High School Autobiography (Hero Generation)
CHAPTER 21: THE SOUL IS KNOWN.
“My husband is not perfect.”
That sentence keeps making me go awry, and dizzy.
I left my husband in the ICU, left him helpless there. Leaving her without asking her how she was, I especially did not say goodbye to her. My husband has been deformed, and all imperfections I cannot tolerate!
“Laisa ... Laisa .. wait ..” my husband's call in his frailty.
But for nothing, his voice was unable to stop my steps. I managed to get out of the medicine-scented room, then sat back in the long chair next to the door.
Yes, I was about to investigate her phone, investigate what my husband was really going through, even so, I sat down somewhat hunched over in a cry of helplessness, my hands gripped my knees so tightly, holding all the emotions that were now in my mind, that every tear fell to the floor like blood that was not red, as a sign bring my heart to be badly hurt, excessive indeed, but that's the truth.
It's not unusual for me, the more I cry the stronger my atelophoby traps my soul, it feels like I want to just explode, then die without anyone crying for me, yes that's how short my mind is.
My feelings of anxiety continue to force me to nail myself here, no matter what is going on around me, I am still unable to change reality, even if I can change the whole reality of my life, he said, of course, I prefer to be directly in heaven without having to bother breathing here.
“Eerrrrgggghhhh ...,” as hard as I can grip my knee to be able to dampen my depressed emotions, he explained trying to control myself from my atelophobic attacks.
I was really frightened by my husband's flaw, once again, I couldn't accept it!
“Laisa ...” a call from a stranger.
As a result I put my face to the owner of the exclamation, Teacher Sukada has stood in front of me in a distance of one meter, his appearance is still neat with his formal suit, and the seriousness is the facial expression he shows me.
“How's your husband?” Worriedly.
I didn't speak, but I pointed my finger into the ICU room, so Teacher Sukada understood right into it. And now I'm back down, trying so hard to stop my tears, crying this is useless, so rough with the sleeves of my school uniform I'm wiping my face, and my nose, to the point that I have to stumble over it. I rubbed my eyes, then I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, I did the breathing arrangement several times, so that in this way, my atelophobic turmoil could be a little dammed. It was just that after three minutes of adjusting my breath, Master Sukada had walked out of the room my husband was in, more than that, he was sitting directly beside my left. While I was still sitting clutching the face of the knee firmly, even thanks to his presence, I looked down again feeling confused how to.
The one thing I should be grateful for is my tears that I have managed to stop, but my heart is still in the cold.
“Laisa .. I'm sorry, at the time of the incident, you couldn't help your husband.” Teacher Sukada apologized all of a sudden, but somehow I looked down at the white ceramic floor soaked by my tears.
“Laisa .. earlier, your husband wants to meet you, your husband also min..,” said Teacher Sukada I cut.
“Ya let it go! I-I couldn't meet him ...,” as a stunt and felt confused to respond to Master Sukada's message, even the emotion of anger was surrounding me. Obviously I'm angry, because anyway, I hate my phobia.
After my words were caught by Master Sukada's ears, silence surrounded us. Seconds by seconds only the silence we felt, I don't know what Guru Sukada now thinks, but clearly, I was still troubled and afraid, I had time to release my grip from the face of the knee, but obviously, I was still upset and scared, it's just that the trembling of my hands made me re-grip the face of my knees firmly.
“Laisa .. said Dr. Arkasa, your husband will be in the ICU room for up to three weeks, in ...,” Kak Farka explained when I cut him.
Yes Brother Farka has returned, he is standing near Master Sukada, but since my gaze is still fixed on the floor, then the look on his face is unknown to me.
“Yes! I don't care!” my men and I don't know why my soul is like this.
I feel uncomfortable with the presence and voice of humans near me.
“Don't talk like that, it's your husband!” reprimand Brother Farka.
“Dia .. she .... is not perfect,” my bitten break with the turbulence of my atelophobia.
My atelophobia disease is already fairly chronic, enough to make all the veins in my body stiffen in fear, my hands until tremors occur.
“Perfect or not, he remains your husband!” brother Farka again rebuked me.
“No! My husband ... perfect man, if he changes, then ..” I hang my sentence, at the end of it, I remember my commitment to my husband. Yes, I was wrong, I have affected my atelophobia!
“... I .. I can't accept imperfections, I'm so afraid ...” then I ponder my reasons for being like this.
And seven seconds into the time of contemplating my reason for Master Sukada and Brother Farka, it seems like they are beginning to understand my change.
“Laisa ...,” Guru Sukada finally started to voice his response to me, the teacher took over the conversation Kak Farka.
Even for that, I was still bowed to my knees.
... ... ... ... ...
“... I also want to live well, want everything to run perfectly .. difficult indeed accept disability, as if it is a despicable thing to accept, instead ... you also feel like dying when you fail to achieve the desired result ... Laisa, I believe, if receiving a disability is part of perfection, because it is not easy to accept,” said Guru Sukada who impressed like maxim and I consider it antithesis.
“I ... want to be perfect, accepting a disability is a weakness that is not worth appreciating, the state of disability, my husband makes us all hassles, would not a student be scolded if not according to the orders of his teacher? So impossible, something defective is acceptable .. we want to be perfect ... we demand perfection .. and cannot reject perfection.” I reply to Teacher Sukada's perception discursively.
“We've already discussed this, right? And you know what that means, too, right? Your recovery is in your paradigm, you are overreacting, that's all,”.
Yes and indeed Master Sukada always reminds me not to overdo my thoughts, teachers also often remind me to be more realistic, calm and able to accept the situation as long as I have worked hard. Nevertheless, my illness persisted.
“Can't! Your exposure is totally unacceptable! I avoid imperfections because of my illness! My illness grew because I was a perfectionist, an imperfection that always caused problems, and .. I have prayed for God to heal me but not be granted at all!” I ambushed no matter beside a teacher or not, my anger had brought me to my death.
“Iya .. your mentality has been stricken with disease, if it has been this way, it can not be anything else, yes already, do it while you are in the legal path.” Master Sukada has resigned in my way of thinking.
In the end the silence happened again, I was still bowed without soreness, my fingers were still clutching my knees, holding back my sickness, it felt very worried, uncomfortable and very scary. I don't want to be like this, but I can't avoid this, I want to heal but still feel a relapse.
“A-I ... I want to heal teacher, I am very uncomfortable with my psychiatric illness .. I ing .. hiks, hiks ...,” my sobs are down to tears and in the end I immediately experience a sting.
“Laisa .. I believe you can be healed, create a suggestion, that do not overdo it .. You may be afraid, but not for the excess, you may achieve perfection but not for the excess, he said, and there is no failure as long as you do not give up.” back again Master Sukada tried to help me.
”Can't be teacher .. can't .. My efforts are always betrayed by results, and as long as I pray, God can't grant it!“ my exposition.
”Laisa, what do you want? He said he wanted to heal, but instead of talking can not, do not make your teacher so dizzy.“ Brother Farka suddenly commented on my fiil and rebuked me again.
I was just grouching with my breath up and down impulsively, I was confused, completely confused. Then I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand that was back in tears, and the tremors in my hand were still happening. The silence was again experienced, sting in silence, the human voices in the lobby slowly began to decrease, the night had made them tired, he said, go to avoid the dark night that does not cure hospital patients. I am still attached to a sitting position in her arms.
”Guru ... the answer to the teacher's question at that time was .. curious, yes, my friends are curious about the autobiography book, so they want to read,“ I said suddenly who discussed a new topic, because after all, I was wondering what exactly Master Sukada was looking for, especially with the strange questions of the time.
”Not, your answer is not correct,“ objected Teacher Sukada.
”Not accurate? Inappropriately? Inopportune ..?“ I repeated and was surprised by the real Teacher Sukada, I was still reluctant to even see the look on his face.
”What does the teacher want? Why is the teacher weird? Why is our school so weird? Why is everything that Brother Farka and teacher do really weird? What does the teacher expect of me? Why should I?“ with the intonation of the beaver I pulled out my whole mess about all the irregularities I experienced. More than that! To the extent that I let go of my head turned to Teacher Sukada, then I found a serious look plastered there, the bonus I saw the flat face of a Kak Farka who stood in front of Guru Sukada, who had a serious look on his face, looking at me so intensely.
But a few seconds later I was back down.
”Yes, everything is indeed strange, but .. the father's question, is the responsibility of the father as a teacher, educating students not only from the academic side, you do not want to be like a Google search engine, Google, all of which are answered easily, morality, morals, that is what the father stacked .. if you know, the father was named the best teacher in this city, until many consider the father arrogant, but in fact, the father still feels unworthy, well .. that is, to hell with academics, a noble person is certainly knowledgeable, that is why ... morality and morals are the father of the pastor for the disciples ... Laisa, you can graduate school, without having a hundred, science can be sought, money can be sought, but who is mentally ill, difficult to cure.“
I was just stinging, but both of my ears kept hearing Master Sukada's exposition intently, I wonder if my teacher is crazy or not.
”Let me tell you everything, let you know father ...“
”... when you were a child, the dream of the father is not actually a psychologist, it is the father wants to become a pilot, fly a plane around the world, many of my school friends killed themselves, whether their problems to dare to take their own lives, my regret is, my father as a friend can not help at all, he said, too stupid with everything, egoism, that's what you understand first ..“
”... and the peak is, when your lover committed suicide in front of your eyes .. there is a sentence that he said to make your thinking change, the sentence that changes your mental, father, that is ... 'he Sukada .. You can go around the world, you can even fly a plane, but, look at it later, your friend dies under you, you die, and they never cared about you even if you went around the world a hundred times.' And after that, the father's lover plunged from the tenth floor of his hotel, died horribly, even though he was a smart, intelligent and class champion, only, his soul was fragile, he was, tired of life's problems that demand his life ..“
”Laisa .. the father became a psychologist not because he wanted to help, it was the father helped so the father became a psychologist. The title is just a professional sign, so that the father gets the trust of the community, and the, that father can be relied upon.”
“Well, that autobiography of yours, is a study that you do yourself, you want to know the characteristics of each student, what he thinks, what he feels like, or what his way of life is like, what he thinks, after the father studied in college, even simultaneously the father memondok in pesantren, and that's where everything further strengthens the perception of the father about the unique of man, then round already the dream of the father to become a psychologist, why are we the only ones writing? Because this is an independent project, it is okay to write, nothing is okay, anyone can,” concluded Guru Sukada explicitly.
Master has long explained some of the things I just learned during my time as a student.
“Keep what does that have to do with the teacher's questions of the time? It's clear my friends are curious,” my wonder is still bowed clutching my knee.
“Teacher wants to know, how do you respond to the question, not answered is also okay, I am glad you have tried to find the answer ..” explained Guru Sukada.
I experienced meditation, trying my hardest to draw conclusions said Guru Sukada.
I want to be known ...
So I made this poem for you
I want to be loved ...
Then I call your name
I make poetry so that you may know my mind and soul
I call your name because you are all I love
Then don't run Laisa
Because you still don't know me
