For the Love of

7

We are having dinner together now. Zayn and Aksa have their own plates in the sense that they can already eat themselves. Since childhood, I have used them to be independent. In any case it is.

Unlike Nat, he is still too small to eat alone. I was feeding.

Since last day until now it has entered at night, Mas Aji has not come home or even told me even though he only sent a single word message. Maybe the man was with his mistress. Comforting and persuading Cynthia to stay with him.

"Mother, the food's falling apart." Zayn's voice broke my daydream.

Sure enough, I saw Nat's food was everywhere. Get out of his place. The reason for that was because he used to play with his hands.

I closed my eyes for a moment. Because of daydreaming about the incident in the mall, so do not focus like this.

Zayn looked at me softly. As the greatest child, he is certainly the most sensitive of my other children. I'm sure that Zayn has been thinking about what I've been through lately. Moreover, he often sees me daydreaming or even crying.

"Mother why?" Exactly as I thought. Zayn asked as well.

I smiled at him. "Mother is okay, baby. Let's continue eating, Mother finish the food had Adek first."

As I was about to stand up, Zayn prevented.

"Aren't you helping, Bun?"

"No need, brother. Let Mother aja. You should continue eating."

"So, I'm done eating it. Can, right?" Zayn keukeuh wants to help me. Various persuasions he said. If he was seducing like this, he was very, very similar to his father.

If so, I can refuse. Then let him help me.

After dinner, my kids play back until 9 p.m. When they are tired, they rest.

I also took a rest. Prefer to sleep alone with your little one.

For a long time I was closed, until then my sleep was disturbed because there was a swab in the head.

I blinked, looking at who did it. Ah, apparently that damn guy. The fucking guy who happens to be my husband.

His hand that was still on top of his head I removed it quite roughly. I sat down later.

"Darling .." call him sad.

Can I hate hearing him call you, baby?

I refused to look, so tired of it.

"Sorry, dear ..."

I snorted cynically hearing it. "I'm sorry? Why should I apologize? Did you make a mistake?"

Mas Aji tried to hold. Instinctively, my body rejected it.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

I began to dare to look at him after I heard his somewhat quivering voice.

His face looks wrinkled. There was a seething look in his eyes. His forehead was clearly imprinted with a few wrinkles.

"I'm sorry" he said again.

I took a long breath. Maybe this is a good time to talk about or even end it all. "Let's talk."

I got up, walked towards the backyard. Mas Aji followed.

Now, the two of us have been sitting in the garden chair where we used to always use to chat. The difference this time we chatted in a tense situation.

"Where, Mas? Cynthiamu's fine, right after that?"

I break the silence.

Mas Aji bowed listlessly. His fingers then clasped my fingers.

I took a long breath. "I've known it all for a long time."

Mas Aji was surprised.

"I know about your affair. I even know all the chats you guys send me often. I also know which hotels you've been to, I know that, Mas!" Breath hunting.

"I'm sorry dear, I'm very happy." That's all he said.

"What am I really lacking, Mom? Until you can do all this" I said softly. "Am I not serving you well? Do I feel less affection for you? Is my love less for you? Please say, Mas. Where is my less? Where's my fault?" I started sobbing.

Mas Aji was silent.

"Over these 6 months, I have withstood all my words so as not to say that I already know. All emotions, I try to get dim. My pain was never ignored. You know why? Because I'm sure you're gonna change." It was so sad when I said this.

Mas, if only you weren't this big ...

"I even stopped working, burying my dreams just to be filial with you. I would have to live far away from Father Mother just to stay with you. But it feels like everything seems pointless now, Mas." I get so excited I said it.

Mas Aji started crying.

"I have often reminded you gently, in order to keep our commitments. Did you promise to be faithful? But in fact you chose disbelief and adultery with other women."

I paused for a moment. Only the sound of Mas Aji's sobbing was clearly heard.

"Luckily there are children who can maintain my sanity. Because if I didn't, I would've left."

"Sorry, darling ..."

"Of all the patients you love, only one makes me suffer. That's when you ignore the children and choose your mistress." Netraku. Sighing rough breaths, trying to banish the feeling of tightness.

"Every time they ask about you. Every time they remember you. Every time I try to give them a good explanation. So they don't judge her badly about her father."

Mas Aji is getting sobbing. He's sitting on the floor. With fingers still clasping and a head falling on my lap.

"They ... They miss you. Them ..." My speech stammered. "They miss playing with you, Mom."

"Even after each prayer, Zayn and Aksa always pray, he said that he would always be healthy so that he could play forever with them. With me, Mas. I always pray that you will come to your senses soon. Hope you can come back to us. May the Wrestling of God protect you and love you even though you have committed adultery dozens of times."

"Sorry ... Sorry, sorry, Mom."

We both fell silent. Only the sound of stuffing each other sounded simple.

"It hurts so bad. Pain ..."

"Why do you do all this, my dear?" I looked straight ahead.

"Mas khilaf's. Love you, baby. I'm sorry, Mas."

"It's not just hard to love children an explanation, to my parents too. Mom and Dad call every day, talk about their grandchildren. About you too. They always ask, am I happy here?"

"Of course I lied, telling them I'm really happy here. I'm happy because you've always treated me like a queen in this house. I always make you look good in front of Mom and Dad. Just to keep them calm." Remembering Father and Mother who were far away there, I sobbed again.

"If they knew the truth, what would you and I do? They'll tell me to get out of your life. They are certainly not willing, the child he has raised with great difficulty must live on suffering. You are willing to work desperately, to be willing to sell land and rice fields so that I can go to college. So that I can be equal to you!"

"But now it seems futile. Father's struggle in return wounds to you."

I took another breath. "If you couldn't live with me in the first place, why should you choose me as the wife and mother of your children?"

"Mas love you, Mas love you. There's no reason why I picked you, baby," she sounded stern.

I look at him softly. "Then, what's the reason you're having an affair if you love me?"

"Mas just ..."

He did not continue his sentence. Quiet enough.

I sighed again, then then, "Please take Cynthia home tomorrow, Mas. We're talking."