Starting From Grey

Conflict of Heart

When the nights are quiet compared to the previous time.

When the warmth of friendship is no longer enough to pour out the heart.

When the heart longs for the caress of affection when it is restless.

When the heart craves a protector and motivator when it is weak.

When the heart begins to tend and feel serene on the side of the opposite sex.

So what are we looking for besides marriage?

(Mas Udik Abdullah, If the Heart Wants Marriage)

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I don't know what happened, the fog was thick but the night was still able to defeat the dark. Behind the darkness of the night there is still a warm ray of the moon. Tonight feels different, I don't know what makes it different. The likeness does exist and even if there is no it will be created.

Mutia no longer struggling with various jobs as usual, since the completion of the prayer isya she just laid her body on the bed that seemed comfortable.

He was silent, but was he really silent?

His eyes were focused, but was he really focused?

A heavy sigh had come out repeatedly since then, but it seemed that Mutia was still not aware of her actions which made the supply of clean air thin.

Once a jolt he instantly pulled the blanket that covered his body. He rubbed his face rough and rushed towards the bathroom to pick up ablution. After drying his face he looked in the mirror and saw for sure his face.

"When do you want to get married?" the question returned to his memory. A sacred question he often hears, even if he ignores it.

But the question he could no longer ignore, when the question came out of the lips of someone he had hoped to become a captain in the course of his life.

He sighed, then stepped on the light of the murrotal and laid his body back onto the mattress. He closed his eyes, wanting to rest his body and mind for a moment. But it seems like his thoughts and intentions are not connected so much that it brings him back to the incident earlier this afternoon.

"Miss, I'm finishing the page. I am another obstacle." Riana said quickly, the parenting event is indeed finished but there are still some guardians who have not yet moved home.

"Yes," Mutia replied softly even though she knew that Riana would not listen.

"Can you help me, Miss?" asked Anandi who had changed her clothes. He has finished praying dzuhur like it.

"No ma'am, I want permission to pray." Mutia nodded her head respectfully then stepped towards Nana standing up.

Actually Mutia was just not wanting to talk much with Anandi, I don't know what the reason is. That's why he avoided it. Although in his brain many questions that he was able to find answers in several books, but he was reluctant to ask.

Who's Anandi?

What does this have to do with Abi?

Why did he stay here and Abi could touch as he pleased?

Isn't Anandi Bagas' cousin?

Mutia started to throw out thoughts that made her unsettled. "Bun, where's the prayer?" mutia asked Abi's mother.

"There." Nana pointed at the back porch.

"Not praying?" nana asked a little surprised.

"Not Bun, it's still cleaning the equipment." Mutia replied in an uneasy tone, then Nana smiled.

"Yes take ablution first, mother also has not prayed." Nana leads Mutia to the bathroom next to the place of prayer.

Mutia went into the bathroom and took the ablution water. When he came out of the bathroom he was a little surprised to see Nana wearing a mukena and giving a set of mukena for him.

"Mother is not praying?" mutia asked, she wanted to dispel her curiosity. You see, when the other guardians of the students were about to pray Mutia saw Nana also went to pray.

"So already wanted to worship, but prevented the same Abi." Mutia stopped the movement of her face-mounted hand, she turned her head towards Nana who was sitting next to her.

"So Abi went to the mosque, but he got a stomachache so he went home. The boy hasn't changed he can't defecate recklessly anywhere."

"Well if in any place scolded by people dong, Bun." Nana looked astonished. Then chuckle lightly.

"Yes, but the kid is weird. Cook and go to the bathroom, what a hard thing. Why try to take it home." Mutia chuckled at Nana's words.

"Keep it, Bun. Show all Abi's disgrace." Mutia immediately put on a flat face when Abi was already in front of the door of the place of prayer.

"Kan, Mommy's just Bi's story. It's Mut." Nana's looking for a defense. Mutia turned to Abi who showed her flat face, not the slightest smile.

"Same on, Bun. What I'm saying is Aib." Abi still doesn't seem to want to lose.

"Yes, forgive Mother." Mutia smiled beautifully. Maybe in the past he would have felt careless and envious to see and hear a small family quarrel like this. But now no longer, because he also felt his own closeness when fighting simple arguments with family. Now he has a full family.

"Here, let's pray." Finally three people prayed together. This is not the first time Abi has become a priest of Mutia prayers. Because in the past when he was in High School, Abi often became the imam of dzuhur prayer in the school mosque. Or if there are KRI activities he is also often a muezzin or priest.

After the congregational prayer, the three people were still reluctant to move. "Mut, Mommy, you used to move?" said Nana.

"Not moving permanently, Bun."

"Continue?"

"Yes, Mutia High School's brother went to college in Malang, that brother lived in the mother's house in the capital."

"Your father wasn't in that house for long?"

"Oh, the married father lives in the house of his wife, Bun. Keep going back this past year, when Mutia decided to return to this city."

"In the big city, you don't feel at home?

"It's not a matter of not being at home anyway bun, it's just-" Mutia hung up her words. Abi, who had been a listener since then, looked astonished.

"What is it?" abi asked impatiently.

"Ih, are you hogging, Bi?" accuse the mother, while Abi just smiled wryly.

"Bun, Abi has been here since. Continue if the mother's talk is said to be nguping." Mutia chuckled, she did not feel bothered by Abi's presence.

"Udah ignore him," said Nana while pulling Mutia's shoulder to face him. Mutia smiled, her memory going back to 9 years ago, when she judged that Abi's mother was graceful and meek.

"Keep, what's the reason you moved?" nana asked still curious.

"What a Bun, many reasons Bun." Mutia smiled at Nana's enthusiasm.

"Sister Rifa, Mutia's sister moved here because her husband was mutated into this city, and Rouf's sister-in-law Mutia also lived here because she was mutated to the office in this city. The timing of their mutations almost simultaneously was only a pause of about two weeks. Besides, I'm getting old, there's no way I'm letting my dad every weekend to take my brother to Jakarta. Because somehow my little brother was so sticky to me." Mutia's beautiful smile rose by itself as she said the word sister.

"Is that the reason?" nana asked curiously, occasionally she moved her eyes.

"Keep, how did you teach at Arsa school and close to Arsa?"

"I got a recommendation from a school in Jakarta. If it's a close problem I don't know, Bun. Just happened."  Mutia smiled remembering that Arsa was so hostile to her because she hated maths lessons. But who would have thought, within two weeks Arsa's perception changed quickly even he also affected his friends.

"You still got married? Actually Mother already knows from the mothers. But you want to make sure."

"How about marrying Bun, if all the candidates run away." Mutia said casually, forgetting the existence of Abi who was around her.

"meaning?"

"Mutia's guard is possessive, Bun." Mutia smiled as the shadows of Father, Fahri, Rouf and Dilan alternately she remembered. It must be in wonder why there is a shadow of Dilan. Yes Dilan, the senior rancid always mess up all the matchmaking events made by Mutia's friends. He always used a way that Mutia thought was shrouded in significant numbers.

"When do you want to get married?" abi's question was like a dagger stuck in his chest.

I don't know why, but that's a question he often receives. However, it felt completely different if the one asking was him.

Mutia regained her senses, then said Istighfar and covered her entire body with a blanket. He hoped the drowsiness would come soon and erase all those memories. Before he fell asleep and again lulled with memories plastered in the shadows.

What Mutia wanted was accomplished, after reading the prayer beads she fell asleep in the caress of the dream.

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What we see and hear imprints us in our memories. But what we feel and experience grows and takes root in the mind. (Kru Kepo)

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Mutia's sleep tonight is really not sound, she's restless not knowing what's causing it. All he knew and he felt was an uncomfortable feeling.

He turned to the clock on the wall, faintly seeing because the room was dimly lit with only lights from outside.

Mutia turned on the lights then she sat in her chair, she opened the curtains then peered outside. He looked up at the sky sprinkled with millions of stars, he smiled faintly at the moon.

Mutia was thirsty, she looked at her desk and found the glass empty. He sighed then grabbed the glass and headed towards the exit.

Mutia took off her footwear and felt a cold ambush creeping through her bloodstream. She opened the door slowly, before she was already wearing the hijab she used to wear while at home.

He stepped slowly so as not to disturb the rest of the family members, he went down the stairs slowly. In the middle of the stairs he felt astonished when in the living room there was still light coming from the television screen. He believes there are still people watching television.

He walked towards the dining table and rushed to pour water, he sat down crouching as he finished the dry feeling of the throat that required the flow of water to cure thirst.

After finishing his drink, he faintly heard a voice. He moved and walked slowly towards the family room. He was a few steps away from the door to the living room when he heard the debate.

"I told you, don't play with marriage."

"I'm not playing, I'm just trying to find a solution for Mutia."

"Mutia doesn't have a problem to solve. She's doing just fine. My daughter's fine."

"At his age he is ripe for marriage. Don't you feel sad when you hear people."

"I don't care what otang says, for me my daughter is still my daughter what's good for her is like this."

"Why are you stubborn, she's got to get married before she doesn't do it."

"You know it's not my decision, I'm not going to marry my daughter off to anyone. My daughter must get better than the candidates you have been introducing. And you also clearly know that I've made a decision for my daughter."

"She's my daughter too now, Mas. I want better for him, too, but there's no harm in us trying not to wait for the uncertain."

"Here you go, my decision's made."

Mutia was fixated, she was as if she was being put into a dimension of life in another world. He saw a video playing in front of him.

Where a little girl was silent fixated on seeing her parents quarrel.

There was a little girl hugged by her brother when her father and mother cheated on each other.

There was a little girl who was crying, when her father and mother made her house a mess.

There was a little girl who was being hugged by her father when her mother threw some things nearby.

There was a little girl looking down on the corner crying hysterically as her father dragged his suitcase out of the room.

The poor girl was Mutia. The little girl is now growing up. The little girl was no longer crying. And the little girl was now silent.

Mutia's father stared as he was about to go to his room, he saw Mutia was just silent with her eyes focused forward but a blank, empty gaze.

He only realized that if his daughter heard everything, Mutia's father walked up to the child who looked lifeless.

"Darling," call the father slowly. But Mutia was still silently fixated, she was still not out of the other dimension that had already drawn her soul.

"Mutia," called the father while gently patting the child on the shoulder.

"Dad," Mutia immediately hugged the father and cried hysterically, the father hugged no less tightly while raining a kiss on the top of the child's head. There's a sense of guilt permeating Dhimas's heart and mind. It was realized that things that had happened once made his daughter hurt. He is sorry and truly sorry.

"Not again, not again." Mutia fussed over making the father's guilt crawl over her body.

"It's not a fight, honey. We're just discussing." Mutia shook her head. Will he believe if the discussion is done in a loud voice like oration? No, Mutia is not a child to be lied to.

"Yes, Mutia. Look at us all right." The mama took a voice when she saw the look of a frightened face in Mutia's mimic.

"Don't leave us, don't." Mutia took off her father's embrace and hugged his mother's leg.

Lia, mama Mutia crouched down and tightly wrapped her daughter. She now realized what her husband was considering. It turns out that Mutia has her own inner pressure with the word called marriage. Her daughter has a fear of goodbyes. Pity reached his chest, he realized that Dhimas' separation from Mutia's mother gave a sharp mark so that a strong Mutia was still in the shadows.

She gently stroked Mutia's back, then untied the embrace and wiped away the trace of tears on Mutia's cheek.

"Look mama, don't think mama's gonna leave you. That's not gonna happen. Even if you get kicked out, you'll still be here." Mutia hugged her mother tightly and muttered a promise. She hoped that her mother would keep her promise.

"Would you sleep with Mama?" lia asked they were sitting in the dining room. After completing the drama of life.

"Can I?" mutia asked, looking towards her father. The father smiled as he raised one eyebrow, seeing the princess's face he nodded.

Mutia was still the heroine's daughter to her family, no matter how mature she was, there was still a spoiled side she needed to fill.

"Okay, tonight we're gonna sleep three. Before your mama's going to Magelang for a week." The father, Dhimas, said, drinking water in his hand.

"Okay father does not go away," said Mutia representing the mother.

"And father is only three days, and your mother" said the father, glancing at the mother.

Later that night they spent insinuating, mocking and laughing together.

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