Unclear

Depressions

After my mother left, I tried to neutralize my heart which until now still felt tight, sick and empty, but the one I realized and I was grateful for, there were no more cries of the night, no more cries, no more complaints and cries of pain, no more running amok on me, I'm free! no more, changing diapers, no more bathing mom, no more cleaning shit, and no more people I call mom.

After my mother's departure, my father and I moved into my father's house, there were grandmothers there, Cici or aunts, uwak, and many cousins, but I was afraid of them.

Since moving, I cut off contact with my mother's family, either Aunt Diana, om Oky, or Om Herdi and Aunt Ismi.

I'm like a madman now, playing land, water, sand, adventure into rivers, rice fields, like a lost child.

Father's families are all evil, they curse me, they make me feel threatened, they rebuke me.

They are always angry when I do something, dirty clothes, get angry, I eat to be angry, even eat me at the ration, I want to rebel, but I realize who I am, who I am, no one's gonna stand up for me, I've lost my mom, all the album photos are gone, either anywhere, burned or thrown away, I don't know.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts but I have to be able to smile, I'm like always, but actually I want to explode.

I express it all with, a rain shower, practicing kicks, punching lots or bolsters, shouting loudly and anything else that makes me look crazy, but here I am, and they don't know anything about my scrape.

They keep cornering me, getting into my father's debt and his helplessness as a man, the problem here is I know exactly what the money is for, IT'S ALL FOR THE MOTHER'S CONCEPTION FEE. And I always cry remembering this, if only I could retaliate, then I would.

"Don't you empathize a little bit, hug or love me, don't you feel sorry for this poor boy, I'm crazy, crazy, crazy, I lost the only person who loved me sincerely, and no one even hugged me at that moment, neither you nor your father."

A few months passed now I went up to 6th grade with the compulsion of the school, because in all subjects there was only one grade with 7, the other one below that.

The school authorities believe I had a concentration disorder, even my teacher, in fifth grade, yelled at me because I didn't understand anything he explained, it all hurt, I was ridiculed stupidly, I was told, I'm on hardik****, I don't know even if Herdi also said so.

In 6th grade I tried to get up, I couldn't do this.

Every Sunday when Herdi picks me up, Aunt Ismi is the only one who can hug me.

When I was hugged I cried, feeling tight in the chest as if it was gone, my burden collapsed.

"Mill, why cry?"

"Tante, hug Milla again, Milla misses mom, thanks Auntie already wants to hug Milla again, want to wipe Milla's head, they're evil, Milla does not want to go home, Milla wants to be with Aunt."

"mil, it's not that easy, Milla has to say it's Dad."

"Milla won't come back, I don't love Milla."

"Why? how did Milla say that?"

"Yesterday Milla denger, dad wants to be married again, tomorrow his candidate Dateng to the house, Aunt, Milla does not want to have a stepmother."

For a moment all was silent, deserted there was only a hug and sobbing Isaac both.

As Ismi hugs her, Camilla realizes only Ismi is where she can take shelter, not father or the others.

Only Ismi who understands Milla's heart, since childhood Milla was indeed closer to Ismi, Milla always cried when Ismi went without her. Ismi also considers Milla like her son, no different.