless because it's true that I'm the one who's guilty here and I'm not going to defend myself. "What's my fault Gha, what's my lack...?"

"You're not wrong Brin. You are also not lacking anything. You have everything and you are perfect...,"

"Lantas, why did you decide on me again Gha?"

"Because I think it's Brin's best. For me, for you." I said. Somehow I came back to remember the last status that was made by the little girl when we were friends on social media. Until finally I continued my words to brina exactly like what the girl had written on social media first, "This is the best Brina, for me, for you, for us and our religion,"

"I didn't leave because I hated you. No, not once did that hate slip through my heart even if I wanted to exist. Trust me, I go for the best, for you, for me, for us and for our religion."

"Don't make Gha up, bullshit.I don't believe your words. If it's true that you want the best in our religious affairs why don't you just apply for me now rather than you just mutusin me like this...,"

"Brina, marriage is not an easy matter. It is not just a matter of two hearts between you and me. But it's also a matter of uniting the hearts of all of our Brina family and in spite of all that is a matter of Brin's heart readiness. I'm not ready to marry you yet." I said.

"Why? Why aren't you ready, Gha. We've been dating for a few years, and now you're saying you're not ready?"

"Marriage cannot be measured only by the short length of a Brin relationship,"

"I know Gha, I know that you don't have the same taste as I used to have for Gha. When you first asked me to come back to you, there was a suspicious feeling in my heart why you suddenly asked me to come back. And there were only two reasons that I hypothesized back then, first because you felt guilty about deciding on me first, you want to ease the burden of your guilt and wait for me to break you off first in our relationship this time so that I can tuck in again the guilt that has been holding you back. My second hypothesis is that you don't want to acknowledge your own feelings that are starting to grow on the girl." she explained.

"What do you mean Brin...?" I asked out of the blue because he had already brought the girl in my conversation with him. Why, why should that girl be blamed. It's my fault, it's purely my fault and not the girl" I murmured. Whatchu mean?" ask again.

"You like him, or maybe you love him now, Gha,"

"You're joking, you just want to vent your frustration by getting her involved,"

"I'm not kidding, Gha, don't you realize that in every meeting you talk about that girl. That girl who stupidly always wants to help you, that girl who always bothers you with this, that girl who always suddenly the phone interrupts our togetherness, that girl who cries, laughs, frowns, angry, chatty....,"

"Bre.....,"

"Are you unaware of Gha, that deep down in your heart, that girl already has her own place. But you denied it, by asking me back you tried to bury her and all your feelings that grew against her that you refused to admit...,"

"Brina.....................,"

"Until when will you realize it, Gha. Don't you know that just to hide and kill all your feelings for her you've hurt her? And don't you know for yourself that even if you get hurt as much as you do, he'll stick with you? You know what that reason is?" ask him and I can't answer just shaking my head. "Because just like you, she likes you too, Gha." said Brina who of course surprised me.

Not likely. There's no way that girl likes me. I did think that the girl might like me, but soon I caught the prejudice. Because in fact she was just a girl who used me so that I would always help her and take her everywhere because she was not close to any other boy.

"Why does Gha, you don't believe that she can still like you even if you've hurt her?" ask Brina again. "That's because he likes you properly, Gha. Naturally love, to not be tucked a piece of hatred in his heart because of your treatment. He is different from me, Gha, I love you so much that I have the selfishness to have you completely and forever, even though I know that the reason you asked me to come back is from the two things I explained earlier,"

"Brina.I.I...............,"

"I'm forgiving you Gha. Well then, or now. And I accept you decided on me. I don't have no self-respect for not deciding on you first even though I know where we went a few minutes ago. But, I do want you to ask me to decide first, so that you feel the burden of that mistake again until later in the day you will no longer hurt the other heart,"

"Ma'af.....,"

"When will you say that word. I'll forgive you if you're willing to marry me." she said. "Then, after this what are you going to do? You're gonna keep looking for him...?" her sudden question surprised me. "Don't be surprised, I know. I know you've been looking for him for months. And don't you think that I didn't know you were back a few months ago...,"

"You..you know where?

"What about ? What do you spend your time looking for? Or about you who actually came back a few months ago? I-i know. Enough you know that I know that's all, no matter where the source is...."

"Ma'af....,"

"You're saying that again. I've saved that million words for that girl after you met her. For he is more deserving of thousands of words than you...,"

"Yes" I said.

"Back to my question, what are you going to do after this?"

"Em.I'm going back to Singapore. Continuing my studies until graduation and immediately looking for a job," I said firmly.

"You've given up on it?

"You mean?"

"You've given up on looking for him?"

I'm shaking. "No, I'm not giving up. It's just that more than wanting me to find him I'd rather fix myself first before I meet him later..,"

"Ah.so your talk about religion was true. I had time to insult and say you were out of emotion,"

"Hmmm..nothing....,"

"Thank God that's it. I'd be happy if you changed for the better because of her,"

"Not because he's Brin. I want to be a better person because of God. Even if I wasn't in the same destiny as him, I wouldn't lose my reason for being a good person,"

"Wahhh.I salute you. Duuuhhhh........ Hehe.got so we're breaking up...,"

"Hahaha.kamu. Even if we break up we can still win, right?"

"Yes, of course,"

I finally felt relieved after ending my relationship with Sabrina. In the future, I will focus only on what I have decided. After Sabrina's house I went back home and spent my time with my family while I could because I had three days at home from tomorrow before I would return to Singapore to continue My magister.

*****