Flavour Bias

Hugged Silence

That morning I left the residence of Om Hasa's parents. Escape is not my habit, but there is no harm in finding my own calm, because I also need time to be alone.

The tightness in my chest made me unable to enjoy the air this morning. The dew and mist in my eyes made my eyes blur, many times I fell between the slippery roads, even so, I continued walking combing the tea plantation.

Slowly I saw a light that made the sky a little brighter, so I could see the green land stretching along the road where I stood. Beautiful, but it doesn't make my mood better. Since last night I've wanted to be angry, but I can't. Now I can be angry, but there is no opponent to fight because it is nothing, I have lost.

I passed some people who were about to go into the garden carrying a large basket on their back. While I was like a sick person who was lamenting fate.

No one can define my feelings this morning. Ever since last night I felt like I couldn't hold my own life. I lost my chance to make a choice. If I can be honest, this is not the path I want to go. I'd rather lose a lot of possessions, live poor and starve because at least I can still fight for my own life.

I had gone too far, not realizing I was somewhere with a beautiful view. I was upstream of the river with clear water and the atmosphere felt so cold. Maybe I was in crocodile captivity? I don't know if my clear existence here reminds me of one incident.

In the past, Papa would always make sure we didn't go hungry. Papa will also grant whatever I ask. He always said I was his favorite son.

“Pa, if Papa knew what was happening to Icha right now what would Papa do? I muttered as I continued walking. “If this marriage is not Icha's will, will Papa still force Icha to marry?”

The bitterness made me remember Papa more and more. Once one day before my twelfth birthday, I was sick enough to have hospitalization for two weeks more. At that time Papa said, if I am healed, whatever I want Papa will grant.

I was stupid at that time, instead asked Papa to bring Kak Iyash at my birthday party later.

Papa said it was impossible, because at that time Kak Iyash was in school in Surabaya and was preparing for the graduation exam. But the way I am, I insist on not eating. Finally Mama said that Papa went to Surabaya to meet Kak Iyash.

At that time I felt good not to play. I thought it was a beautiful thing, but now it's the worst thing to remember.

The time I was waiting for arrived. The party I wanted to make as lively as possible, everyone was invited to the event and Iyash's sister came with a gift. His body was not so strong now. He's just a skinny guy who just grew up.

The pink satin ribbons were the pair of dresses I wore at the time. And I was surprised that the man kept the ribbon in his backpack. The splattered blood on the end of the ribbon was the blood that came out of my nose ten years ago.

At that time we held a game, no idea from whom, obviously I had to close my eyes to get the prize I wanted. We did not find anything that could close my eyes, finally Kak Iyash said, “Just use the tape.”

Mama agreed and immediately removed the ribbon from my waist, then used to cover my eyes, the end of the ribbon dangled to the shoulder and ended up on my chest.

Everyone stood in a circle and held their respective gifts. I still remember when my body was spinning my head felt throbbing pain. I kind of stopped breathing and the instant the fresh blood came out of my nose was so much that it even soiled my dress. Since then every look at the fresh blood that poured out made my head throb pain, my chest tight and ears felt buzzing.

I was rushed to the hospital and I got treatment again. It was my worst party, since then I didn't need any party to celebrate my most important birthday.

Years passed and I saw her at Ashilla's wedding. Sitting alone enjoying the party. I was about to greet him, however, he accidentally got up and immediately turned around, his movement was so fast that accidentally my coffee spilled into his blazer.

“Sorry,” I said in a panic.

Iyash's brother was angry and pointed at his dirty blazer.

“Iya-iya. I'm sorry, Brother,” I said in a panic while cleaning his suit. However, he squealed until he made me gasp.

“Kak?”

I looked at his stern face and highlighted his sharp eyes. Although her appearance changed, but I still remember that she was indeed Sister Iyash.

“Indeed I'm Your Brother?” tanyanya.

“Iya, Mas,” sahutku nervous.

“Cih.” He looks at me cynically. “I will not forget tonight,” he said annoyed as he pointed at my face.

The night after coming home from the show, I couldn't sleep and kept thinking about it. Until later on Monday morning, I saw him sitting in the Director's chair and interviewing me.

I thought by saying my name, she'd remember, but she didn't. Did I change so much that he couldn't recognize me. That morning her sentence completely dropped me and I could no longer tolerate it. He forgot me, so I didn't remember him either, so I pretended not to know him and I think I made it until Om Hasa re-introduced us. However, he acted cold as if I had never been in his memory. I was like a stranger he had just met.

Om Hasa said he had an accident until part of his memory was lost. At first I believed it, but when I saw my ribbon tucked away in his backpack, I wasn't sure he had forgotten it.

Now all that's useless. He started his own way and I'll end it all my own way.

Maybe it was very far I walked to follow where the river flowed, until finally I was on top of the waterfall. The fall of water from above was welcomed by a group of friends.

I took a breath, then jumped from above. My body seemed to float for a few seconds before finally falling into the deep water, a moment of silence like it had just hugged me. I quickly swam up and I took as much oxygen. I'm not afraid to die, but in the water I just found something that won.

For a moment I might not be able to think, but when I was in the water and I looked up at the sky among the trees, I realized that the power of God did not only reach here. God gave me trouble because God knew I could solve my own problems.