RANIA 'God's Destiny Makes Me Cry In Pelaminan'

Trying to Accept Destiny

After the proposal with Bima, I also returned to Yogya, because the wedding was planned to be held in June 2011.

And all that is absolutely the plan of my family and Bima family, without them knowing, June is a month that has quite a big memory in my life, because June 2009 is a month where I know Farhan mas. What a test you have, God. But since my heart is numb, I don't care anymore. Whatever!

Arriving at Yogya I immediately met Via, I told him everything, all the application process, everything.

"Men, are you okay?" ask her.

"Yes, why Vi?"

Via held my forehead, felt my hand. And it amazes me.

"Why Vi?" my many.

"Usually you if the story about this must be crying, like yesterday fit on the phone, but this is how ordinary it seems, you really have received all this and legowo right? Nek ya yo nice, but I'm kok serem from earlier see how you story and answer some of my questions" he said at length.

"Which are they?" my many.

"Men, it's like it's not you, your eyes are like medeni, it's like it's empty" he said.

"Aih Via, it's me, Rania, just a normal feeling" I said.

And after that chat I went into my room. I collected some Farhan mas gifts, this time I saw all of them without crying again. And I kept it in a box.

Yes, this time I was completely numb, there was an empty passage that I could not describe. When the sadness disappears, I don't know.

"Ran, can I come in?" ask Via from outside my room.

"Come in, I'm not the key." I said.

"Men, would you like to see Farhan once again?" ask her.

And my hand that was busy arranging books and some items that I wanted to pack stopped immediately.

"Why is that?" I got serious and looked at him.

"Ran, I'm worried about you, I've known you for a long time, Ran, your other aura" said Via.

I can feel his voice.

"What does this have to do with meeting Farhan?" my many.

"Ran, until this second you have never really completed this relationship right, Ran between sincere, forcing yourself and petrifying the heart is different" said Via.

"What is a heart? You meanwhat?" I just stared at him.

"Ran, that great sadness and pain can make someone who was once sensitive, so a hard-hearted person, his heart becomes a stone, and can't feel anything anymore, and I'm afraid you're like that, I'm afraid your tears are flowing in, not out, I'm afraid you're losing your real soul, Ran, I don't know how to explain it, I don't know how to explain it, but the moment you talked to me, I didn't feel that you were Rania, my dear friend."

"Via, I don't really understand what you're saying, but I'm gonna take a few more, so I'm gonna ask you out. I no longer want to be disturbed, if you feel uncomfortable with me, please come out." I said while pointing at the door.

"I'm more and more convinced this isn't you Ran, not the real you."

Via came out of my room. And I locked the door.

"Via, I know what you mean, but I feel like I can't control myself, I feel like my heart's been too spoiled, I don't know how to explain it, myself, right now I feel like a hedgehog whose thorns are forced out, so I have no defense and no protection anymore, there was only my skin that was left with this gaping wound and this dried blood, I couldn't feel anything, I froze, I'm sorry. Again sorry." I said in my heart.

And I sat down behind my door.

Later that night while lying in my room and listening to my Favorite songs, Via knocked on my bedroom door.

"Ran, sleep?" ask Via from outside.

"No, relax again, what's up?" ask me when I open the door.

"Jalan yuk, you are the same me, mas Iwan let make his own motor, we have long been out of the way since graduation" he said.

"Where?" my many.

"To the south square aja yuk, eat in angkringan, we continue to chat" he said.

"Okay, I'll change my clothes first" I said.

While on the way I did not think of anything at all, and I was not at all afraid of having to come to the place I had been with Farhan before. Everything feels ordinary.

After eating at angkringan Via took me to the middle of the square, and at that time the atmosphere was quiet, there were only a few people who were trying to pass through the twin banyan.

"Ran, would you like to enter there?" he said while pointing at the twin banyan who was there.

"No, you guys" I replied.

I also saw Via and Mas Iwan begin their journey between the two banyan. And it was in my head as if there was a video that rotated automatically. Yes, I imagined how I used to do it with Farhan mas. But I'm not crying. Not at all.

"How are you?" there's a voice on my right side, and I know it.

I saw a figure standing beside me, Farhan.

"Why is it here?" i'm surprised.

"Rania how are you?" ask her.

"Good." I replied.

And I just realized that this was Via's plan, I saw Via and mas iwan standing far away from us staring at us.

"This is Via's plan?" my many.

And Mas Farhan just smiled, and at that moment my heart really did not feel anything when I saw that smile.

"Don't you like me here?" ask her.

"No." I replied as I walked away from him.

"Dec, what's wrong with you?" ask her while pulling my hand.

"Take off." I said, shaking his hand.

"Ran, Rania." Via called me and ran over.

"I don't like the way you guys are, I want to go home!" I said angry.

"Ran, what's wrong with you? You've never thought of gini" said mas Iwan.

"All of you don't ever take me anywhere again. And you Via, you are presumptuous by planning all this." I said as I continued walking.

"Ran, wait, raaaaan don't freeze your heart please, ran I'm worried about you ran. For what reason am I afraid of squirming you now." said Via as he pulled my hand.

I saw his eyes glazed over, and Iwan tried to hold onto Via's shoulder, as if strengthening him.

"Don't see that" I said, releasing Via's hand.

As I was about to continue my steps, I saw Farhan standing right in front of me.

"Surge!" ketus.

"Rania, give me back my Rania" said Farhan.

"Your rania is gone, Rania you are all gone, Rania is gone, you all can't help Rania, you all let Rania go numb, especially you, you're lying if you say you love me, you didn't save me at all, you let me face it all, you didn't want to take me away, you will not take me to avoid those who always force me to obey their wishes, you are the same with me." I said, pointing to Farhan.

And my crying is no longer stifled. I knelt down and threw out my knee, and the pain of my knee because of the pebbles on the ground of the square was nothing compared to the pain inside here, in my heart.

Via, mas Iwan, and mas Farhanpun squatted around me.

"Farhan, you know that I'm currently engaged to people, you know that when women out there are feeling very happy, with the status of the fiancee, I, I, Rania ainun sofia, feel very tormented, when all women dream of that status, I feel like it's my worst nightmare, and when women out there are excited about getting their wedding dress ready, I feel like I'm preparing a funeral for myself, you don't know when I'm at home, when I'm crying, grieving, and lamenting my story, my dad easily says my love is just a little love, my mom says, no need to feel too much, later also lost, my cousin who knows my story also said lightly, is love so it entered the heart really, ntar also if the wedding party, too, rame-rame, in the dress-up and wear a wedding dress immediately happy. It's easy, it's so easy they say it, and I have to hear it myself, with my ears, and with my melted heart!" I said at length with a cry that I deliberately let out and a voice that I shouted.

There was no answer from them, and I stood with them. I saw their faces one by one, and they were crying and crying. At that moment, I felt that it was no use.

"I'm sorry if maybe now I can't be like the old me, I hope you don't force me, don't force me to heal, don't force me to smile, not forcing me to accept all this.

Indeed, to make a sound is easy, very easy, but can you not see that my heart is really festering? The pain I cannot describe anymore, if you want to try to advise me, I thank you, because honestly whatever your advice is right now is not a cure for my injuries, which can heal this wound only one. Time." I said take out everything in my hand at that moment.

"Dek, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, now I can feel how much your heart hurts, I think, my always cheerful Rania will easily heal her heart, it turns out I was wrong, I was wrong, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." said Mas Farhan.

"I'm also sorry Ran, I don't know if it turns out that the pain that you feel is that deep, sorry because I and Iwan mas had thought that you must be okay, but you must be okay, because we feel familiar with your character, we think your relationship with Mas Farhan has not been too long, and it will make it easier for you to heal wounds, but we are wrong, sorry I am Ran." said Via while crying.

Yeah, Via really cried, and it made me sick.

"I know you mean well, I know you want the best for me, but you need to know, my wounds are not just scratches, only I know how much it hurts, only God and I know how I suffered. So please, don't make me the old me, I need time, a lot of time" I said.

"Rania ainun sofia, I'm sorry that I don't have the ability to get you out of this situation, I'm sorry that I was too cowardly for this matter, because of the relationship with the parents' blessing, I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I look like a loser who can only stand by and watch her boyfriend cry and feel pain, but if I can be honest, maybe this pain I feel is just like you, like you, it's just that I tried to be able to treat it immediately, because this wound is only I know, and the cure was only I know." said Mas Farhan while completely sobbing.

I couldn't stand to stand there and see the key to my heart break. Yes, for me at that time Farhan was still the key to this heart, and seeing him cry was the thing I hated the most. It's okay for this heart to fester, but don't let the key break. I thought at the time.

Via and Mas Iwan followed me from behind, as Via was picking up the bike from the parking lot, and I waited at the edge of the square, I saw Farhan was still standing there, I saw him just bowed without moving.

"Mas Farhan, I'm sorry, it made you cry again, sorry if this heart is so hard to normal again, I don't care anymore about what people think of me, some may say I overreact to this love, which is for sure, only I know, if this heart is no longer shaped. I never thought that loving you could be this sick, that I could turn back the clock, I wish we never met, that I wouldn't have experienced this, but we can't escape God's destiny, no, maybe someday I can take this with a new heart. Maybe." I said in my heart.

june 25th, 2011

It was my wedding day, the day I stood on the lap, in front of many, wearing the bridal dress that all women dream of, preparing for the forced smile for hours, shake hands with many people who pray. And my crying was unbearable, but I immediately wiped away my tears, because I didn't want anyone to ask.

Don't ask me how I felt at that moment. Hollowly.

The evening was over Ijab qabul and the reception held on the same day, I was busy helping my mother clean the house, because the wedding was held at my house.

"Ey, newlyweds, just rest there, will be tired" said my cousin.

"Yes mbak, just rest, all day in the pelaminan was tired, there to the room, sleep or open a gift" said the mother.

"No papa ma'am, Rania wants to help." I replied.

Yes, I want to make my body as tired as possible, so that when I enter the bridal room later I immediately fall asleep. That's my plan.

At 23:00 I entered my room, after helping to clean things up and take a shower. I saw that Bima was already sitting on the wedding bed wrapped in sheets that actually looked very beautiful. But because my heart is not happy at all, everything feels normal.

"Sir, here rest, you must be tired" said Bima.

"Never touch me, before my heart is healed, wait all you can, if you feel incapable, let me go." I said.

"Ran, how long are you going to act like me? Now I'm your husband." he said looking annoyed.

"Status, it's just status, don't think you're really my husband as long as my heart's still frozen" I said.

"Rania, aren't you horrified by the insults from earlier? If you act like this to me, you're a sin." he said.

"I know, but do they all know that this marriage IS NOT FROM MY HEART!" I was screaming too.

And I heard my bedroom door knock.

"Ran, Rania, what's wrong with you?" my mother's voice called me.

I opened the door and I saw my mom and dad there.

"No papa, dad and mom just sleep, whatever you hear doesn't need to be ignored, Rania is fine" I said.

And I closed that door.

A week after that day Bima and I returned to Yogya with my mother and father.

Because there will be a ngunduh mantu event.

After the ghostly ngunduh event was completed, Bima and I immediately occupied the rented house that was in Bima's rent, because when Bima asked me to stay with her parents I did not want to. I told him to buy a house, or contract, just separate from the parents. I don't want my attitude to Bima at the sight of his father and mother, because Bima's father and mother are very good to me, only I haven't been able to accept everything that easily.

A week later I decided to take all the items that were still left at the boarding house.

While cleaning my room and packing all the things I would bring to my house and Bima, Via came to my room.

"Ran, you're now somebody's wife, and you're moving in, and maybe you're not coming here anymore. But inget Ran, I'm still your best friend, I'll always be there for you, whenever you need me, call me Ran. Whenever." said Via.

And I hugged him too. My love for Via is so great, all this time he has been my place to pour out all my grief, until whenever he is my best friend.

"Take care of yourself Vi, if I want to play later, I will definitely come here, don't be bored with my curses." I said.

"Definitely Ran, definitely, I always wait for you, I also now have started to enter the job application, so I keep it here" he said.

"Ran, I want to give you something, but don't throw it away, it's not from me" said Via hesitating.

"What?" my many.

He gave me a medium-sized black box. And my feelings went straight to Farhan.

After chatting with Via while tidying up my things, Via returned to his room.

And I opened the box that was given Via.

It turns out that in the box there is a rectangular fabric that is wide enough made of dark red velvet and a letter.

And it turns out that the cloth is a hijab.

I opened the letter as well.

Assalamualaikum deck, ar,

Sorry if maybe my gift this time bothers you, there is no intention of making you sad or anything like that. This is my heartfelt gift to you, perhaps as a last gift.

Again, I thank you for everything, for what we have been through together, thank you for all the memories that I will carry with me at any time. This gift is a hijab, I give this in the hope that one day you can wear this hijab.

I cannot put many words together, the essence of this letter is only an infinite apology and gratitude, for the woman who once filled the deepest corner of my heart.

Wassalamualaikum it.

And at that moment I smiled while holding that hijab, the first hijab I had, and I still wear it to this day.

Since then my days spent working to help Bima run her business. Yes, he is my husband. Even if it was just a status without feeling in my heart. That time.

And my duty as a real wife only gave after a year of marriage, because I did not want to sin for a long time because of being a wife who does not serve her husband.

And one day, one fate of God still makes me wonder why it happened, and actually happened, whether it was suratan, or a coincidence. And it happened after 3 years of my marriage to Bima.

It happened in May 2013.

That day I felt very saturated, feeling very uneasy with my heart, because I suddenly remembered that the month was the birth month of Farhan, even though for 3 years I was married, I've tried to forget everything, I've been trying to move my heart slowly.

But that day I didn't want to drag on with my anxiety. And I also ventured to go to Ratu Boko Temple itself, with desperate capital and certainly SMS orders from mas Iwan. I went there to be alone, to refresh my mind, that was my plan.

I also sat in a chair under a big tree, where I used to be with Farhan. Maybe I could also say at that time I was looking at my memories.

I sat there for a long time, feeling the cool breeze and beautiful place, after 3 hours there, and felt a little relieved, I also plan to go home. But as I got up from the chair, and walked a few meters from it, I saw Farhan walking towards me, he did not see me, but I saw him, and when his gaze was fixed on me, he immediately stopped his steps. Yeah, I saw him surprised.

And I smiled at him too.

We have been looking at each other for a long time. Until I finally approached him.

"How are you?" manya.

"Well, how are you?" tanyakanya.

"God is good, by yourself?"

"Yes, is it alone?" tanyakanya.

"Yes, I'm alone, do you want to think?" my gura while smiling.

"Haha, I'm here a lot, because it's not far from home either" she replied with a laugh.

"I go home first." I said as I stepped towards the exit of the temple.

"Thank you for wearing the hijab" she said as I passed by.

And I just realized that at that time I was wearing a hijab and bross from him.

And I smiled as I continued to walk home.

"Lord, is this fate or coincidence? Only you know. And thank you for taking care of him and keeping him healthy" I said in my heart.

And that was my last meeting with Farhan. To this day, I never saw him again.

Eleven years have passed since the introduction of June 2009.

Seven have passed since the last meeting in May 2013.

And last I heard, she got married in 2014.

I can't really forget that story. Because even to this day without me knowing, I still remember the details very much.

* THE END *