RANIA 'God's Destiny Makes Me Cry In Pelaminan'

A bland soul on the day of application

December 2010

The graduation day came. I should be happy, but no, I'm not too happy. It even seems like I have forgotten what true happiness is.

Since the trip to Semarang in August 2010, I have never met again with Farhan mas. Because when returning from Semarang, while in front of the boarding gate, Farhan once said :

"From today on, I won't see Rania's deck again on my own, unless it's Rania who asked me to meet. I will not suddenly appear again, for I know it will make your sorrow endless, and I do not want it, though I know, to be unhappy with you, but at least I don't want to make you sad, if one day I need me, SMS and phone, I'm always there."

And from that day on I decided not to see him again, I knew how I felt, although the longing was very pronounced, although I wanted to see his face, but I did not want to contact him at all, not asking him to come and see me. I'm trying to get used to it without her. Even if it's not easy. Believe this.

Father and mother had arrived in Yogya three days before D-day, I could feel their happiness, her son had graduated. And that's dad's dream.

When the graduation ceremony was over, I immediately went out of the building, met some of my friends and congratulated them, including Via. After the photo session with my parents, I asked my mom and dad to go home first to the boarding house, I still want to go to college and meet some other friends.

While chatting with some friends and sharing happiness together, Via suddenly pulled my hand without saying anything. He kept pulling my hand and it headed to the park where we used to chat.

Suddenly he gave me a letter in a small box.

"What'sthis? Alah Via bother you, I just don't nyiapin anything for you." I joke.

"Open up" he said briefly.

The first thing I opened was a small black box, and when I opened it turned out to be a beautiful butterfly-shaped bross. And then I remembered Farhan. I remember the butterfly hairpin he once gave me.

"This is from you?" I looked at Via.

And Via turned my head to the right. And I was really surprised that Farhan was standing behind a fence between the road and my campus.

If I follow my heart, I would love to run and see her, but I can't bear to cry anymore, crying in front of her. Not because it would make me sick, but seeing him cry would make me feel much more sick.

And I just smiled from a distance, waving a hand that was holding a letter that I hadn't read. And Farhan smiled at me, then walked away.

I also bowed for a long time.

"Ran, aren't you papa?" ask Via.

"For a long time I didn't see Farhan, I used to see him every day was filled with smiles and laughter, but now, even seeing him from a distance I was very sad Via." I said holding back my tears.

"Patience, I can't help, this is all I can, I told him to come in, but he didn't. He said please give this to you. But I said don't go straight away, he had to see you use this toga, at first he didn't want to, he said he had promised not to see you without you asking, he said, but I think he should see you with this toga, at least he also you mention in your script right, infinite thanks to the owner of the most beautiful smile, right?"

"You read Vi?" my many.

"Yes, at first I just want to see, my name you call ndak, and thank God there is, and I see his name ndak you say, but I re-read, it turns out the owner of the smile, he? Really?"

I just nodded, and only God knew how I felt at the time.

And Via hugged me, my tears were unbearable, for some reason, whether it was just me, or someone else out there who had felt this kind of feeling, sometimes I asked, is this overkill? Is this not normal? But whatever, I clearly feel, sad that I cannot describe.

Two days after graduation, my mom and dad came home, and before I got home, I said something.

"Mbak, in March Bima and her family will come to Sumatra to propose to you officially, he said around the 20th, if you can go home on the 15th, we prepare a welcome. Later when the application that comes only family, simple, important sacred."

And I say nothing at all, my heart is bland, my heart cannot feel anything. At all.

After the father and mother came home, some other boarding friends also came home to share happiness with their families, including Via, and at that time I felt very lonely.

The letter that Farhan gave at that time I had not read at all, again I was afraid to open it. But that day while playing songs that represented my feelings, I ventured to open them, and the letter said :

Assalakualaikum deck, ar,

I hope you are always good and in His protection. Congratulations on the graduation, finally the struggle you have been through all this time has produced a proud result, sorry I could not attend and see you wearing the pride toga, but I am sure, you will look beautiful.

Sorry I can't give you anything, I can only give you a small gift that's worth nothing, but I hope you like it.

I miss you Rania, miss you when you daydream, miss when you smile, miss your chatter that always sounds funny in my ears. I miss everything that's been on you.

I cannot have your body and cannot be with you like my shadow once was. But trust me, I am so grateful to have so many wonderful memories with you.

My message, remain a strong and strong woman, I have seen for myself your struggle, even though in the face of a big problem, you still stand. Maybe what other people see you keep crying, you are fragile, but believe me, it is not easy to stay strong and focus on graduation, while the heart is hurting. And you, it turns out you can. You're capable.

Wasaalamualaikum, sumit,

What I had been standing in front of my window reading the letter, I knelt down at once, I took out all the claustrophobic feeling from the bottom reading the letter, to the end.

I could've called her, could've texted her and asked her to see me back then, but I knew, there would be no more happiness whenever we could meet, because I would just cry, cry, cry, and weep. Because I know, there really is no hope anymore.

The night I was getting lonely, there was not a single boarding child left behind, all out, besides some returning home, some were celebrating graduation by eating with other friends. And I chose to stay, I'm sure I won't be able to feel that happiness.

And that night I could no longer hold back my longing, completely incapable. I also ventured to SMS mas Farhan.

"Assalamualaikum mas." I said.

Ten minutes later I just got a reply.

"Waalaikumsalam deck, how are you?"

"Good thanks, what else?" my many.

"Again in the room, again writhing the photos on the camera, in this camera stored some smiles Rania" he said.

And I felt her longing for me bigger than I thought.

"Do you want to keep everything? Wouldn't it be sad to remember?" my many.

"Sad that's for sure, but for now I haven't been able to archive it, sometimes if I miss it, it's the cure."

"But I'm sure, later if you've got my replacement, you'll slowly forget it." I reply.

"There will never be a substitute."

"Huh? Masa' You won't get married?" my many.

"Even if one day I find someone else, it's not a substitute, but a new person, because until any time, Rania will never be replaced."

"Mas Farhan, why don't we just run away anyway, why can't we make a revolt, why can't we be like people out there who elope, God strengthen Rania, erase this sadness, God, Rania is not strong" I said in my heart.

And the SMS ended there, because I was no longer able to continue my grief.

March 2011

On the 15th I was in Sumatra, and as long as I was there I seemed to be a robot that my whole family could control, no more rejection, no more rebuttal, not even a cry anymore, during the application procession I just fell silent, before the preparation took place, from the selection of kebaya, make up and others, I just fell silent, I agreed with all the designs of father and mother, I agreed, sometimes I use my smile to avoid questions from other families, especially the Bima family. And the procession went well. Smooth and just flow.

I could see that happiness accompanied my parents. Yes, I really don't care about my feelings anymore.

"Thank you for giving me a better chance" Bima said, starting a conversation while we were both on the porch of my house.

"Sama-sama" I replied without looking at her.

"I wish we were.."

"Don't expect too much, because I'm arranging my heart that has become dust" I said cutting off Bima's words.

"I will not force it, I will wait until the heart is back intact and can accept me, for whatever it is" he said.

"Farhan know if we're applying today?" tanyakanya.

I looked at him and stood up.

"Never mention that name, because it's embedded deep in the corner of my heart. And one thing you need to remember, your efforts to reach my heart might work someday, but I make sure you can never get rid of him in the deepest part of my heart, unless I alone can mengikhlaskannya." I said firmly.

And I went by and left Bima, and it turned out that when I walked into the house, I saw my father standing behind the window, and I was sure he heard what I had said.

"Rania, it's still not over with your little love for Farhan, the father who raised you, the father who loved you from the baby, you can't even appreciate your efforts at all, choosing what's best for you, I know that better." said Dad as I looked up to him.

"Love that dad said no how much it was that made Rania's heart numb, Rania had obeyed all the father wanted until this moment, even Rania no longer cared about Rania's feelings, Rania, so Rania begs me not to say that it's a little love." I said as gently as possible, so that I knew how much I was enduring the pain.

Seriate..