This Is Not How It Should Be
Learning to Accept
Al ventured to Rafa's grave. Rafa regrets it's still there, but it might not be what it was.
The sense of not accepting Rafa's death is also still there, but not like before. Now little by little Al accepts it, because he thinks he wants it or not Rafa still can not return.
Al placed a bouquet of white roses on the tombstone. Her tears were dripping but not much. His chest was tight but not as tight as before.
"Assalamualaikum, Brother,. I came, sorry I just came, I was so devastated to lose you, but trust me now I have let you down.. I'll pray for you always." Al's voice was almost inaudible.
"When I may be a little selfish, may I ask God to give you back? Or am I following you? Brother maybe I'm stupid, I'm sorry brother, I really love you" Al could no longer continue his sentence, Al started sobbing.
Al offered prayers for Rafa and left the place where the tears were draining.
***
Today there is Al's control schedule with Doctor Angga, his Mama and Papa forcing to accompany him but Al feels he will be fine.
Tok.dok..
"Come in" sounded faint from within.
"Dok Jiang" said Al gently, actually Al is still awkward with the incident of Doctor Angga who stroked his head at that time.
"Hai Al, here sit" Doctor Angga pointed at the sofa in his room.
And Al obeyed him, Angga's gaze made him ashamed.
Angga immediately shifted his gaze.
Don't make it uncomfortable, the inner Angga then takes a book, perhaps a note to Al.
"Lay Al, make yourself as comfortable as possible" said Angga.
How could it be comfortable if he looked at me like that and again I lay down making more afraid, upset Al in my heart.
But Al kept her body on the sofa and Angga sat by her side slightly keeping a distance fearing Al was uncomfortable.
"Close your eyes and relax" although confused but Al still follow.
"Breathe.. Dispose. It can make you relax" said Angga and followed Al. And true a few times to do it now Al more relaxed.
"Okay, how are you?" ask Angga.
"Well Doc" replied Al with eyes closed.
"What is your relationship with your parents?"
"Well, Mama and Papa are always there for me, supporting what I want to do as long as it's positive"
"Have you got along with your best friend?"
"Lettaa? Well too, although I'm a little jealous because next month she'll be engaged to Naufal"
"Hmm... Why envy?"
"I also want to feel happy with the person I love, but what power he already has" Angga noted what Al felt.
"You also deserve to be happy, you have to live your life, you are young, open your heart to others seems good"
"I don't know, I feel my heart is not interested in love again" the answer from Al made Angga immediately turn to him.
Wow, need this hard struggle, Inner Angga. Ehh..gimhow?
"Your journey is still long, after you graduate college you will work when you will meet many people and many possibilities you to fall in love again, even now for example you meet a lot of people, do you not know maybe you meet your soul mate?"
Al was silent for quite a while, trying to digest Angga's words.
"It's okay if I fall in love? What about Rafa?" lirih Al's. Al is almost manic.
"Al." said Angga holding Al's hand.
"Rafa is happy there, and he will be happy if you are also happy even if he is not the one who will accompany your days, it's not the one you'll see last time before closing your eyes at night and it's not the one you see first when you open your eyes in the morning. But trust me, he'll be happy for you"
Angga's words made Al's heart a little light, imagining Rafa happy for him made him smile a little.
"Do you feel better?" asked Angga very gently, either because he was a psychiatrist or something else.
Al nodded and opened his eyes, then he shifted and sat up straight. His tears melted on his cheeks Al rubbed him and smiled.
"What do you feel now?" ask Angga who did not know the umpteenth time.
"Laper" Al did that.
Angga laughed at Al's reply, this girl is so innocent.
"Yes it's past lunch hour, I haven't eaten either, let me treat. What do you want to eat?" ask Angga who then grabbed the car keys and his phone.
"Ehm, don't do Doc, I go alone" Al was confused what to answer, they were not so close, yes close because of the relationship of the Doctor and the patient only.
"You're rejecting me?" Angga folded his hands in front of his chest.
"Okay, let's eat ramen" Al excitedly replied and directly pulled Angga's hand, making Angga smile a little.
And they ended up here in a ramen restaurant not far from the hospital.
Al looked fine, as if nothing had happened. But for those who know Al is very fragile they will definitely keep Al's mood good.
"Al college leave?" the question he kept since yesterday and finally spoken as well.
"Yes Doc, Papa wants me to get well first. Add more memories of me with Rafa on campus, maybe I want to move campus aja" replied Al sad because he felt he had to leave the campus that has many memories with Rafa.
"First call me Angga just don't use the frills of Dok if it's outside, it's not good to hear" and he laughed, a very sweet laugh.
"second, you forget does not mean you have to throw all the memories with him, may you remember it but within reasonable limits so that you do not return depressed" Al still faithfully listen to Angga.
"This is the Master and the Madam of his order"
"Thank you" they answered simultaneously.
"Geez, my Lord and Lady are very compatible, the handsome and well-established one young and beautiful, may it last. Enjoy it" said the waiter did not know the condition.
Al and Angga freeze, do they like a couple ?
Let it be good, Angga's mind.
Bodies fuck the old man, Inner Al.
And both of them ate with their own thoughts.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and were once again praised by the same waiter.
"Duh sweetness, the new couple is still shy" said the waiter with his friend after Angga and Al walked past him.
Al heard it and held the shame. How could anyone consider them a couple. Yes, although it is indeed a couple, install the Doctor and the Patient.
