Starting From Grey
Behind Sturdy Walls
O heart that longs.
I miss the heart of sorrow.
A heart-freezing heart.
O Hearts that are still waiting.
Waiting, a surety.
Buried in such a deep abyss.
Be patient, for there will be beautiful fruit.
--------------------
I lay on my bed, I grabbed my X2 phone. I opened a browser app with a red 'O. After a few moments of loding, I type '0.facebook.com' This is a free internet service specifically facebook from the service provider that I use.
After waiting for a while I logged in on my account, I went straight to the homepage. And at the top of my berandaku is the status of Abi.
Rahman.Abiyana's
"I'm happy to know him, and now I'm really happy."
What does that mean, him?
Who is Abi, it's a pity that I can not open the image because at 0.facebook.com does not display the image. There was a curiosity lingering in my mind.
Who likes a lot, there are also some comments kepo. I read a few comments congratulating him on commenting that he was normal too.
What does it mean try?
Without a second thought I run my frame to his name and click. Go straight into his profile.
I silently looked at my phone for a moment, should I find out its progress?
I cradle everything, comparing the good and the bad. But strangely, without my consent this hand has already worked first.
The brain is out of sync.
I read some of his status and also the wall messages from his friends. When I got a message written by a girl that somehow made me feel claustrophobic.
"I'm happy because you clarified our status."
What does that message mean?
Has he, ah forget. I don't want to think about it anymore, I immediately closed the application and put the phone on the nightstand.
I tidied up my bed and lay back down, looking up at the sky, I said a prayer before going to bed and put on my blanket.
And now I am ready to dwell under the caress of the night in the glittering lure of the dream.
---------------------------
Quiet morning, as calm as the song of the resounding sky. The pearls of the world rain down with gentleness. The sun hid for a while to give it a chance.
The sky looks calm with a grayish white color, the color is even though it seems scary. However, there is one thing that is forgotten there is a calm created. This is the song of nature.
"You don't want me to drop off, honey?" asked Dad while I was still peeking outside from the living room window.
"Daddy not bothered?" askaku. I know myself enough to be an independent child. The place where my father taught was different from where I studied, like on my map at the south end while my father worked at the north end. So it would be very troublesome if I left with dad.
"Who does not want to be repotinated with his own child, even the father is happy because the father feels useful." I smiled faintly, then sat down on the sofa near Dad. With a pampered attitude I leaned my body.
''Do you really not like your children to be independent?" I asked in a sulking tone, occasionally looking up at my father's face.
"Don't like it, it's just that I feel useless." I looked up at my now aging face with a faint smile. Ah my father, the man who became my first love in the world now he looks old.
"Father was always useful to Mutia, the father was the protector of Mutia after the protection from God. Mutia was sure that if Mutia was sick, it would be the first one to feel the pain that Mutia felt. So you're very useful to Mutia." I felt the droplets of tears streaming down my cheeks, and I felt my father's embrace. I was astonished and somehow today I brought him to cry, there was a feeling of tightness in the chest that seemed to lure me to tears.
"Dad is still reluctant to let go of you dear, but it seems like you really are an adult." My father wiped out the rest of the stream that soaked my cheeks. I nodded in agreement if I had grown up without feeling.
Once upon a time when I was a child, I always had the desire to grow up so that I could do everything I wanted to do myself. But now, I want to return to being a toddler who is showered with a thousand affections from everyone to infinity.
Is this wrong?
Isn't this human nature?
Always feel less about what you have. But really, if time could spin and could choose. I choose to be a toddler who knows nothing more than to be an adult and know things.
"Here you go, let's take you," said the father then we stood together. While tidying up my uniform I stepped towards the garage of the house, not forgetting I brought folding umbrellas and large umbrellas for us to get out of the car.
I sat next to the driver's seat, I watched my father's face look calm and dignified while driving his favorite car. I really like the aura of the face he is showing, although I prefer the smile that adorns his face.
He's a strong protector, I'm very proud to have him. Until I subconsciously thought that I would never share him with anyone, not even Rifa.
"Don't look at me like that, you can fall in love" said the father with a teasing voice and a smile on his face. Ah, that's my favorite expression.
"What's? In love???" I said with a face made as much as possible, whereas in my heart I was flowering, until the expression and connotation of my words made my father chuckle.
"Well that's a good idea, Dad. So I don't have to be heartbroken" I said enthusiastically. With a glowing face, I don't know what I just said. It just came out without me thinking about it first.
"Breaked heart?" asked my father to make sure what he heard from me. I grumbled when my father caught my words. Ah, I open the card. Is spontaneity not honesty?
"Yes, my father, heartbroken." I saw my dad frowning, if that's how my dad looks older than usual.
Maybe it would be better if I immediately asked him to marry, before he was declared unskilled.
Married, can I accept that?
Actually in the bottom of my heart I feel there is something empty and needs to be filled, therefore I began to feel everything that is lacking in this life. And I found it–––see father married.
"Mutia, listen to me all right." Father said seriously, making my gaze focus on him, even though he was still busy with his wheel.
What's the matter?
Why are gini frogs?
What did I do wrong? I began to look back at the details of every incident today.
"Father does not forbid you to fall in love, but father definitely forbids you to date. You know what I mean, daddy." I nodded, I still remember that message back when I was in Junior High.
"Like with a boyfriend is natural, but the unnatural has an inappropriate relationship. Try to imagine, if you are related to a guy, that brother you have a disagreement and stretch not that it gives the impression of discomfort. And you must know who was harmed? What is clear is you. So don't have useless relationships. Remember that your soul mate will pick you up just in time. So do not lend yourself to others so that your soul mate is not borrowed by others." That was my father's advice.
Lucky I didn't have it? He is a shield in my life.
"Well, Mutia actually likes someone, but someone is difficult to reach because of limitations and distances that stretch." My father chuckled when he heard my words. I wonder, is there anything funny? I'm talking seriously.
Ah, dad was always like this.
"You are so poetic" my father teased me, making a red hue adorn my cheek because I felt the warmth.
"Like it is natural and do it accordingly. I'm sure the heroine of this father's daughter can certainly do her best to master her joy." Dad turned his steering wheel to the left and stopped his car in front of the school.
"We've reached the princess" my father said with a smile. I nodded happily. Shaking his hand did not forget to kiss his left cheek. And I get a reply kissed on my forehead.
After doing my routine, I unfurled the purple folding umbrella inside and the gray outside. And get out of the car, don't forget to say hello and wave my hand.
The word 'be careful' doesn't forget to come out of my lips and my father's lips. I rushed to the gate, where Mr. Rahmad was standing, I greeted him as he passed. I did not take the time to talk because I saw he was busy arranging the parking lot, besides that the atmosphere was raining.
Oh rain, I remember a hadith I read in an article. Who told about Rosulullah who finished the morning prayer then said that the rain was rahmad, then who would have thought bad with the rain then he denounced the mercy of Allah. Anyway it's less like that, I forgot to remember.
I walked to class in slow steps, as I passed the motor vehicle parking lot I saw Ryan, I greeted him and offered to class together. Be us both. Don't assume anything, I'm just purely trying to help. Although throughout the walk there were some students who turned their heads twice to confirm what he saw. I remained indifferent, unconcerned because my original purpose was to help nothing more.
"Thank you, yes" she said as I was busy folding my umbrella. I smiled and nodded. Then we walked together, we talked a lot about lessons.
Starting from the homework given by the busy Viennese maam, how not yesterday without explaining suddenly the Vienna ma'am the math teacher told to do as many as 60 problems, as well as the, and it should be detailed in its way even though it is a multiple choice.
Imagine the weight of the task.
After that we discussed about the sports lessons that were in the first hour with rainy weather conditions like this, until we were unknowingly in front of the class.
"Gue first," said Ryan, I nodded and stepped closer to the corner of the door to lay my umbrella.
I went into a class that looked crowded like a vegetable market, some were increasing clothes by fanning books, some were scrambling fans, some were wagging and combing hair. Today we wear sports uniforms, so all wear trousers.
Although my High School is mostly not veiled but their clothes remain polite, as evidenced by the standard uniforms of the school all use long skirts, although there are clothes that are short for those who are not veiled and long for those who are veiled. So do not look for students who use knee-length skirts because it is not in everyday life except for certain days. Like a ceremony for the flag bearer.
Yes, that's the rule in this school. Amazing right?
I stepped towards my chair while shaking hands with the other students while making small talk. Consider it a morning briefing.
"Lo bring a change of hijab?" shinta asked as she allowed her hair to curl.
"What's wrong, why?"
"So, later if the rain is wet so you have to change so that your uniform does not follow wet," he said then sat down, looking forward with gloom.
"Here you go, we're like mind." I followed in his footsteps to sit down. Occasionally glanced at him. I've been thinking lately that something's wrong with my silent best friend on this one.
Butwhat?
"Have you heard the news of the language class victory at the writing event?" shinta asked quietly, it seems like she feels bad. I smiled and nodded without making a sound.
"Mutia," called the figure of the man, making me stop.
----
Smile a powerful weapon to close yourself, but Silence was no less powerful. (Kru Kepo)
----------------
"Yes, I am" I replied, not hiding my surprise. How not to be surprised, he knew my name. I can assure you that I do not know or recognize him at all.
"There's no need to be too formal" Rouf said as he waved his hand. He seemed so relaxed compared to the upside with me which currently feels stiff.
"Can talk for a minute" he asked me. I felt bad, I looked around as we were the center of attention, I nodded in hesitation to agree to her request. I feel disrespectful if I refuse.
We stepped out and sat on the terrace, coincidentally in first class right on the terrace there was his seat.
"You must be confused because I know your name," said he starting the conversation, I just nodded reluctantly to make a sound. Sometimes I look around badly.
"I don't know you yet, but I already know your name and your picture of someone." He looked at me meaningfully.
I'm still thinking about what he said, if he knows me for a photograph, don't tell me he's a hit man. I looked at him with a judging look.
Emm....
It doesn't look like it. If he's a pay-off killer for sure he has a spooky face, but this face is quite eco-friendly.
And if he was going to kill me, he would not have appeared in front of his victims. I turned back to him, he seemed uncomfortable with my appraising gaze but what a matter of me.
I just shook my head realizing my ridiculous thought.
"Who gave you that photo?" manya curious. Besides being curious, I also hope to get rid of my paranoia.
"Your father" he replied casually.
"I'm glad to see you in person, right your father said if you were a unique and kind girl. I can see the look on your face." I'm still stuck in my mind.
Why did you give him my picture?
Don't tell me it's like a telenovela or a soap opera. That dad was setting me up. I shook my head quickly, throwing away that thought. I'm 16 years old, I'm not serious about setting myself up, am I?
I sighed as the man bailed to leave because it was bad to leave his partner.
I was about to move but I paused when I saw Desi and Madina in front of me. I frowned confused by their cynical expressions.
Did I do something wrong?
"Gue thought you'd change after yesterday's incident, but you're never going to change" Madina said.
"intentioned?'' I was confused, I really did not understand the direction of the conversation. He suddenly appeared and said something that I did not understand, right now my mood is bad so I have to really keep the emotional pressure.
"Lo really intention is the spread of charm, you think with deketi kak Rouf you will be able to win this event? How you know muna no," said Madina, I saw Desi smiling cynically.
I'm quite offended by Madina's words, I'm not an angel who would take all these slurs for granted, I've been quite silent in her behavior all along.
I knew that he instigated some people by revealing something that didn't suit me until some of my other friends stayed away from me, but I just kept quiet because I thought there was no point in serving his childish nature.
"I don't know the direction you're talking about, it's not a drama. It's real life so I know enough that the way you say it won't work." I looked at the shocked faces of the two of them, then I smiled faintly, "if you don't know the truth don't just talk, it will cause slander."
I got up from my seat, I tidied up my clothes and was about to step before a voice sounded, "don't be hypocritical, don't be hypocritical, I know you're just ashamed of being rejected and ashamed that we've learned your rotten face is behind your innocent face."
I was stunned, I had never felt that bad all this time and no one had ever said anything so rude to me.
I was silent in my position, as if I had no strength to step. I wanted to tear my mouth off that shameless manners, but I couldn't possibly do it.
O Allah strengthen the servant, thin the emotions of the servant. I read the ta'awud over and over again, taking a voracious breath and exhaling quietly.
I felt like something was pulling my arm, when I saw who was holding me I tried to smile despite the failure.
"Lo not papa?" feby asked as he led me to a seat near the security guard post. I shook my head, "i'm fine."
"I'm late in life, sorry" said Feby, smiling and shaking his head.
"Thank you for helping me," I said softly as I looked up, warding off the tears that were about to fall. I can't cry, that's what I'm saying in my heart.
"Who told you to?" ask me after I have mastered myself.
"Someone you know and I know" he said with a smile full of mystery. I smiled and held her hand, I was so grateful to her, I didn't know what it would have been like if she hadn't taken me away.
It could be that I would lose my control and counterattack Madina with words that might hurt her as well as myself or worse I would shut up and cry in front of them.
"Lo not papa?" shinta asked to wake me from the memory of the incident two weeks ago.
"No papa," I replied as I tidied up my bag which I put in the drawer.
"Gue was still astonished, why did you suddenly decide not to join the writing event," said Shinta looking suspiciously, Ana and Lana immediately looked back, they seemed curious as well.
"No papa, I just don't fit the theme." Shinta was just silent while Ana and Lana muttered a sign of understanding.
"Gue can't believe it, there must be something else behind it." I did not tell anyone anything, I even asked Feby to keep the incident a secret.
"I told you there was no Shin," I said stuttering, I felt intimidated by Shinta's gaze.
"Woe, wait for Mr. Jono in the field." That voice saved me from being cornered by Shinta's gaze. Ah, it's better to see Shinta ask a lot of things than to be silent and look suspicious.
I exhaled a heavy breath and then stepped out of the classroom with the others.
Hopefully that was the last addition to the problem, I do not want to be dragged and kept remembering the incident did not wear it.
--------------
We walked towards the out door field that was at the back, ignoring the drizzle that spread.
Our line extends across the basketball court, commanded by Ryan with the boy position on the right and the girl on the left.
After taking a distance by stretching out our hands, we began to pray according to each other's beliefs. After I finished praying I put my head up, I wanted to feel the rain.
Shinta on my right did the same thing, Shinta once told me she didn't like the rain, but she was happy to see the rain.
Isn't that something weird?
I used to ask her the reason but she still seemed reluctant to tell me. Maybe it's a secret that no one can know.
Warming starts, we tilt our head to the right with a count of 2x8, then move to the left. Look to the right and left with the same count, and some simple hand exercises like two hands on the chest are moved straight and then swayed evenly. At the end of the game we ran around the field three times.
I ran leisurely and silently, I wanted to enjoy this splash of water from the sky. I've only got two rounds but the others are mostly done.
"Mut, the rain was calming and unsettling at the same time huh," Shinta said making me turn towards her. He just looked blankly ahead.
"Why do you think that?" to my surprise, he stopped from running. I saw his face flushed and his eyes glazed over.
I walked up to him, I could tell the difference between his tear and the rain that mixed it.
Shinta was crying, she was crying under the rain. And that's when heavy rain falls, many will begin to move places to the terrace. However, Shinta and I have not yet moved.
"If you want to cry, why wait for the rain?" ask me while leading him to the terrace of a room in the west, contrary to other friends.
"I don't want to look weak, Mut." He started to squat and sob. I never know what makes him like this but I know he's in a phase of not being able to control himself.
I crouched down nearby, I just quietly accompanied him who wanted to vent something, either sadness or resentment. I stroked her delicate back, and looked forward looking.
"You know Shin, crying doesn't mean we're weak. It is precisely because we are so strong that God tests us with greater things."
"Gue and bang Abi lost in the rain, four years ago when my family did a family tour to Malang. It was the hardest time of our lives. I lost both my parents and bang Abi lost a role model in his small family, which is Ridwan bang Abi's father." He began to tell stories despite being stifled. I was quite surprised, I just quietly listened.
"Since then I lived with bang Abi and her mother, bang Abi's mother was devastated. He got married at a young age, he never felt the world of work. When left by Ridwan he began to pioneer many businesses. Starting from culinary, fashion, knick-knacks, agriculture and also farming. But all failed, and the end of the effort can be ascertained when it rains. It's not that I denounce the rain, it's just that when it rains I feel anxiety and a fear." I clasped his hand firmly, it turned out that something that looked solid had a fragility side as well. God is truly just in sharing all things with man.
"Bang Abi who used to be friendlier than he is now, although now he is friendly but has changed, he is different and I do not recognize him more. It's been almost six months ago bang Abi has not sent word, this makes aunt sad and it makes me uncomfortable. I've contacted him many times but I never could. We're worried, Mut." Shinta sobbed back, so I couldn't bear to see it.
So the thing that kept him out of focus all this time was this matter. I really never knew if he was an orphan, all this time I was too indifferent to recognize my own best friend. I am sorry and very sorry. Maybe all this time I was a selfish person, always thinking about myself indifferently to others.
"Later try to find out about Abi huh," I said calmly. He lifted his face and cleaned his tear marks violently.
"I'm sorry I made you remember that." He held one hand and my free hand patted that slowly. I am so grateful for my destiny. Even if my father and mother were separated, at least I could still see her, reach out and embrace her. It turns out that there are still many less fortunate than me.
"No problem" I said with a smile. Then we both turned to the two guys who broke through the rain towards us.
"Aren't you papa?" irvan asked, shaking her hair.
"No papa" I replied slowly. Ryan was just watching us in silence, and when our eyes met he just smiled faintly and nodded.
"The sport was disbanded, told to change clothes and look for the angels to the cafeteria" Irvan said. And stared at Shinta full of judgment and then threw away his face.
Me and Shinta stood up, but somehow my head felt dizzy, and suddenly I remembered something. Abi disappeared from distribution. He's got no news.
Jakarta is not a small city, what happened to him?
"Mut," called Shinta, I turned my head then nodded. In my brain I still think about all that in silence. Then we stepped towards the class along with a light talk.
----------
