I REPLY TO MY HUSBAND'S AFFAIR

Chapter 67. Bayu's Regret

Bayu POV

Regret, always come late, until lamenting fate can not change what has already happened. Buntu, even to wake up to open my eyes to see the sun tomorrow even if I can no longer knit my day.

If men deserved to roar and roll over shouting pain, I might have done it a long time ago. In this instant, forced to rent a narrow boarding room alone, I was only friends with lizards and cockroaches, without anyone accompanying me slumped in the corner of a thin mattress and estranged from my family. This boarding room is in a settlement not far from the housing where Hani lives. I deliberately searched this area so that it wouldn't be so far from my mother.

The night is late, even almost before morning, but my eyes have not been closed. My mind was claustrophobic, filled with many complexities that hit me. Not yet I can recapture the hearts of Hani and my son, now increasing the difficulties of my life, I lost my job and all the assets I have.

If Dini never had to know in my life, maybe now I am still sound asleep hugging Hani. I was twenty years old when I did the work of Nista with that woman. What I thought was simple at that age actually brings deep regret in the present. /A regret that never goes away until any time, maybe even until I die.

Now, I'm stuck on the street without a private vehicle anymore, having to swallow the difficulty of getting a decent job. My bad image after being dismissed as the accused of embezzlement of corporate money, scuttle my way of working again in a towering office building.

No friends believed in me anymore, they squinted when I asked for help sharing work. One fortune I still have, a kind-hearted Hani still wants to help me take care of my mother.

In the corner of my cramped room, piled with piles of cardboard containing important items belonging to my mother and small family, all I had chosen to keep when our house was sold. I stared at the boxes with a sore heart. I don't know, when will be bought again a house with its contents for me and mother stay later.

I am a useless child, giving grief to the heart of the mother by taking away a beautiful house full of memories. I am also a selfless husband, avenging Hani's devotion by wishing him to indulge in the seduction of forbidden desires. That regret continues to resonate in the recesses of my heart.

The night wind was getting colder through the big wind hole above the window, finally able to make me hug the sunyinya night waiting soundly.

Sometimes when I wake up in this narrow room, I still stare in disbelief here is where I currently live. Losing all the comforts of life made me feel completely forgotten by God. It seems like God deliberately punished for my past sins, as well as my despicable actions towards Hani. Reaping the fruits of my nistak in the world alone is as sad as it feels, and then how heavy the punishment will be in the hereafter. After thinking about sin, I rubbed my face while breathing heavily.

This morning as usual must be patient alternating the bathroom with the other hostess residents, I curled up in the corner of the bed thinking about what I could start doing today to get back on my feet even though I had a hard time bearing this disaster.

For days I have been slumped without despair, not knowing where to start the makeup of my life, which has already fallen apart leaving no luck and happiness.

Only the shadow of my mother, Hani, and my son still strengthens me to continue to breathe through this bleak day. Sometimes, every time I want to run to Hani's residence if I can bear the shame, but I have no face anymore

"Yud, there's a job in your division, isn't there? I'm nagging again," I asked Yudi, I met him at the branch office of his multinational company this morning.

"Sorry, Bayu. Nothing yet," answered my friend in the office building next to mine with a hostile look like before.

Lunglai, I left the building while looking at the sturdy Superindo building next door, where I worked first.

All my life's troubles are only because of Dini. I think I'd like to curse that vile woman if I find her later. It just disappeared. After I left the house, I called her repeatedly but there was no answer. Even the message I sent was not answered. Seems like he wants to make me crumble and desperate without being able to reach him.

On the way, there was a desire to meet Julio and accept a job offer from him in the past. However, my self-worth is soaring that I don't want to admit the ruin of my life.

The longing for my mother, Hani and my son often took my steps walking staggered by observing Hani's house from afar at night. I wanted to step inside and have a conversation with Fahmi, but I didn't feel worthy to be the special father he was.

I got off the city bus, walked through the crowds of street vendors, looking for a business idea opportunity for me to follow. Hungry and thirsty no longer felt, the shadow of Hani dancing makes me excited to continue swinging legs far and tired.

From morning until almost dusk came, I stepped not knowing the direction. Occasionally stop by the tavern when thirst is unbearable, then sizzle footsteps after the city bus to get to my cramped boarding room again.

Back in the evening, bringing the lonely wound again. I don't know how long my life has been derailed by spirit, without despair and seemed to want to end the story of my life if I don't remember the heat of hell fire. Yes, I have many sins. There's no good I can remember as I met the angel of death.

"Mas Bayu." A call and a knock on the door sounded as I curled up trying to fall asleep.

I hurriedly opened the door that creaked loudly as the gap gave me space to see who was looking for me. I saw a young man who I forgot his name, he lived two rooms beside me. We were acquainted when I was just coming, but my troubled mind gave me no strong memory of his name.

"Yes, Mum? What's up, huh?"

"Mas Bayu is looking for work, huh? I have vacancies but not his salary. It is enough to eat just like a hostel. But later if it has been appointed employees can still add money to eat."

"Where's it working, Mas?" my question was pounding, curiosity stirred with fear if it was the kind of rough work I was not used to touching.

"The janitor of the building, Mas."

"What area of the building?"

"Near the promontory plaza there, a little far from here. But later we can go both bonkers." The man explained patiently.

"But what's troublesome Mas ... Who is it, huh? I'm sorry I forgot his name."

I scratched my head wrong. Actually I still need to think about taking that job offer. Being a building janitor, I can imagine what kind of work it was because I often saw them in the Superindo building first. My God, why is your punishment this bad? What if in that building someone recognizes me maybe? Wanna put where my face is ...

"I'm Hilmi, Mas. How is it accepted? I haven't offered it to any other friend who needs a job."

I'm sculpting. Holding the door restlessly. Is there no other way for me to connect with life than to do a job far from my profession first? I took a heavy breath, weighing indeterminate