Can't Have You

I'll Try to Forget You Forever.

Elder brother....

Can I make that call for you? But, unfortunately I didn't get to call you brother directly. It was only hope that might become a dream fog. But at least in this letter, I can call you brother and make you the only one of mine, my beloved. In fact, you are my favorite, but not mine.

Howareyou? Are you still sipping coffee during the day accompanied by the sound of bang Is, just like the last time we greeted? Still smoking cigarettes with tagline “Men Have Taste"? Still busy with a myriad of schedules and I have to make an appointment in advance with you if you want to chat together? Still happy to travel to see the beauty of Indonesia from a height? Would she?

I always hope you're okay. Sometimes I force God to be okay. As a result of browsing on some of your social media, you look fine. At least, from there I know how you are. Without looking at your face or hearing your voice I've been racing out of my head.

Brother, I'm not very good at making small talk. We did not have a dialogue until the early hours of the morning. Don't be that, greeting through the time line is rare. It can even be counted using fingers in this past month. Ye know? Since then, my sleeping hours have been getting messy. Sorry, yes! I have not been able to keep my promise of a healthy sleep.

Our little, stupid conversation means more to me than you think.

I have something to ask you. I'm chatty, aren't I? I'm possessive huh? I'm overthinking yeah? You know why I'm so fussy about you? You know I'm possessive of you? You know why I'm overthing you? You know, I was really upset when I cared too much about anyone, including you? You know, I hate to worry when you don't tell me? I don't like to wonder. That answers.

Can I still miss you? I miss having dialogue with you. If we have a dialogue, we often forget the land like a person who is kasmaran. In fact, we are two people who are amorous who need each other and strengthen each other. You often make fun of me with the words "Patience, yes jump!". Oi! You are single too!

Not only that, often you throw crisp jokes even to things outside the limits for the homeless like us. Do you remember the philosophy of selfies? Simple questions you ask in the middle of the night, but I have to think hard to answer them at vulnerable hours.

In my silence, there was an unfolded ridu.

I miss. Yeah, I miss all that! I am not a woman who easily falls in love. Unfortunately, I miss it easily. You stopped by many times in my dreams. The prestige? I am proud to say all of that. Moreover I still uphold the term “Masak girl first, anyway?”. But not with you. I'm the coward who ventured to express what he felt.

You are a man who treats women well and knows how to behave. You are always a reminder that I diligently touch the final task, when the lazy is slovenly in the body.

You always accompany me until the morning before, when I make out with the final task proposal. You remind me that it's morning, it's time for us to rest.

When morning arrives, we race to say “I get up early, loh!”. Obviously no one can get up early between us. Funny, huh? Some time ago, you had invited me to see the beauty of Indonesia right at your birthplace in Kuta lambitu ntb there. Does that happen? If yes, when do we go with the boss? I'm just following you. Most importantly, I can see the twilight with you.

Quietly, I still say your name in prayer. I hope the universe leads your way wherever you go to always chart your way home. Ye know? Lately I have been forcing God to fulfill some of my prayers about you.

I think we are never wrong. Maybe a troubled time.

There's actually good news for me, for myself. This is not about ABG Mlethek who just got his heart adored or anything that could have been the topic of our babbling. But this happy news has to do with how I feel. Feelings that the last 4-5 months have been filled with about you.

The point is, I've found a way to forget you. Not by sipping coffee with a cup until I forget. Not by listening to my favorite songs until I fall asleep or banging my head against the wall to make me forget you. But it's more about finding my own busyness that makes me (at least trying) forget you. Nice, right?

The myth is, you will have difficulty sleeping if you are in someone's dream. After this I forgot about you and you no longer need to stay up because of it.

With this letter, I say that I (ever) really like you. Love your coffee glasses, love the way you smile, love the sound of your voice that I have out of your head, and like you with all my heart without exception. There is a part of this writing that is fiction. I'm not gonna tell you. Let you see for yourself which part.

Walk further, head into the middle of nowhere, and try not to like you anymore. Well, even if it's not possible.

I (ever) like you,

Think of this as your birthday gift when you are birthday. Because your date of birth aj I don't know.

Now.

Forgetting the memories we used to do together.

Memories that may mean nothing to you.

Know it?

To forget you.

I have to change 180° from before.

Change is like,

I have to pretend to stay away from you.

I should try not to say hello to you.

I should try to be indifferent to you.

And I had to try to get my pretenses to be real.

Really am.

Actually this heart doesn't want to do it all with you.

I also can't bear to see you who continue to be confused about my attitude like this.

But know. I'm like this because I don't want to add to sin because we often have romance without any serious relationship, arguably marriage or justifying.

Relationships without this status I cannot live properly.

Sometimes you think of me as a friend, sometimes a friend, and even more so (that's who you are from our first communication).

I'm sorry Akhi.

If the decision I am making right now is wrong in your eyes. I'm sorry, Aki.

I have received Hidayah from Him.

And this is the path I should take.

Trying to forget you

****

Seriate...