Can't Have You

Chapter 18's

This soul feels sad. Dark, afraid, confused, angry, disappointed, sad, lonely, no spirit, no purpose. What the hell is going on? Why did I fall into this cold, dark sea?

Question after question kept raining down on me. I don't know what the answer is. My eyes are swollen. Tears unceasingly came out as a form that represented the contents of my heart. Those negative whispers were like a rotating radio, going into my ear, and reaching into my heart. Until the word appeared.

Die.

Yeah, I want to die. It seems to be the only solution I can think of. But how is it going? How do you die without hurting yourself, without having to fight destiny? There is no.

I'm lonely. I'm alone. No one helped me get through this. Feeling abandoned by those closest to you. Family, friends, friends where they all go. I want to tell a story. I want to be heard, not judged or counseled. But why every time I started telling stories, they judged me and gave me a lot of advice. At first I followed their words. Unfortunately, that doesn't help at all.

Oh yes, they also often say this, too,

You are not grateful!"

"Lu is less grateful. Look around you whose life is harder than yours."

"Huh? Depression? I'm more depressed than you."

"You're depressed anyway? Ah ngarang you!"

"Your medicine less times. Pray with God."

"Free dong lu pray but still kayak gini aja. Rukiyah is yes."

Browbeat. My heart was pierced and cut open to hear their words. Those words instead of encouraging me or relieving my mind, they drowned me even more into the dark and cold sea. They don't understand! Even for them depression is not real. Something taboo. I should have guessed what they were going to say, right?

When they told me to pray, I was eager to shout in front of them. Praying is the main thing I do

They do not know that people who are depressed like me, have prayed a lot. Seeking guidance from God. Ask God why I am like this. Yes it can be said that my worship is much more diligent than those, normal people.

I lost my spirit of life. A hobby that can usually give me spirit, feels. Getting out of this bed is hard. I can just lie on this bed. Mused. Daydreamed. Crying over my meaningless life. My sad life is this.

Outside the sun is shining brightly. Show off its golden yellow light. A new day, a new hope, a new spirit for them, a normal person. I hate the sun with its rays piercing my skin. I prefer cloudy skies, black, cold, with lightning, and heavy rain. I like that.

But the atmosphere was nothing replaced with that painful light. A sheet of curtains did not seem to be enough to dispel the rays. Ah, I should have put up a layer of cloth so as not to be exposed to sunlight. Why doesn't it rain anyway?

Oh my God, let's get this over with. I am tired of my life. Or at least send someone who can help me get through this. Help me..,!!!

Everyone must have experienced difficult things in his life, as well as what I am experiencing now. On the other hand, at this time I like to be alone but on the other hand there are times when the feeling of loneliness is so dark in my days.

More precisely I always felt that there was no one I could talk to, it felt like they were too far away for me to reach. Just alone facing everything.

There may have been one person I trusted in my life but the fact is that he destroyed all my beliefs. I often told him whatever I thought and of course my annoyance always spilled on him.

I never hesitate to express what my heart is, including all the contents of my heart that are rarely conveyed to others but there is one thing that makes me disappointed in him. 

He once said, "you don't keep complaining", maybe it's true what he said to me. Because I was overreaching everything but it was because I felt confident in him, felt comfortable and felt like I had people I could talk to.

After the incident I returned to the original feeling that no one really understood me, feeling alive in this world alone when around me a lot of people go back and forth. Maybe it's all because I'm too sensitive. Although he apologized for the incident but I was so hard to believe anymore.

Sorry I feel so depressed now, on the other hand I also need to exchange ideas with others, telling what I am experiencing and what I am feeling right now. But on the other hand will the person understand what I am saying? And to whom should I tell?

I don't know why I have to feel like this even this lonely feeling has started to be present since I was a child. I remember that time I was teaching but somehow I suddenly cried to the point that my mother scolded me for this incident. What I felt at that time, the house felt lonely and cold, so gripping and empty.

When I was a kid I was always alone, my mom wouldn't let me play outside. I was just playing alone or at least a brother playing to my house but it was very rare. It was only after SD that I started having friends. Those SD days felt really good but I was back in the slack again.

I felt like I was walking in this world alone, through lonely time together. Sometimes I'm tired of all this and want to decide just here my trip but I can't afford it.

From the past until now my desire has not changed, Cuman wants to be in the midst of people who love and love me sincerely, feel warmth and cheerful. Wasn't it very simple or too expensive the price I had to pay to get all of it?

To be honest, I don't want to tell you about my sadness either, I just want to tell them my happiness but how can I be happy if all my days are filled with sorrow and I go through everything alone when they are around me, maybe it's better I don't have anyone than they are there but I don't feel their presence at all.

From then until now I wanted to hug my mother, once I wanted to feel her embrace and wanted to feel her, to feel her heart beating. I knew that the cause of my mother's suffering was just me. I was too much wrong with my mother. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not being able to keep my mother's feelings.

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Seriate...