I'm Santri?

Self Conscious

Yesterday it began to look clear the rays of his fight. The night signs are coming soon. The rain that fell an hour ago is getting tired of watering the world. Now it was dark night enveloped a handful of atmosphere. With him he came carrying a cold, silent wind.

My mother started to move, after eight days at home. Things like this reappear. It was quiet and there was nothing I could talk to. Even though Bi Ina was already here, and she forgave me. But still, it can't cover my loneliness. Moreover, I have to hear news that I should either be happy or sad.

During Saeful's tahlil event, Sasha's father told me, Sasha is now accepted into the Az-Alive school, a special school of Qur'an and tahfidz studies.

Sasha received a scholarship thanks to her extensive knowledge, plus her Quran reading is tartil and good to hear. Naturally, Sasha was accepted on a full scholarship until graduation.

And I'm here, clearly moody looking face in front of the mirror. Showing a confused heart scent harbors a thousand maternity words. No words, no intangible sentences, nor is it a sair. He asked me, is this my day? Is this just magic?

Perfection should be the melting pot of shortcomings.

But not for today. I got kicked out of school, the nights I spent partying, the drugs are now in my brain and soul. Goodness with all the sources I should have. But not today. The light of reason can at least erase stupidity. But not today. Where is my day really? Why not greet my heart? Why not rebuke my mind? Would she say that I regret it there?

I'm so dark. I can't see anything. Just lying weakly in the blackness of a room that was claustrophobic with wishful sheets. At that moment I felt dead in my life. I just keep enjoying it and keep enjoying it. In the end, I was removed from the existence of many humans.

Then, when I thought to death, there was a single white dot within me that greeted me subtly. The white dot seemed to whisper me and gave me many offers of passage. I was confused how much to take. Because in my imagination only goodness appears. Or I should run it all. Although I am self-aware, like I can no longer drink water with my right hand, aka it is difficult to do good. Whatever I am, compulsion drives me. It is not because there is a small pearl that can make another great, that is, intention.

I must walk on the same branch whose roots are lonely and sad. But I think it's disgusting. How not, I have to be someone else when I exist. I have to pretend to talk to other people, I have to pretend to talk to other people, I have to pretend to be happy. If that's what I do, where am I? But this is the path I should have taken. I know it's so dirty and slovenly. For the sake of this noise, I'll run.

The clock is running fast. I don't think I should be like this. Become someone else and deceive yourself. Should I sit down and be me? Am I not that I am more disgusted than I am that I am not? I even died in my life. Isn't it very dark and thick?

Confused piled up in my head. It filled my subconscious and my mind. All made my head become claustrophobic unable to hold. I'm fucked, I'm broken, I'm bad, I'm broken, I'm not me. It's so dark. When is this endless, or is it not endless?

"Yahoo!" My screams are loud noiseless.

"Oh yeah, I still have God. I forgot."