
"Why should it be like this?"
Deefa's eyeballs shook with a pool of water that was ready to slide back flowing down her face which had been powerless to delay the loss of her heart which should have been very hurt knowing her destiny as a woman however still has to accept lies from her husband under the pretext of protecting her.
"Why does it have to be like this, Mom!?" Deefa again voiced with a slightly elevated intonation not intended to snap just that she wanted her husband to immediately explain to her.
"You're lying" added the woman who now stands face to face with her husband, her face raised to be able to look at her husband's neutrality which has since focused on the paper in Deefa's hands.
The man must have memorized what paper is now held by his beloved wife, without needing to be made clear he already knew that his wife had read the results of the examination and knew the lie made his mouth tightly clenched as if there was an invisible glue that made him stick firmly.
"Mas!" Deefa realized her husband who had not responded earlier.
"I had to Deef, what do you think I should do other than lie? my dead-end brain couldn't imagine if you knew and ended up walking away from me, I couldn't even believe that you'd stay by my side when you found out you were in trouble," clearly Raffan with a weak voice as if he did not have the strength to speak said what he feared was really a creepy shadow for him.
By the nature of his wife, of course, he knows what path his wife will take when she knows the truth she is not perfect as a woman, which woman will remain calm when unable to perfect her household with the presence of children? although this is indeed the destiny that has been outlined by the Khaliq but still his wife is an ordinary human who will become fragile helpless when it will be under pressure from her mother-in-law.
"I don't care about the offspring, I don't care if we'll be alone all my life I don't care what people say, I don't care what Deef does, don't care!" the sound of Raffan is very high makes the room that was covered by sudden silence so it feels crowded with heated air even though the air conditioner is on.
"Then what about mom? you say like that what not to think about the feelings of mother, what not to care about the wishes of mother, do not be selfish who only think about yourself without thinking about the feelings of others, especially your birth mother," Deefa said, hearing her husband's confession really she felt confused how to, how to, on the one hand his heart felt touched and there was a glimmer of happiness but on the other he could not imagine what kind of disappointment a mother would have when the only child he hoped would be able to give a successor to the family they instead choose to stick with women who can not realize their dreams.
Raffan screeched and smiled grimly at the statement from the woman in front of him, the woman who should not even be hurt a fingernail even sided with her mother, denying everything he said about his life plan was very ready when the Khaliq really did not give him offspring.
"Then what about me? how's your husband feeling? don't you realize that you are selfish too, thinking about your feelings thinking about your mother but even if you don't think about your own husband's feelings, is that fair? do you think that's fair? are you more than selfish? you think highly of others while your own husband you don't care!" Raffan jerks until he can no longer control himself until he robs the paper in Deefa's hands violently and then stretches it out before his wife.
"So you want me to tell Mom about this, right? you want me to know that you're the one with the problem, that's what you want?" Raffan looked at her with reddened eyes, of course even though he was a man if he was already in such a heart-wrenching condition he would be fragile he could not possibly hide the sadness when the woman he was trying to protect was even on purpose pushing him down the nestapa gorge.
"I'll tell mom and we'll see what she can do when she finds out all this, you must be happy to see me remarry right?" Raffan quipped Deefa who was now falling sitting on the edge of the bed when her legs seemed unable to support her own body.
Indeed Raffan could not bear but since then his wife seemed to sue and blame him, accusing him of selfish when he only wanted to make Deefa his only wife and forever, forever, if it was like this he as a man felt his pride hurt feeling his sacrifice when the woman he defended as if not to be defended.
Since his wife had talked a lot, talking about things that he did not want to hear or know, really this time he was very disappointed.
"Your attitude shows that you don't want me to defend," Raffan said, staring at the woman who had her head down, no longer making a sound.
The man now heard the sound of crying from his wife, the crying voice that had been restrained and only let out tears now filled the pitiful room in his ear made him sigh and squat in front of his wife.
"This is our household, we who live only the two of us will also feel what our household will be like, other people will only interfere for a moment without knowing how our real life is, they have no right to enter into it." said Raffan clasping the hands of women who are really stubborn.
Women who do not care about their own feelings, women who even think more about the feelings of their mother-in-law rather than herself as a husband should clearly be the one who takes all the decisions in their household, he said, he who takes responsibility for his wife then why his wife even casually speak as if he does not consider him as the head of the family, as a priest.
"Fun others but hurt yourself for what is Deef? we especially you I'm sure won't be happy, I know you won't probably be happy when I remarry to fulfill mom's wishes, so I beg you not to torture yourself and me either, I'm tormented even more tormented than you." Raffan continued to talk trying to remind his wife of the pain they would feel later if they continued to question the offspring.
"Mother will definitely be very disappointed Mas, I can't bear it." Deefa's voice sounded soft.
Raffan let go of the hand of the woman who was still stubbornly talking about her mother, still thinking about her mother like not listening to what she had said since, was his wife deaf or did not think about her?
"Astaghfirullahaladzim, Deefa!" exclaiming frustration felt his words were in vain.
The man stood staring intently with eyes that now showed dislike when his ears were still being presented by the words that were contrary to him.
Raffan nodded even though Deefa did not give an answer she already understood, "i'll follow your will, I'll really tell mom!" raffan exclaimed and then left the woman who could no longer hold back the sobs.
Raffan stepped down the steps, not that he did not care about his wife's cries but that he had lost his patience with the attitude of the woman he loved, really do not understand how his wife could even behave like this to him, but he knew that the woman also loved him very much, they loved each other but why their minds were different.
He wanted to keep the woman but the woman he wanted to defend pushed him away, not that it was very opposite, he struggled but his struggle was broken in a dramatic way.
Get out of the house but do not forget to lock the door even though he does not want any bad people to enter the house because of his carelessness, still very worried about his wife but he also had to calm down in order to think clearly and not be more provoked by emotions when he had to listen to words from his wife who did not want him to hear.
Inside the room Deefa could hear the sound of her husband's car leaving the house, her husband completely abandoned himself with mixed feelings haunting him.
He sobbed until his gaze became indistinct from the uncontrollable tears, "forgive me Mas, I am selfish I am evil not thinking about your feelings," his wail was interrupted by a cry that made his body tremble.
He also realized that he was selfish and evil, but it was really the circumstances that made him like this, she admitted that she loved her husband very much but she also did not want her husband to have no children if he continued with her, now the man can marry again and Deefa will allow her husband to do that even though it is heavy, and she will let him do that, it's heavy but what can he do? he who is troubled must inevitably be ready to accept any conditions later.
In the midst of her crying Deefa eyes Deefa accidentally saw a plate on the table, a white plate with a floral pattern on top of which there is a favorite chocolate martabak brought by her husband.
The neatly arranged martabak on the plate was enough to prove that Raffan wanted to please his wife even if it was just food and it seemed very simple of course Deefa would be very happy if he did not know about the results their examination.
Raffan pulls out his car on the street leading to the garage, his current destination not to his parents' house even though he told Deefa he would tell his mother about them, he just wanted to threaten to make Deefa think that his decision was not right, it would only hurt them.
It's already half an hour, of course, the workshop has closed and his friends must have gone home to each of them, too, but Raffan holds the key to the workshop and of course he will be able to enter even if there are no friends, after all, the workshop is the only place he can go because he is not possible to go to his parents' house, it is impossible to go to his friends' house.
The man turned back on his car engine and stepped on the gas so that the car would walk away from the deserted road.
It was almost morning when Deefa was still awake waiting for her husband who left a few hours ago but did not return, making her stubborn to worry about questioning her husband.
"Maybe stay at Daddy's and Mom's house" Deefa said because last night her husband repeatedly told her he would tell her about the actual results.
Actually, Deefa could not deny the pain that hit but she really could not bear to see her husband had no offspring, blame his nature is too good to make him not think about himself, he said, he is more concerned with the happiness of others than his happiness.
Raffan felt the same way as Deefa, all night he did not sleep continuously awake in the workshop which fortunately provides one room that is usually used as their place to rest in the workshop.
The man's body was stretched out on the floor mattress with both eyes staring at the ceiling of the room, and, his brain was so scared that he actually really wanted to go berserk venting anger but he was still trying to hold it still trying to control emotions so as not to overflow uncontrollably.
He is not the Raffan who used to be, no longer Raffan who will do silly actions while being emotional, he said, he's a married man who wants to change for the better but when he feels disappointed will he still be a good Raffan? would he be able to guarantee himself that he would not dissolve into unstable emotions.
"Astaghfirullahaladzim," Raffan beristighfar in the middle of the mind that raged and changed his sleeping position to be sideways holding his head with one hand and then trying to close his eyes but in fact he still could not.
After finishing the morning prayer Raffan prayed to the Khaliq for the good of his household, begging him not to be separated from the woman who had changed him, making him much better, he said, wishing his Lord would be kind enough to grant his prayers so much.
Without a clear circle falling soaked the prayer mat she was sitting on, the tears she shed signified the deep and middle sadness she felt as a man and husband, she said, the tears that he had endured had finally spilled uncontrollably, let him be a crybaby for now, let him indulge in complaining to his Lord who must have heard every word spoken or not.
Finished with prayers and cries that have been a little relieved, a little relieve the tightness in his chest, Raffan also moved from his seat and folded the prayer mat neatly and kept it in its original place.
Today he did not want to do any activities at all, his body seemed to have no spirit and his soul as if to support him not to do moving from where he is now.
****