High School Autobiography

CHAPTER 8: FIHAN AND ERIL'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

         The world doesn't know who my mother is, and it doesn't matter, but to me, she's the woman who inspires me, I don't give up on science as much as I can, making small things worthwhile is hard, until I get confused about my own feelings.

My mother was the perfect woman, every question, which contained ambiguity, and, as well as a question of science, she knew the answer, to the point that I wondered how her brain could store so much science, so much science, even whatever I ask, it must be given immediately, silly I rarely ask, even I never ask to buy new clothes, I just want to always be near mother, I just want to always be close to mother, peeking at the scent of her jasmine flowers and pinched with anxiety because I was cute like a turtle, that alone was enough for me.

And now I just need to reveal myself, act like I should, even though all humans spit on me I still act like I should.

But in fact my tears fell, knowing I could not reveal myself.

But, nothing is in vain, precisely that way, I can give the impression in the minds of everyone, school or work with full earnestness.

I am Fihan, a quiet, haughty boy who now sees my death tragically, I am also a lonely Eril under his new blanket.

I became the one defending Zeni, when Master Sukada accused everything of being bad, I was the one defending the ignorance of my friends, and Eril only symbolized the turmoil of my lonely anger.

I won't let my friend kill herself just because she broke up with her boyfriend, but if she can't be given the spirit of life anymore, then let me kill her.

Teacher Kativia, it's too easy for me to make you sad, I take revenge not for Master Sukada's friend, it's just to cover up my reasons to see how far your abilities have progressed, and let's say I am indeed arrogant.

Mother Sieren, there is nothing in vain in life, it's just that mother often rejects reality in front of mother, until it all feels like failure, mother Sieren, I know your suffering more than me, so I let go of my body and my face became the container of your tantrums, you just can't trust the people around you, even Eril was confused by your attitude.

My beloved grandmother, even I'm not very familiar with you, even though you're always there when I need you, I still don't like you, so, let me go in my place, and Eril takes my place.

Sazan, for your cancer, I could have healed him, but your soul rejected him, because indeed your death is an obligation, but calm down, Eril will help you to face your death.

Eril, Ustaz Alkan was my friend, when we were in Junior High School we studied together to become a hafiz, then when his parents' high school opened a boarding school, and we rarely met, so, so, actually I was a little surprised when you were going to be betrothed to him.

Eril when Junior High we used to do a game, that if the flowers we carry the same color, that means, we are paired, but, if the flowers we carry are different colors, that is, if the flowers we carry are different, then we will be friends forever, you know, if before that I check your carry bag, see what flowers you carry, then, I take flowers of the same color from my bag, throwing away the inappropriate flowers, then when the time comes, I come to you and our Lily flower the same, dating since childhood is a thing that may be boring, but, unique, and fun, it is, but you take it as a game, the beautiful thing is that I take it seriously.

Farka, I don't like stupidity, and hate laziness, I see you as a charismatic person who is able to make everyone like you, even you are a very kind and generous person, but I'm the only one who doesn't like you, I don't like you somehow, maybe because your kindness leads to stupidity, or maybe you're still innocent, we're not familiar either, but, I want to be your friend, although sometimes I never appreciate the title of class president you hold, I respect you as a good human being.

And when I met Erilia's parents, I told them.

“I will marry my father's daughter and mother, to perfect my life.”

They refused, with dozens of sentences berkilah which ends want men to be moral good, and understand religious science.

So I proved that I am a hafiz, even I proved my understanding of religion.

“Why don't you marry the widows there? Don't they need you more?”

Eril's parents tried to corner me.

“I only lust and love your daughter, and only Eril love me.”

I replied with a little explanation.

“Love and lust can change, there is no sure guarantee, that you will still lead our daughter on the right path.”

Mama Eril cornered me, they were trying to test my beliefs.

“But, there is not one man in this world who has a guarantee that his women will continue to follow his men, because each individual has a different way of determining his own true path.”

I refuted but not finished.

”Keep then, why should we trust you?“

Papa insinuates.

”I have science, that's the guarantee, and I know what makes Eril happy and I know how to make Eril happy.“

I spoke confidently and completed my initial explanation.

”Huge confidence in you yes.“

Mama Eril praised me but it was more about insinuating me.

”Hehehe ..“

Something made me tickle.

”Loh ... what's funny.“

Mama Eril was curious about my strange attitude.

”I don't know what love is, nor do I know how to love women properly.“

So I tell you the reason.

Mama Eril was astonished by my expression.

”I am sure, because Eril is always happy when he sees me, he will smile if I smile, he can laugh if I laugh, he will follow whatever I ask, he will follow whatever I ask, I think that love is submissive and submissive for no reason, emerging from the soul and the working system of the brain, which only arises because there is something special, between the lust and the heart that accepts it.“

I began to think about the form of my feelings that was difficult for me to see.

”But, pleasure is not happiness.“

His father refuted my initial sentence.

”Happy is my business, and happiness is my business, my mother once told me, there used to be the story of two lovers who went into the forest, they ran away from this world, they, because the world only gives disappointment and sadness, they want to move to another realm, because the world is full of falsehood, so they start standing under a pine tree with two hands joined together, they were ready to face death, then ten days later, the woman died first, but the man stood still, swearing to follow in eternity with his woman, so three days later the man caught up with the woman, they could be together in eternity without being broken without sadness, then I asked my mother 'what does that mean?' My mother replied 'firmness of heart, pure faith without the interference of other desires, then you will find a straight path to your hope.'“

But I explained my reasons.

”But you are not in the story, this real world is not a delusion.“

Mama Eril criticized my story without knowing what it really meant.

“Indeed not, therefore figurative, because trust cannot be proven logically, but can be felt by the heart and every individual has the right to choose according to common sense, because my mother once said, I will say, constancy of heart and conduct are the goals we believe in.”

And I deny Mama Eril's understanding and explain it.

“Well, keep the same marriage relationship what ..?”

Mama Eril probing felt strange.

“If you want proof, then let me marry Eril, because however a proof will appear if there is a cause for effect, that is where trust can be proven.”

I refused, and both of Eril's parents believed in me, they let their son be married to me but, they believed in me not because of my words, but rather because I am a hafiz, as well as the owner of the pesantren, that's where I first realized that I belonged to Eril completely.

My father and my mother were gone, I was an orphan, and a gang was looking for me to get their grudge back on my family, I bought a gun, with the intention of protecting myself, but Eril will take the gun out of my hand, I just need to make sure he doesn't shoot himself, that's how my death went, and I can't avoid it, because that day forgetfulness will be the cause, systematically and physically, I could account for every natural occurrence, but less accurately, so I used my spiritual side to determine the momentum of every atom or energy I could change, to have my soul unify in mensi without space and time, with the aim of seeing my future, but dear, it is true that I will be killed, there is no way out of destiny, everything is dark and secret, even the whole nervous system and the cells in my body have given me a sign of death. But one thing is for sure, death is a secret, no one knows it, except, it is revealed to the person he loves, precisely the lucky person.

And according to my mother, I could not see the age, but the mystery of God's will was displayed, and my mother always asked me to remain in the law, because that was the only thing that could save me from a creature called the devil.

But my heart is still not ready, and my soul is always not satisfied, I do want to be free from this world, free from all kinds of rules of the causal system, he said, but I always wondered who I really was.

As the wind swerved down into my mind, I saw Eril who was covered in pain, crying over me, then he ran towards his family, ran towards my grandmother, he tried to pack his clothes, to escape from his life.

“Eril, you are not that weak, take my diary, and read it.”

The energy reached Eril's brain nerve, made him enter my room, he searched my diary, which I told him about the book a month ago, he grabbed it in my backpack, Eril cried as hard as he knew my writing.

He hurriedly put his book in his bag, and in the rain he stepped towards the class president, in order to show us the truth we had.

However, when Eril had given us our book, he went to the bridge instead intending to commit suicide.

“Don't be weak like that! I don't have any weak and give up friends, run back, chase your dreams blocked by me, lift your feet from that place!”

My energy touches Eril's psyche, she runs to Sieren's mother's house, says everything, and Sieren's mother gives her a place to stay so Eril can calm her soul.

“Set your soul Erilia! And go face your harsh reality, open your eyes! This is not how you face it! Death and unintentionality are commonplace.”

..................................................................................

And here I am, Erilia, too stupid to love her, desiring to have her, the lessons of her life are over, my togetherness is over, but my life continues.

Fihan is my teacher, he is my friend, and he is my future husband, now, he is teaching me to let go of the most precious thing, to make my cry have to be hastily erased, for him to know, I've given it all up.

Fihan never forced me to be what he wanted me to be, I was always myself, and all the things I asked him, then he would answer them exactly, natural science, science, social science, or spiritual science, he can explain it until I look dumbfounded by his knowledge, sometimes I think, he should go to college, not school, even he should be a teacher.

His arrogance, that's the bad side, I hate him too, but unfortunately I like all that is in Fihan, I don't know why I love him too much.

And, I went back home, back to my life, the reason was simple, I followed what Fihan wrote in his book, until I realized, that he was always with me, that he loved me even when he didn't say it, he loved me even though he didn't show me, Fuhan didn't know how to love and didn't know how to love a human being, he was a person who didn't understand himself, a person who was more inclined to logic, for all causes of effect there must be form and reason.

There's no human being like Fihan, if there were, maybe I'd just love Fihan anyway, because my first love was my true love, but my soul mate with him was over, so, so, just a memory as a sign of our togetherness.

I stood up to continue my life, I failed to be able to always be with him until graduating from school, I was just a passing friend of Fihan, Fihan had indeed predicted all this, with the aim that I could easily let go. 

But, I will continue to survive, I will find a life that is more advanced than my life now, maybe impossible, not even Fihan demanded it, but, instead, I will be the honorable woman that Fihan once said, even if necessary, I will continue the struggle of Fihan, revealing myself like the mother.

I, the ordinary girl, am not a special girl, but, I am privileged by Fihan, because I am Erilia, the one I love is the one I love.

Note: many sentences are deleted, some of the explanations are not deceived between too difficult to understand, or the preparation of the words is a bit confusing.