Lutfi Gilang's

27. My decision

i

Tuesday, January 1, 2019 at 00:01 AM local time, is the time when I enjoy the new year alone. No family, no lovers, no friends, and no doctors who used to take care of me.

Here, in a patch room with a stink of alcohol. I'm just accompanied by a voice from a medical defibrillator and a patient monitor. My mouth and nose were covered in a debulizer where the ends were connected to an oxygen regulator. My right ring finger is wearing an overview of fingertip pulse oximeter. And on the back of the hand there is an infusion tube and a blood hose.

I did not expect that the slander spread by Adit would also affect Doctor Triyanto until he would no longer care to take care of me.

Even the news was widely discussed in the news and social media, which until taken as an event on FTV.

How disappointed would they be if I betrayed Lutfi?

With a limp body I still survive to sit while looking out the window while enjoying the view of fireworks that bloom since ten minutes ago and have not stopped until now.

I didn't expect, in the new year of 2019 I really spent my time alone without Lutfi, and without anyone. I'm totally alone. It was as if I had become something else that did not belong to this world.

From the multi-storey room, I also heard people shouting excitedly, laughing happily with their family or partner or friends. Something, which I miss very much right now.

The week before, I tried to straighten out the misunderstandings that plagued my friends, all of them, one by one, every day, from early morning until almost midnight. I contacted them via SMS, phone, e-mail, social media, even I searched their address and visited their home. But none of them would listen to my explanation. When they found out there was something about me, they quickly walked away after cursing me.

Not only friends, it also spread all the way to my place of work, at the 0000 company. Tio, Mas Beni, Mr. Heru, Mr. Zurri, Mas Anton, to the Director! Everyone started hating me. I really feel like my career is ruined.

"Hmmm... So how can I prove to them that I'm not cheating?"

From that incident that made my body drop, and had to be languishing in this hospital alone since yesterday afternoon.

Again and again, I don't know who brought me here. The hospital won't even explain who brought me here. Who is that guy actually?

Duars! Duars! Duars!

Explosions of fireworks are blaring across the universe. The colors of the light are very pampering to the eyes. The cry of people, the sound of trumpets, the sound of bedugs also enliven the new year event this morning. Beautiful, lively, crowded, and cool of course.

"Lutfi, do you see the same sky as me? Do you feel the same desire as me? Do you know what is happening to me? ....Dear Lutfi, I'm here fighting to be healthy for you. To clear up all these misunderstandings. To find where you are again. To be with you again."

Slowly I felt tears run across my cheek.

"I'm sure I'll meet you no matter how."

Suddenly I collapsed with an increasingly blackened blurry vision. Black, dark, and silent.

🌹🌹🌹

ii

I was discharged from the hospital after a fifteen-day stay there. By himself! Without anyone!

The doctor ordered me to go to the hospital at least twice a week. If my condition worsens I have to have surgery that is 40% likely to survive%.

Yeah, no surgery, I'm sure I'll live. And we don't need to discuss my illness here. I don't like to be pitied for my shortcomings.

Okay, back to the story.

"This is not appropriate" said Mas Toto while throwing my script. "What's really going on? Your writing is really like a regular one."

I'm bowed. Confused what to answer.

"You know, you've got two weeks left. And only one chapter that you managed to write." he explained with a worried tone. "How is this going?"

I'm silent.

"What are you serious about making this script?!" tanya Mas Toto slightly exclaimed.

I exhale. Then shake.

As if knowing my problem, Mas Toto got up and patted me on the shoulder. "Well, you back off, and pay the fine, so you don't have to waste your time like this. You still have money saved, right?" He suggested.

I'm nodding.

"Yes, the problem is done now. Excuse me first." he said and passed me by.

I still don't budge. Just this time, during my time as a writer, the results were very chaotic. I mean, I've been repeatedly trying to make the best possible script since December last year, until this very second. But, it didn't produce results. All were rejected.

And indeed, I admit, when I reread the script of my novel, I agree with Mas Toto that the contents are not fitting, not clear, not in accordance with the theme, I agree with Mas Toto, and it doesn't fit the framework that I've made a role model. More than that, the language used is also too convoluted, does not show the core of the story, it discusses the matter that is not concerned. And that's clear, very out of the typical Danu Banu.

I try to reflect on my own shortcomings that I could never have imagined before. And then I decided, I stopped writing.

How can I keep writing while my work is messed up like this? More messed up than myself.

So, now, I'm steady. I'm going to quit this job, and focus more on finding Lutfi. Perhaps that way, my friends would trust me again, if I really loved Lutfi and would not dare to betray him. Hope so. I hope....

I'm rising. Out room. And walk to the bank.

🌹🌹🌹

iii

The bank queue is very long, so long it makes me have to go out of the bank after the Ashar Adhan. I didn't go straight back to the 0000 company, because the Director was having an event. So I postpone it until tomorrow.

After performing the Ashar prayer, I returned to Mesh and cleaned up my equipment. I've been preparing to get out of here, and out of my writing job, a job I've been doing for nine years.

Weight does feel like taking off what is a hobby— something that has lasted for years and made money, but my current condition is no longer able to meet the needs in running my hobby. Moreover, the burden of the mind that is stacked also makes me unable to concentrate in producing a work.

Yeah, I'm a lousy guy. I admit it, and you can think of me as such.

Let me suck when I'm alone, I don't matter. But when I was with Lutfi, I was sure there were no bad words around us. Because we both fill each other's shortcomings.

Maybe I had no right to say that when Lutfi himself was not with me, I mean he disappeared without a trace and until now I have not managed to find him. But one thing I'm sure of, Lutfi didn't leave because of the third person, he left because he was testing me, maybe. He's....

My tears flowed profusely as I made my resignation letter from the 0000 company. It felt so hard for me to leave the work I had been building slowly with Lutfi.

"Is this really the right decision? Should I really stop being a writer? Is this going to be the last year Danu Banu's name makes a book?"

I tried to catch my breath, holding back all my misgivings. Covering, wiping tears on my face, looking up at my head, and breathing in air, I remained unsettled. I don't want to stop writing.

Because after all writing was the first thing I got from Lutfi—after I was jealous of a book he read during a heavy rain under a large umbrella while waiting for the angkot to come, writing was the first thing I could show him, writing was the main thing I was good at, writing was my advice to channel my hobbies and all my race, writing was my main job which obviously produced, writing was....

Heavy, it felt so heavy to take all this off.

The tears cannot be broken. It's spilled all over my face and part of my shirt. Making my breath heavy and sore, my head also began to feel migraine.

I saw a picture of Lutfi on my smart phone.

"No, I have to sacrifice. Why do I write if I can't be with Lutfi. I'll stop for him. For him!"

🌹🌹🌹

iv

Next day.

With the remnants of energy, I carried a medium-sized suitcase containing 100 million rupiah in it. After asking the officer, I felt disappointed because the Director was in business in Bandung until the end of January. Even after I checked into his room, the Director wasn't there.

I decided to sit for a while in the waiting room, just resting myself tired.

"Mas Danu," said a man's voice.

"Mas Dodit" I said, shaking his hand.

Mas Dodit sat by my side. "Is there any business for Mas Danu?"

I'm nagging.

"Sama Mas Beni?" He guessed.

I'm shaking.

"Mas Radit?" Dodit is still guessing.

I shook my head again.

"Mas Sopo?"

"Mas Sopo?" I'm back with nanya.

"Yes, Sopo Jarwo. He he he,"

I was intrigued to hear it.

"Who, you know, I mean, who is Mas Danu looking for?" Mas Dodit.

"Director," I replied.

"Ooh.... Mr. Director Boss. If it's not wrong, Mr. Boss Director again there's business, Mas."

"Yes,"

"Mas Danu want to send a message through me? I can't take it to the Director's Boss."

"Well, it just so happens. How good would I be to go to Mas Dodit, huh? Mas Dodit also could not be a bad guy suddenly, yes even though his face is serem, anyway. There's a mustache, a beard, the same old hair, right? Kayak. But, Mas Dodit's persona is not evil, she is meek like the daughter of Solo." I thought.

And after much discussion with the brain, I agreed to ask him for help. "So, gini Mas, I ask Mas Dodit to give the same suitcase to the Director."

"Oooh, of course I will not dare to open up. Unless it is money. He he he,"

I was shocked to hear it. "Oh, is it good to delay, yes, until the Director returns?" Heart asked.

"Handling, Mas. I where there is bold corruption, look good gini really." he said.

I observed the form of Mas Dodit from head to toe, back to head. And to be honest, I was even more hesitant for this nitip mandate to be the same as him.

"I won't give money to my family using illegal money. Corruption results, please, njambret, nipu. Not maybe! Except.. if you're tight."

Ow hell! "Keep Mas Dodit can take care of the mandate what do you have, huh?"

"Can Mas! I am the most honest person in the world. Look at my face!"

I obeyed his orders.

"Is there a criminal look, anyway?" He's nanya.

I'm asserting, in quotes: "forced".

"Udah, ga papa. Just to me. If there's anything, I'm ready to take responsibility."

Hearing that made me relieved. "Yes, I believe in Mas Dodit." I said at last. "This is a suitcase filled with money one hundred million—"

"Well?!" He called out to cut my sentence. "Se-hundred.... hundred million?!"

I'm nodding.

Mas Dodit swallowed his saliva and held the suitcase with trembling hands. "This is all Mas Danu's money?"

I'm asserting.

Dodit again spit, once, twice, three times, and several more times. "Is he thirsty, huh?" I wondered to myself.

"Here, what's this money for Mas Danu? Mas Danu wants to bribe Mr. Boss Director, huh?!" the accusation.

I shook my head and smiled. "Witha Mas, it's my compensation money because it can not make a script according to the set time."

"Loh, Mas Danu can't design the script, anyway?"

I'm nagging.

"You can tell, why Mas?"

"Ga papa Mas Dodit, I'm not feeling well anymore" I said trying hard.

"Oooh. Yes, I hope it's bad, huh Mas?"

"Thank you, Mas Dodit."

"Yes, I got this suitcase. Anything else, Mas?"

"Oh yeah," I quickly picked up my resignation letter that had been wrapped in a red map from inside my backpack. "this is Mas Dodit,"

"That's two, is this Mas?"

I'm nagging. "Thank You Dodit,"

"Just like Danu,"

I quit the 0000 company after saluting Mas Dodit.

"It's my decision, I quit being a writer."