Loving Yourself

The Fucked Heart

I try to maintain my standing position. Trying to open my eyes wide.

"Anu. I think it's afternoon. Let's go home." Take me to Man and Shin.

I grabbed my backpack and hurried away from the place. I saw very clearly the expression of Shin Ji Joon who was very shocked to see me. He could only silently flinch, with his eyes twinkling.

I stupefied back to walk towards Shin. I dragged his hand to follow me.

"Let's go." Take me without looking at him.

Man followed me from behind. We also headed to the parking lot across the street right next to Shin's Studio Office.

Arriving at the 2nd floor where we parked the car. From the reflection of the car glass, I saw Shin standing right behind me. My hands tightly clasped his hands. Realizing that I also langung take off my ganggan.

I was silent, looking at my shadow.

What if they know who I am. Are we still this close? I murmured in my heart.

My heart felt like it was stopping. It's so hard for me to breathe.

Tit tittie! (beep Open car alarm).

I was shocked by that voice. I saw Man approaching Shin. He patted her on the shoulder and looked at her.

"Oe Shin, we go home first" Man told Shin.

Without further ado, I immediately rushed into the car. I locked the car door, buried my face in my lap. Trying to calm myself down and set my heart rate.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow it's very disturbing. I murmured in my heart.

I don't feel my tears just dripping.

Whahuh? Why me..?

I lifted my face trying to wipe the tears on my cheek. But for some reason, those tears just flowed like a spring. All the things I've been through today. All my cruel behavior. Everything kept glaring in my head.

You idiot, what am I doing, basic, basic, rrrrrr!!! I kept trying to wipe my tears.

My chest tightness, anger, hate, resentment, sadness, all become one. I'm ashamed, I don't deserve it, I'm bad. I really am a monster.

"Yahoooooo!!!" My crying broke instantly.

Why am I crying? Wh why??

I keep trying to wipe my tears.

My chest. What is this exactly?! What's wrong with me. I murmured in my heart.

My tears flowed unstoppably. No matter what Man and Shin are outside the car. I'm fucked up, I can't control myself. I don't even know what I'm doing right now.

I don't want to cry. But these tears I can't stop. My chest is so tight.

Damn they bothering me. Hey, why shut up. You should have helped me. Damn my man's dizzy. Don't let me lose consciousness here. I kept trying to calm myself.

...Watch out if I catch you later! I'm gonna melt you down. Fuck shit!! I need to calm down....

......................

Shin was fixated on noticing Ha Jae who looked strange in the car.

"Eem, I'll go in first. I I have to finish my job." said Shin berlahan to take his eyes off Ha Jae.

"Oh yeah. Take it easy, let him take care of me." said Man.

Shin threw a faint smile and turned away towards the building.

"Oi!" call Man to Shin.

"Emang your girlfriend if PMS rich gini yes?!" tanya Man flat.

"Strougher. Daa," replied Shin waving his hand.

"Curtain! though clearly ... "guman Man.

Man glanced towards Ha Jae. Man holding the doorknob of a car wants to try to get in. He was stunned to undo his intentions. Man took out his cell phone from his pocket and sat squatting next to the car.

......................

Time passed, Shin exited from inside the elevator towards the parking lot.

"Hey, are you still here?" greet Shin to Man.

"You go first." Shin told some of the people who went with him to go in the car first.

Man turned his head to look at Shin who was flying towards him. He got up from his seat.

"Oo anu, the car's stuck" replied Man scratching his head.

Shin knew that was just an excuse. He walked closer to the car. Shin bent his body to look more clearly into the car. Find out if Ha Jae is still inside.

"Ohhh he's sleeping?" said Shin turned to look at Man.

"What?! Sleep??" startled Man.

"Ah shit! This boy!!" sergeant Man.

He walked to the left of the car, bent his body and knocked on the car's glass door.

"Woyyy boy!! tangi!!" (Woyyy boy!! wake up), man.

Man tries to shake the car so that Ha Jae who is asleep in it immediately wakes up.

"Kowe passed out opow turu hee?? Tang!!" (You fainted what's sleeping anyway?? Wake up!) cerocos Man is still trying to wake Ha jae up.

......................

I flinched when I felt my body shaken.

"The earthquake!! Earthquake huh?!"

I looked to my left and realized I was still in the car. From outside the car, I saw Man trying to shake the car with an upset face.

I finally know why the car got shaken. I sighed throwing it in to win myself over. My heart jerked like it was about to fall off.

I looked to the right side. There was Shin standing there watching me.

"Huh?"

"If so, I left first, I've been waiting" Pamit Shin hurried off to a car.

"Oh yeah, be careful on the road." said Man.

I could only be silent as Shin slowly disappeared from my sight.

Clamps! (car door is open).

"Woy!" man's Decree.

I moved from my seat to my right. Give the driver seat to Man. My gaze was still occasionally fixed in the direction Shin left. Our car was walking away. I remained still fixated not changing my outlook.

Silence filled the atmosphere in the car. Not a word was said by Man. I yawn occasionally because I still feel very sleepy.

"Man, you're replacing me tomorrow?!" my word.

"I have business with Mr. Yokada tomorrow." I said.

I breathed out a sigh to bring it out. Trying to close my eyes, wishing I could go back to sleep and forget everything that happened. I opened my eyes to remember one thing.

"Who are they?!" ask me to Man.

"Sopow?!" (Who?!) ask Man.

"What's your relationship with that brand? You know them?!" my many.

"Wes ra legit on piker. Cecungok-cecungok kae, gen I take care of. Ora sah ngregeti your hand ghor gho ngurus rat" (Udah not to think. Those rascals, let me take care of them. No need to dirty your hands just to take care of rats) said Man.

"I don't like being played the most. You know?!" my hardik. "You still don't know much about Mr. Yokada. If you try to play me, my own hands will make you punish you."

"I know. I know who you are. I know what I need to do now. You just calm down. Don't repeat." said Man glancing at me.

"Doi, afraid of tauk." sedu Man whispered closer to me.

I just kept shaking a little.

I know, Shin must have been very surprised by what I did earlier. I don't know what he thinks of me after this. My head is so dizzy.

I tried to see my phone. I saw a message notification from Shin.

...(message Shin Ji Joon)...

...----------------...

^^^"Besok, at 6 am I pick you up at home. We have to leave early in the morning in order to get a lot of information from the citizens"^^

...----------------...

I remember, tomorrow is Saturday. I have an appointment with Shin for a citizen interview for our product.

...(message Shin Ji Joon)...

...----------------...

"Sorry Mr. Shin,"

"What if it's Sunday?!"

"Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital."

...----------------...

I breathed it out. I was confused as to what attitude I should show Shin, if we meet later. I was embarrassed and felt bad. I, the more unfit I am to be friends with him.

Before long, my message was replied by Shin.

...(message Shin Ji Joon)...

...Choi Ha Jae - Shin Ji Joon...

...----------------...

^^^"Doctor?! Who's sick?"^^^

"No. No one is sick."

"I just don't feel well."

^^^"Are you okay?"^^^

^^^"All right then. Tomorrow the day after tomorrow we'll interview for the product."^^^

"Thank you sir."

^^^"May you be okay."^^^

"It's okay. I'm fine."

"Thank you Do'anya. Sorry before."

^^^"Yes,"^^^

^^^"Be careful on the road,"^^^

"Thank you very much, sir,"

...----------------...

I hung up my phone, glancing towards Man who looked busy driving.

The crane! (message notification sounds)

...(message Shin Ji Joon)...

...----------------...

^^^"Sama-sama. Always take care of your health."^^^

...----------------...

I flinch at reading that message. I ignored the message, put my phone in my pocket on my shirt

...****************...