Love Without But

First meet

***

My advice, it is better to quickly tell Kak Iwan whatever the risk, which is clear his heart will feel more broken if he finds out after this marriage happens."

"If not, let me contact Kak Iwan?" he offered help through his idea.

"Ja .. no, Ra, don't let Kak Iwan receive this news from others, even if it's from lo, my own close friend. Let me tell you right away." I'm trying to prevent Lyra's proposal.

"Surely able?" ledek Lyra glanced at me with the tail of her eyes.

"Yes, I'll try."

***

Coming home from Lyra's place. I'm bracing myself to contact Brother Iwan. Try as hard as possible to talk to him directly even if only by phone.

"Haloo ... Assalamualaikum, how, tumben called first, what's up Neng Dhinil? kangen huh, same Sister Iwan?" sumringah. Makes me instantly silent a thousand languages.

How could I possibly give him news beyond his expectations. When things are fine and I am confident that I will continue to be faithful in waiting for him.

"Haloo ... kok, asked instead of silence?" I asked without suspicion.

Try as hard as I can to keep my tears from breaking. But in vain .. clear grains begin to glide freely from the corner of the eye. As I sobbed I started talking.

"I'm sorry, just wanted to let you know that the next four days Dihinil will hold a marriage contract with Mas Agung. Four days ago Mas Agung and his family came to propose and was immediately accepted by Abah and Mother, even immediately sought his H day at that time." I'm trying hard to say it.

Silence ... no voice response whatsoever from the telephone connection there. Before long it faintly sounded like the voice of the person who was holding back a cry. Just like me who is currently holding back a hard-to-read taste.

"Yes, matiin first the phone, yes, later Kak Iwan call again," he said. End a phone call. My crying broke instantly.

I could feel how devastated and hurt he was right now, unable to say a word, and chose to hang up the phone. I knew she was crying there too. 

***

Three days before the H. After I called and told Kak Iwan that I was getting married on Friday. His cell phone number has since become unreachable. Every time I call him, the operator answers. I started to get so moody like I was losing my spirit. My time is used more by confining myself in the room.

After everything goes and there is only one more stage to the halal bond that I have been waiting for. But why doubt and worry suddenly burst into the chest. This heart becomes heavy and feels guilty to Kak Iwan. Fearing that the move I would take would incise a deep wound in the heart of the man of santri status.

In solitude, my memory floated a moment before receiving a proposal from Mas Agung. I had time to contact Kak Iwan to ask for certainty from him.

"There is a man who will come to the house to bring his family," I said at the time to Kak Iwan by telephone.

"You proposed, asked permission from Mother and Abah to make Dihinil his wife."

"Kak Iwan fully trust Dhinil to be able to provide the best answer for the man who will apply for Dhinil. Because Kak Iwan believes Dhinil himself can see and feel who is more sincere." He also gave a response.

Maybe in his heart Kak Iwan was too sure and believed that I would reject every proposal from other men like previous times. He was too confident that I would always be faithful waiting for him until he himself felt ready to propose to me later.

"But, Dhinil asks that Kak Iwan can come to the house, convincing Mother and Abah that Kak Iwan is serious. Let Mother and Abah have a reason to reject another man who will come to propose" I suggested at the time hopeful.

"Not that Kak Iwan does not want to, Dhin, but know for yourself now Kak Iwan is again the process of doing the ritual for the graduation requirements of the pesantren. So I can't go far from around the cottage. But, Kak Iwan promised the next three months after Kak Iwan was declared graduated and already boyong will definitely invite both parents and extended family to propose to Dhinil," he assured.

"Emang can not be cultivated, so, Kak Iwan come first to the house just leave the engagement ring until later Kak Iwan ready to propose to Dhinil?" I don't despair of pressing him.

"Ma'af, Dhin, Brother Iwan can't yet."

"Owh, now Dhinil just knew that all this time Kak Iwan did not have the intention to make Dihinil as a companion to life, right?" prustasi.

"No. It's not so, Dhin .... "

"Enough, Brother! It should not be explained again, now Dhinil is very familiar with the intentions of Kak Iwan." I cut his words.

I felt that all the talk I had told him was meaningless. Without coming up with a conclusion that is in line with what I had hoped for so far. I wish he would propose to me right then and there before another man would come. Because it cannot be lied to and denied that this little heart still expects him who will later become my priest. Not another man.

However, my efforts have not borne fruit. Kak Iwan is still firmly fixed with his stance and prefers to focus on his boarding world until he graduates.

The phone connection was cut off by me right then without making small talk and saying goodbye first. I can't stand the inner turmoil and the disappointment in the man I've been expecting all along.

I finally became more convinced and determined to accept the application from Mas Agung that I knew through the intermediary of his sister Ifa Kak Iwan. I don't care anymore about the feelings of the two sisters if after they know that I will marry a man who was once engaged and became a prospective husband Ifa. What's wrong, if I accept a man who is really ready to prove his seriousness by directly proposing and justifying the woman of his choice.

My determination was unanimous to give up the single period with the charismatic Javanese man.

***

My daydreams instantly crumbled as I caught the sound of someone knocking on the door slowly. With a swift wipe both cheeks from earlier left flooded by clear liquid that plunges free from eye fertilizers. This heart always feels sore and disappointed every time you remember the conversation with Kak Iwan.

I slowly lowered my foot from the top of the bed and then swung my step towards the door and opened it. Determine who is behind the door.

Seriate