Lutfi Gilang's

20. With Rain

i

Friday prayers I got a message from Baim to go to a company owned by one of the TV channels as an invited guest in order to uncover the incident about missing persons news, but I rejected it because there was something else I had to take care of first: the contract.

Yes, I still can't accept the Director's statement to collaborate with Clara. Again, I stress that I don't hate her, the only problem here is that she's a woman. If only my partner wrote a man, of course I would not insist— repeatedly persuade the Director like today.

Unfortunately, my stubbornness has not borne fruit, the Director remains firm on his stance on the grounds that a contract has been established, and the nitizen already knows the news.

Ah, yes, in this world the nitizen seems to be the ruler of everything. Often it only becomes more troublesome for the community, by flipping through facts or spreading hoax news. It sucks!

Even after I asked Mr. Heru for help, Mr. Zurri, Ms. Sumiarti, and Mas Beni; all of them just told me to follow the Director's decision, and what was written in the contract. More than that indeed, if I can not finish this manuscript in early February next year, I must be prepared to pay a fine of Rp. 50,000,000 and or imprisonment for ten years at most.

In jail? Huh. What is susasana like there? Is it really just a place for criminals? Or a farm for business?

But, in addition to those thoughts about work, my brain also continued to dance, trying to guess the current state of Lutfi.

Let's hope he's not with another guy, hopefully he doesn't love another guy, hopefully he's healthy, hopefully he's not stressed, hopefully nobody hurt him, hopefully nobody hurt him, hopefully he'll eat, hopefully he'll take a bath, and hopefully he'll feel the longing I whisper to the afternoon breeze.

In a private room, after asking all my friends about Lutfi, I sat at the desk with my head turned up. Look at the ceiling of the room. The chest of the flower deflated with heavy breath.

From my vision, I felt the walls of the walls begin to close, and the roof was spinning violently, while the pedestal I was walking on moved like a powerful wave on the high seas. More than that, every time I inhale part of the heart feels excessive pain. "Ah, did my pain recur?"

I sat, enjoying all my helplessness. While the brain was trying to bring out the form of Lutfi, I tried to calm down.

His beautiful face is as beautiful as a rose that blooms at sunrise. His smile was graceful and increasingly gave rise to an aura of tenderness from within him. Both of his eyeballs flashed like the glint of a full moon.

Ah, maybe I was too exaggerated in describing Lutfi. But that's how I look at him. Not to overstate, let alone reduce.

I'm sure, any man in the world, who had only seen him once would instantly fall in love. That's sure! I am sure, and I am sure. Like I put my heart on him when I just met.

Right, you can say that I fell in love at first sight. He. It's like a fictional story. But, yeah, I admit it.

🌹🌹🌹

ii

Eight years ago.

Djibarang, year 2010.

I sat with my head bowed and my hands hugged my knees at the ripening of the river, where no one was around. For the sake of hiding the tearful wail under the cry of the sky.

That day, I was really fucked. Grief and regret synchronized perfectly to my heart and brain.

The disappointment that multiplied due to the love affair as a boy made my chest tight and difficult to breathe. How could I not be disappointed, she—that damn woman approached me for the past two months, and forced me to be her boyfriend with the threat she would kill herself if I refused.

Of course, at first I ignored his chatter. Before I was finally forced to accept him after he spread rumors to all the school residents that we were dating. I ran this relationship with extreme coercion, trying to figure out the reason behind him asking me to be his girlfriend.

At the beginning of our relationship he was very good. Take me home together, wait for me to practice pencak silat, call me when I want to sleep, and help me with my tasks. Yeah, good for introverts like me.

Yes, yes, I admit, the treatment is not much different from ordinary friends.

Okay, continue!

There, after six days in the relationship, I began to be attracted to him, and tried to open my heart to him. I mean, I'm trying to accept and love her. But....

I got a phone call from her best friend she—that damn woman, she said the WS (Fuckin' Woman) again ate with another guy at a diner not far from Wangon terminal. I'm going to prove it.

Is this going to be the third time she's eating with another guy?

And right, the WS is making out with a guy who might be two or three years older than him. They bribe each other, while the other hand holds each other like a newlywed on a honeymoon.

I stepped towards them. Then he greeted the man and said: "I'm his girlfriend,"

He looked puzzled and looked at the WS with an annoyed look.

"What the fuck, anyway, you?!" The WS exclaimed, but I don't care. Not looking at him at all.

I pat the guy's shoulder. "Congratulations, yes. Because you also managed to be tricked like me." I got up and left both of them.

My ears could still hear the man exclaim: "How dare you lie to me! We broke up!"

I answered with a headband, then said: "We've only been dating for a week. I don't like him either."

"Huh?! A-a week?" The man was surprised. "I want a year."

"Oooh. means you cheated. I wasn't. Yes, I still have business." I said and left by bicycle.

Furthermore, I don't know-how the continuation of their relationship. Because right at night, after he called and nagged me for bothering him with his third bucket—, that's all I know, I don't know how many?—I asked to break up and change my phone number.

So, from that, you can definitely tell how disappointed I am with him. And you have to agree with the nickname I gave her: the fucking woman!

But, today, I'm not upset about it, I just feel disappointed about the woman who became my first boyfriend. From that, I was more and more afraid to have relationships with women, like dating I mean.

Hopefully, it doesn't change me personally to be afraid of women, or make me not want to get married, let alone change homo. Don't make!

And of course it never happened, because right on this day, I fell in love with a woman my age, the next eight years I'm fighting desperately to get back to him. Yeah, he is, Lutfi.

But before I go into that, I'll explain something else that makes me cry in addition to the disappointment of betrayal.

First, for the first time in the history of my life, I got a zero for the daily repetition of mathematics.

Yes, crazy indeed! All this time, since I TK until 3rd grade Junior High, my math score was at least 75. Never less than that.

In fact, I'm better at counting than reading. And right, I'd rather count than write and read.

But, I have to accept the fact that my daily mathematical repetition this time gets zero. And that's all because I overslept.

Yes, how else, the name is also sleepy, yes sleeping medicine. He's....

Second, since my daily replay value can be zero, I must prepare for Mamah's scolding which will definitely not end quickly.

In the past, every repetition was signed by the parents before being returned to the teacher. Otherwise, the student will be given a zero even if he gets a hundred though.

Maybe, it's good that I didn't tell Mamah about my bad grades. But, I dare not hide anything from the most terrifying person in the world. Aye! Mamah answer.

Yes... Mother, Mother, Mamih, Umi, Mboke, and so on, the same, lah.

Third, because Mamah diomelin due to daily repetition can be zero, I have to accept that my pocket money will be reduced.

Fourth, because the pocket money is reduced it means I cannot buy my daily needs and save simultaneously. And that means, I have to stop playing PS to save money so I can buy gifts for Mamah's birthday in seven months.

Yes, it's a long time, but I'm just a student who only gets income from pocket money. Because it was 9th grade Junior High so I was banned from making and selling comics again.

"Ah, it feels like everything has gone awry because of my habit of not sleeping at night. Hopefully, I meet someone who can quickly find my disease."

Well, of all the things I've explained, surely you know what I'm feeling. Sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment, hate, and all the emotions that flail into one. Forcing me to keep shedding tears of regret.

And with the rain I can take refuge from the questions of the people, with the rain I can lie to the universe, with the rain I give up all my despair, with the rain I hear a soft voice from it.

I was shocked after feeling no more water stubs wetting the body. I looked up at my head, and there was an umbrella over my head. I see who the owner is.

I flinched "She, she's the girl who's always late for Try Out!" heart exclaims.

"Your heart may hurt, but your body may not be taken" he said, handing over the umbrella, and then left with his other umbrella.

"Where does he know?" My heart is back together.

It is from this that the seed of love appears. It made me obsessed to get to know her more, to repay her kindness by giving her everything she needed, to make her smile, to make her happy, to get her heart and love, to get her, and to die for her.

🌹🌹🌹

iii

Still in a closed position, I began to feel tears coming out and crossing my cheeks. I opened my eyelids, trying to look at the roof with a watery look.

"Lutfi, really go. He is no longer with me. Why'd he leave? What's wrong?"

Tears are dripping more than ever before. The ceiling, the walls of the room, and the pedestal; everything was moving crazier than before. And my breathing got heavier and my chest hurt as I tried to breathe air.

Suddenly I heard the ringing of my smartphone behind the noise of water hitting the roofs of houses. In helplessness I tried to grab it with great difficulty. But, I failed. I collapsed and lost consciousness with the rain.