Starting From Grey

First (maybe) Last Time

I see you with the window of my world, I want to touch you with my hand.

I wish I could smile and greet you, for seeing without a smile makes me weak and withering.

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I sat in the KRI room in silence, I have held my resignation letter as a member, I am still waiting for the arrival of Mr. Bagas.

I looked up and breathed a heavy breath. This virus hurt me so much, can I survive.

O Allah if this taste is good for me then let this taste sit on my chest, but if this taste is bad for me then throw it out of my reach.

"What's wrong?" ask Bagas, brother,

"Eh, this is a letter out of the community," I said as I thrust the envelope and got up from my seat.

Since that incident, I have started avoiding a lot of people. Everything related to that incident I started throwing away. But it really doesn't feel like much fun.

"Why?" asked Bagas, I replied without turning back. "For XI class it's not mandatory, so I don't want to do anything."

"A preposterous excuse" said Brother Bagas in a scornful tone.

"I'll take Bagas' comment."

"Don't mix personal affairs with community."

"I won't mix it up, so I'm out of the community." I said looking at him, he just clucked his head and folded his hands on his chest.

"Give me a reasonable reason" said Bagas in his song, something I never knew.

"I don't have a reason I can tell you."

"Why, why submit a resignation?"

"Because I want to get out."

"Don't make it hard, just do it you don't know what's best for the other person." That voice, the voice I longed for with all my heart.

Huh what did I just think, miss? Should I admit it? Uh but how could that sound be heard here.

I longed to turn around and look at the face of the owner of the voice, but considering everything that happened I did not have the courage to do so. I was silent and unable to turn my body around to say hello.

"But the reason doesn't make any sense, brother." Bagas replied firmly as if he did not accept Abi's words.

Abi, ah just saying his name has made a tremor in my mind, may I wish him my soul mate someday?

Am I being too selfish to think of that?

I never knew what was on my mind, which I knew and I realized what I was doing was always the opposite of what I was thinking.

"Which part doesn't make sense?" asked Abi who was sitting quietly beside the chair I was sitting in, while my position was standing in front of the chair.

And either can be hypnotized from where it is clear I suddenly just follow sitting quietly. Ah, this is our second meeting after she graduated. I thought after my meeting at the bus stop we wouldn't see each other again because of the distance we had. But God has his own story.

"He came out because of the past." Bagas replied calmly and sat leaning on our front seat, as if he were both in court.

Or

We're both consulting???

Ah, why did I become unfocused and have a branched mind and have children like this.

"Where does Bagas think that?" ask me not to accept, while throwing away useless branches of mind.

"What other reason?" ask brother Bagas to corner me.

"Kan, I told you in XI class I don't want to participate in any activities. I want to live out my gray days in accordance with my expectations."

"Do you want to be organized?" asked Bagas and I just shook my head.

"I want to be an ordinary student, not stand out one bit."

"It's over, right?" ask Abi suddenly. Brother Bagas just breathed his heavy breath.

"I want to talk to him, can you get out?" abi's words made me stand up from my chair. Ah, I'm not just gonna be out for a while but I'm gonna go out and not come back.

I scolded me and it was just me doing it in my brave mother's heart I said it directly. Although as irritated as I am, but I still keep my words. Because the word bang Adi that the sharpest thing is that speech and speech can not be retracted so it is better to keep the speech or silence.

"Not you but Bagas." Abi said again until I heard a sigh from the mouth of Bagas.

I just kept quiet, confused by the situation. So, what was expelled was not me but Bagas' brother. What would you talk about if with me?

"The door is not closed, but try not to see" Abi said as Bagas' brother reached the door.

"Sit down" Abi's command made me look up at him, but whether it was a boon or a disaster our eyes met and stared at each other until a breath came out of his lips, made myself wake up and turned my face away from him.

I felt warmth on my cheeks, so shame dominated me.

I heard the sound of the chair shifting, I turned my head and with a sign Abi's eyes told me to sit on the chair she had arranged facing her, awkwardly I landed my ass on the chair.

Quite a long time silence occurred, until I heard Deheman from him who had two signs, he was wetting the throat cavity or he was looking for attention. And I still think which one did he expect? Option one or option two.

"Is the floor more interesting to look at when I want to talk?" he asked in a stern tone, making me want to not lift my face and look at him, but do not think I will look directly at his face, ah where dare I, but I, I looked straight at his chest in a pocket that read the brand of shirt he was wearing.

Ah, look the difference between us is very clear, the uniform I wear and the shirt he wears.

"Listen carefully, I don't expect a reply from you I just want to say this for the first time and maybe it could be the last time too, I don't know the path of destiny that we will live. So remember exactly what I said." He said and paused for a moment, hearing the seriousness he spoke made me stare at his more precise face-eyes.

Our eyes looked at each other, I saw a smile on his lips. That was enough for me to erode the longing I didn't admit to.

"If love is a sense of happiness, comfort and peace when together, there is a sense of wanting to protect, a sense of wanting to always be together and always wanting to keep. So I love you and truly love you in every breath I took a year ago when I caught your body falling into my arms." I could only be silent with my mouth open and close like a fish in the aquarium but lack of water.

I couldn't make my voice, without tears on my cheeks.

What's wrong with my eyes?

Why did the pearl grains just slide off?

I don't know what my brain functions, because right now it seems like my brain is not functioning at all, I feel like my motor sensors can't relay their commands to my brain.

I felt a soft hand wipe away the water running down my cheek.

"I don't need your reply, nor do I expect your tears. So I'm asking to keep all this as a memory in your gray days." He said again gently and still put his hand on my cheek.

I was hypnotized by this caress, my center was only at one point that was in those pitch-black eyes. It was as if I existed in a different world that left only the two of us.

I saw his face lowered in front of my face until it was so close to me, I held my breath with my chest beating incoherently. I just said in my heart what he was going to do, I really can't move my body right now,

Have I completely lost my body?

When we had only one face left, I suddenly felt my hand being held and brought towards his lips, I was only able to be still and still with my heart warmed up and my heart was drifting cheerfully, long enough for my palms to be kissed, he suddenly kissed my index and middle fingers and then placed the two fingers on my lips.

"I want to take you into my arms and be selfish with all this, I want to fight for everything. But I can't because I know you won't be able to do any of that." Abi said and returning to his seat made me breathe a sigh of relief.

Can I hope for more someday?

"The new thought we did was just a memory you'll forget as time goes on, but you need to remember that I'll try to keep those memories in mind." Abi stood up and gently patted the top of my head and rushed to leave me.

I pensively digested his words and now I feel invited to fly high and thrown to the bottom of the deepest.

Ah, what exactly am I expecting?

Then for some reason, I suddenly burst into tears regardless of my current existence. All I know is that the last words struck my heart, until my new hope was eroded away with nothing left.

Until I felt a hug and when I looked up to see Erly's sad face. I hugged him tightly and even very tightly.

I spilled out everything I never expected in my best friend's arms. I can't tell a story or say but I hope Erly realizes all that I just need a backrest to take it off.

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"Drink," said brother Bagas gave me a drink, he only came after I had cleaned my messy face.

Ah, I'm ashamed.

"Thank you." I accepted it and I saw his face smiling kindly.

"What's wrong?" I asked slowly, when I saw Brother Bagas who just smiled. I turned towards Erly who was also my bath, but she but let out her voice just shrugged her shoulders indifferently and went back to playing her phone.

"You're as messy as it is" said Brother Bagas with a chuckle.

"What's fucked up?" many wonder. While the suspect just ignored me by tidying up some form files without answering even giving a little klue.

"Wash your face first gih, this abis comes with us to eat with seniors." The words that came out from the lips of Bagas, I just shrugged indifferently.

"If you refuse I won't approve your resignation." I glared in dislike of the threat coming out of those thin lips.

I was furious but could not resist and I ended up walking by stomping my feet.

I came out of that narrow room, I lowered my head when I saw some seniors who were sitting in groups on the terrace of the corridor besides that many alumni were milling about because today it is a three-finger stamp and diploma retrieval.

I walk alone, I choose through the courtyard rather than through the corridor. I stepped straight towards the one building that was built longitudinally next to the small building that I knew as the scout sanggar.

I go inside, there's a mirror and a sink. I washed my face and dried it with the tissue I carried in my uniform pocket.

After confirming my hijab I went out and passed some of my acquaintances from other classes, we just greeted each other 'say hello' then I stepped into the KRI basecame there was already crowded, there was Kak Dilan, there was, brother Bagas, and there is also Brother Hasan. We greeted each other and Dilan immediately invited us all to the cafe near the bus stop.

I just wonder to myself, even if Bagas does not want ACC resignation letter I can submit to other seniors. Where is my brain?

I walked behind the seniors with Erly, the two of us just silently listened to the talk of the seniors walking in front, while we both look at each other and then shrug our shoulders as if we were exchanging questions and answers.

Until inside the cafe it was already crowded, even there were Mira, Madina, Mirza, Siska, Shinta and many more children who were quite prominent in my class. I took a seat at the table that sa with brother Bagas, at the table there were 6 seats and occupied still five remaining one. I sat with Bagas' brother, Erly, Dilan's brother, Sisi's brother. The one seat right next to my right was empty.

When Abi's figure came I had little hope that he would sit on that chair, but my hope vanished when he just glanced at me and then glanced away to choose to sit with brother Hasan and brother Bimbim who were three tables apart from me.

I lowered my head while squeezing the tip of my uniform, I felt torn, that hope was completely dashed. I was just flown as if blown to the bottom. What do I really think and expect? Isn't everything clear now?

Forget off.

Don't expect people to be disappointed. Ah I remember the meme of one of those cartoon characters.

He and I will never have the same path, our path is different and I have to realize that from now on. The flavored seeds may be the same as the others but the great hope has now been swallowed up by the circumstances.

Eating is also done in excitement, activities like this are often done by members of the community with each other in order to establish good communication.

Most of the problems discussed are around campus, writing exams, SNMPTN invitations and mission targets.

They shared information, but unfortunately my memory function and concentration did not seem to function properly, as evidenced by me who was unable to digest all the information.

"Sister, I-" my words were interrupted when Abi suddenly stood beside Sisi.

"Bro, I'm back first." Abi said to Dilan's brother.

"Why hurry, no exclamation ah," replied Brother Dilan did not accept.

"Gue must be packing, not yet stretched." Abi replied again casually.

"Tomorrow to take off at what time?" asked Bagas who I saw while glancing at me.

I glared dislike the look in his eyes. What is also unclear.

"Hour 12, why do you want to nganter?" abi asked cynically, but not in the true sense that he was only pretending to be proven by the ruckus that came out of his lips.

"Son, who knows if anyone wants nyusulin like it's in soap operas."

"Based on the victims of soap operas are not qualified," said Sisi while looking at me meaningfully. What's the matter with them, why is it as if it's insinuating me.

I looked at Brother Dilan who was also smiling at me.

Sreeks.... I stood up from my chair, "sorry, I have to go home first. It's been picked up." I said in an unpleasant tone. I'm not lying if I've been picked up because just now in front of the cafe I texted my sister-in-law to pick up.

"Dla why?" sisi asked, with a face full of regret I said, "sorry brother, already picked up in front. Not good for my sister-in-law to wait a long time. I'm first yeah, Er first."

Erly agreed with a nod and then I said my greetings, not yet answered I have sauntered away leaving the place with a difficult feeling I understand alone.

I stepped out of the cafe, until I sensed that someone was blocking my left hand, so I immediately turned around.

"Sir Hasan?" I hesitated, he smiled cynically.

"You've managed to make my relationship with Abi stretch." The words appeared and sounded so heartbreaking. I really don't have the slightest intention of doing all that. It's been a semester, but why are these problems endless?

"Why don't you accept Abi's love?'' ask sis Hasan.

"You're playing us on purpose, aren't you?" I didn't answer I was just silent, hoping he would understand my true feelings.

Why am I so wrong like this?

"Sorry, I've been picked up. Assalamualaikum." I took off the check and turned and walked across the street where my sister-in-law was waiting.

"Sorry to wait a long time" I said, grinning.

"No problem, this." My sister-in-law gave me a helmet then I happily accepted it and put it on my head.

"Work up," he asked me to nod and ride the rear motorcycle seat while saying a prayer ride the vehicle in the heart.

I took everything off, and after this I will live out my gray days with a new story.

Abi and Kak Hasan are only part of the memories that will become a thing called the past.

The desire to meet again seems like I will bury it deeply. This incident is a black memory behind the white of my uniform.

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