Fear Aida
A Statement
This situation is not pleasant for Rachel, I know that. Rachel deliberately brought me here to calm my mind, comfort and please me but I really couldn't enjoy it in the least. The series of events that I have experienced really makes it difficult to adapt to start a normal life like people in general, I always feel people are eyeing my life. I didn't even touch the food that was served to me since, these eyes were getting more and more alert to look at the people around me.
It was supposed to be for a couple who had once loved each other to meet again after eight years apart and without news this was a joy for Rachel and me, but it didn't happen because I was dragging Rachel back into my troubles. Nothing has changed from Rachel's attitude towards me, she's still the woman who always tries to be my nanny as long as I'm her partner.
"Hey Lee..." Rachel's voice broke my daydream, I saw Rachel waving her hand in front of my face. I fell deeply into my own negative thoughts, I felt that the further I left my sanity.
"All right?" ask Rachel who understands my situation
"Well, where were we?" I asked him back, I knew this was a stupid answer coming from me that would definitely disappoint him.
"Hmm... I thought you'd love to come back to this place, where we first dated. do you remember?" said Rachel who returned to want to melt the atmosphere
"Ooh yeah of course. In this place too I asked you to be my girlfriend, I remember all those wonderful memories but right now I'm a little tired" I replied with a sigh, I'm trying to end this meal together so I don't let Rachel down any more.
"Hmm... Did you? I'm sorry I can't understand your current condition" Rachel said that as if she didn't understand me
"I'm sorry, I had an unpleasant incident on my way here. These days I've been through something really hard" I tried to explain to Rachel that this awkwardness wasn't her fault, I managed my breath well and tried to calm myself down so I could tell Rachel what I wanted.
"Ooh yeah, what is that?" rachel asked curiously
I was actually ready to tell her the events I had been going through all this time, but when my heart was ready to start telling me back then I heard my phone in my pants pocket ring. I turned my gaze to look at the screen of the phone I just took out of my pants pocket, when I saw Mr. Simon calling me.
"Hello Mr. Simon" I said with good hope as I picked up the phone
"Andrews, sorry I couldn't pick up your phone earlier. I also just got word that you have arrived" Mr. Simon seemed to be in a hurry at that time, there were some sounds also around Mr. Simon from behind our phone
"It's okay, Mr. Simon, I just want to see Aida right away. The officer there asked for my ID card or a duty letter so I could meet him, can I request access from you?" ask Mr. Simon at the time
"I can't currently give you access to that, since the incident that happened to you on the way here I signed a warrant for tightening security in the witness and victim protection building environment" Mr Simon said
"Is there nothing I can do? isn't the purpose I'm here for Aida? if I can't see him like this, what's the point of me coming here?" I am so disappointed to say that to Mr. Simon
"Hahaha.you must rest first Andrews, no need to predict what is not certain to happen. Aida's in a safe place, you're in a safe place and what else worries you?" in a relaxed tone Mr. Simon said it to calm me down
"I know.. So when can I get that access?" my question is to make sure, it's almost exhausted my patience
"Tomorrow I'm free, we'll meet in the building and your access to Aida will be wide open tomorrow. Relax Lah Andrews, calm yourself and rest" replied Mr. Simon with great confidence
"Well, I understand Mr. Simon. Thank you" my chimpanzee, Mr. Simon hung up his phone line and I leaned my body against the chair while exhaling loudly
No one understands if I just need to get to Aida right away and not rest. I'm pretty sure resting won't give me the slightest bit of peace. I was very disappointed with the situation that made it difficult for me at this time, but on the other hand it was this that I had to face when dealing with institutions.
"What's wrong?" asked Rachel who had been watching me while looking at me worriedly
"I can't see him today, there's a security tightening so outside access will be denied all" I explained briefly
"Ooh, too bad.. Then what's your plan?" rachel asked with a face that was like a disappointment, she knew my purpose here was to meet Aida immediately and the empathy Rachel had was very high.
I'm sure my short answer was very disappointing for Rachel who was still showing her concern for me, but everything about Aida still disturbed my composure and was hard for me to get rid of. I was guilty of my attitude this time towards Rachel but I felt that she would understand the situation I was in.
The togetherness I went through with Rachel for almost two years and during that time Rachel was a figure who always understood and helped me, she was the front guard who supported me in my profession as a mental health doctor. Then when I came back with the main goal of meeting Aida, Rachel Pun still gave the same empathy. Meeting him again in unpleasant circumstances made me feel lucky.
"I'll find an inn near the shelter and wait until tomorrow" I replied explaining a little of my plan to Rachel
Food that I have not touched since I was too over thinking finally I was greedy to run out so that I could start what I had planned, but when I saw Rachel was done with her meal, she was seen looking for something in her handbag.
"You're going?" I asked a little curious because of Rachel's behavior
"Why not stay in your old house?" ask her with a smile
Well in the end I remembered what key it was, it was the key to my house that I once lived in when I was still Dr. Lee in the capital. A house with a minimalist mid-European design style right on the edge of the highway that is not too far from where I worked first in the witness and victim protection commission, which is located in the city, but it's been a long time since I left the house and I don't know what the house is now.
"I've left that place a long time ago, I'm not sure it's still worth living" I explained, enjoying a delicious dessert.
"I've been taking care of your house all the time, it's still clean and it's worth living in. This is your house key, remember?" with a big smile Rachel told me.
I looked carefully at the key. A carving of the initials "A&R" was beautifully engraved on the key and I very well recognized the key to the house, the key I actually left at home on my run turned out to be very well kept by Rachel.
"So yes..you did not leave me even though I suddenly disappeared.." somewhat muttered to me at that time with regret.
It seems I was wrong to think about Rachel, when I decided to live in the countryside I thought that Rachel must have found her new life in this city but it turns out I was wrong. The woman was still faithful to wait for my arrival it seems that she also cared a lot about all the things I left behind on my escape.
"When you disappeared I really didn't know what to do, I cried every day at my house and took a sabbatical since then. If only you knew, your departure really hurt me" said Rachel, her tone sounding upset to endure her heartache.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." my chimpanzee still mumbled a little with regret and guilt.
"Well that's okay, but what makes me sad now is that you're not coming back for me" Rachel said, saddened and her tone increasingly soft.
"I'm sorry for that and you have no obligation to wait for me to suddenly disappear from you" I said as I looked into Rachel's eyes, but Rachel smiled
"I'll wait until you get back to me, I'll wait for you until the universe itself separates us" said Rachel, who smiled at me.
The mood that I felt had started to improve after the news from Mr. Simon had instantly gone back to chaos again in my mind. Rachel's words made me rethink about my treatment of her and the wordless separation that must have hurt her heart, but her determination left me speechless in a thousand languages. Someone I thought had thrown away a piece of her heart for me, still had the same feeling.
I feel so guilty and no words can say that even an apology will never be enough, I am sure even a thousand words of forgiveness will never be able to erase my guilt to him. Thinking in my mind, I want to leave this place carrying my guilt as soon as possible.
I slowly took my house keys and car keys, stood up from my seat and left Rachel staring at me without a word. I walked out to my car to get back to the house I left, Rachel followed me until I parked the car on the side of the road.
"Thank you for taking my break, see you later" Rachel said that and walked away from me.
I didn't dare to look her in the face even to return her farewell, but somehow I could tell that Rachel was shedding tears. Not that I wanted to ignore her, but I just didn't want her to have any hope of being with me anymore. Everything's been different between me and her, Rachel really deserves a better man than me. His kindness will lead him to meet a responsible man, unlike me who is a coward.
I got into my car and drove her to the house I used to live in, from the outside I saw it was still the way it used to be and it seemed like Rachel was really taking good care of it. After I parked the car on the side of the road right in front of the house, I slowly got out of the car and walked to the entrance and opened the key.
Then somehow arrived - suddenly my heart felt tight and sick, and, rachel's words were heard again and it seemed like they were in my heart to just remember the place where the memories between me and Rachel kept me haunted by guilt. It was thought to leave here but my heart said "No, Rachel would be very disappointed if I wasn't in this house she's taken care of so well"
I braced my heart to open the door and as I expected when I was about to open the door, my picture and Rachel were still hanging at the end of the hallway. These eyes glanced at the photo from a distance and saw how happy and different I was with my current self.
"I've lost my old self, I don't know what kind of person I was, hah... speak to myself again." I muttered as I walked into the house.
After closing the door I walked in deeper than this house, not long before a staircase to the second floor I saw a living room with a piano and a fireplace and a sofa - a well-organized sofa.
"Everything hasn't changed" I murmured, the shadows of myself and Rachel spending the night together in this place were clearly reflected in my subconscious
"If the incident does not happen." I murmured again while banging my head against a wall.
After I was satisfied I hit my head, I walked back to the second floor where my room was. There I went straight to the room and laid my body on the bed while closing my eyes, there was no dust flying even though this body I was pounding strongly on it. It made me even more convinced of Rachel's determination that I would definitely return someday, how could there be such a strong woman when the man she was waiting for was this person like me.
It was thought in my mind to take a nap to rest my body and mind, but something stuck under my pillow made me feel uncomfortable. I tried to figure out what was holding it by sliding the pillow and I found a file with the number 102112,
"What file is this?" ask in my heart
I slowly opened it while watching every word and photo in the file, it was the file of someone named Celline. The rape victim committed by her own father and almost killed for the crime of her father, Celline. Everything went perfectly then like my other patients, statistically Celline's mental health development was so good that all the "that" tragedies happened and changed my life forever.
