Sincerity Love Vishnu
Chapter 119 I Carve History
PoV (Point of View) Yashna
I don't know what I'm gonna do today. Crying or being happy. On the one hand I must not be selfish, too much I asked and expected all this time to him. The shortcomings that I have warned myself to no longer demand them by the standard of perfection. I know it's impossible.
I know a lot of people would call me a stupid woman, I know. There will be many people who say that I am thinking too much about my own life, but do they know that I have spent a lot of time thinking?
When the man was very young, nineteen years old and expressed his feelings for you, and you were twenty-five years old, what were you thinking? Are you going to take it seriously as true love?
Yes, right, I considered his feelings as a joke of children who are in the phase of seeking identity. The turmoil of love in the initial phase of himself shows the world that it has begun to go through the transition from child to teenager and adult.
I watched his life, his fragile and unstable soul. How could I ruin that moment from her? I was young, ever in his position. Having a lot of problems in life, figuring out what my dreams are, what my future is. I once fell in love and had a first love, but it will be destroyed as I get older and the differences are real.
He will be in that moment, find a more interesting life, a young woman he meets later, and start to forget what it feels like to me. So, all I do is prepare everything, if one day he gets bored and says he wants to separate from me because he finds a new taste vibration for other women who are his age.
You know, I was so scared, but I started preparing everything, secretly. I know all that could have happened, falling in love again while you were still in a relationship with an old love that you thought was true.
I'm an adult, not young. Me and her are six years old not far away, but remember she's younger than me. So, that's what I'm doing. Searching for his mistake, to cover my anxiety when it turns out I really fell for him—just like the women around him.
For me, it is not easy to compete with them, the sense of inferiority and not as level as their world becomes a frightening specter if I force myself to keep it in my life. I gave up silently, retreating slowly as she began to get to know the new world I was afraid of, being in there with a new excitement that she did not get when she was with me.
I never blamed her, only me for being weak for loving her. I wanted to let go, but I was still alive by his side and shackled his freedom. Then, when an arrogant and painful voice started coming at me, forcing me to stay away from him, then I made a bitter decision. I will not waste my time and time delaying the separation. Right or wrong.
It's like everything is in zero. I walked slowly, taking a look at the beautiful bride who was walking at my pace. This woman looked happy, she smiled very charming, and managed to hypnotize many of her relatives who came. The wedding procession was simple, as I had intended. It's okay, wasn't Yashna born to be a strong woman?
It's not the first time I've been abandoned, since I was born I felt it. Not only that, I watched three men who entered my life find their true love. Imrandira Shaka, Depe's late husband, loves monkeys that carry a sense of tightness when kept in mind. Vishnu Tama, the husband of the woman who miraculously became my close friend—the person I originally hated and now I am grateful Vishnu became her husband, then Kalandra, this man who managed to make me cry in silence, said Vishnu, more than I ever lost. Am I going to be his wife's best friend later—sama like Depe and Almira?
My chest felt tight, the dress I was wearing now felt too beautiful to wear in grief, so I decided to hang on. I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as the shoes wrapped around my feet were now stepping on the red carpet that extended towards the altar. There the pastor was waiting for us, next to him Alan and Erick looked at us. Waiting for the bride to go through a long journey, reminiscing about the time leading to the gates of new life, welcoming the bridegroom's hand out.
Actually I can't help but stay here, let alone find familiar faces among the invited guests. No, I hate this so much. Almira with her family, Depe with her new boyfriend and son, Isna with Krishna and the son, then my chest tightened when I found a woman with teary eyes now looking at me, the tears were more painful and sliced my body. Honestly, I hate it when I realize being a part of her—she's my mom. My brain started to think hard, did they come to laugh at my life?
I can understand the presence of Vishnu and Isna here, but my mother, what is she here for? If only my task of accompanying the bride had been completed, I would have pulled herself up on stage and questioned her why I should give birth to me in the world? Why not kill me since I was still a piece of lifeless meat if it turns out that my presence does not make him happy. I'm not wrong, but why should I bear his sin. Wh why?
“Please bride forward to the front.”
The voice of the priest broke my daydream, and what I saw today offered a multiplicity of sadness and anger. I also began to dare to look forward, there Erick and Alan stood together. Like twin men and equally charming though I know their anxiety can be felt. One as a bride anxious with the procession and one as a brother touched by letting go of her sister getting married, don't you think?
I took the link of my hand off Julia's arm, and she smiled at me for a moment before finally walking back to the middle to go through the wedding procession. I held my breath, even though I tried to be strong, but I still felt the tightness to plunge into the trough of the heart. I'm not actually ready. I also chose to bow my head, clench my fingers, and listen solemnly.
“Nona Juliana Tanusa, ready to marry and wade through life at home with your future husband?”
“I'm ready.”
“Good. For Mr Erick Adskhan, are you ready to get married and live life with your future wife?”
“I'm ready.”
“Good, procession will start soon.”
Waitaminute! I swallowed the saliva that had dried up since this morning. I was wrong to hear the name I just received. Julia and Erick?
I forced myself to raise my head, still holding my breath when I saw what was plastered before my eyes, just two meters away. Julia was standing face to face with the man who from the first moment appeared I assumed to be Julia's brother.
“What the fuck is this?” my mind has not been able to understand what I see with my own eyes. “Why is that standing in the middle of Erick's altar, not Alan? What really happened?”
I turned my gaze to the figure of the man who was now bowing his head, appearing to be holding back from feeling haru. I'm not sure, but her face and body language imply so.
“For what? Sadness because her boyfriend is married or—”
I gulped again, trying to understand everything. But baby, I didn't find the end either and it felt really frustrating to see all this. Really, it's a joke or something. I can't understand either.
The wedding procession went smoothly until the pastor invited the two legitimate couples to be a couple in front of God to show each other love, throw flowers and I fell silent not to dissolve in happiness. I was fixated on the almost lost consciousness until Alan's hand suddenly grabbed me in the grip. I could only stutter and duck, staring at him bend my knees to then crouch down in front of me. At that moment I also found an answer that made my tears glow.
“Fuck boy,” I whispered it. I shook my head in disbelief after what I've been doing all this time. I feel like I should be angry at her for making me really like a stupid woman.
“Yashna, the woman who since I was nineteen years old, since I knew monkey love and hoped to break people's assumption that first love never works, will you give up your single years to marry me? Right now, right here, in front of family, friends, and God?” he said it firmly and loudly.
“Receive! Accept it! Thank!” Julia's voice with a round of applause, I'm sure it's her. Gave me encouragement and support for this shitty proposal I got from this damn kid. It felt like my legs were limp, my world was like coming back and relieving the tightness that I had from the beginning held firmly.
“Receive! Thank, Yashna! Poor him.”
The applause and shouting to receive this proposal was so deafening. My attention was now fixed on the figure of the man who had not disappeared the anxiety from the look on his face. I also put on a smile of disbelief in his ability to act. I've really been fooled.
“If I reject you?” I whispered quietly, with a voice I can make sure only he hears.
“I will sit here, crouching here until you accept me,” he replied with a pale face, almost his blood was frozen and I began to fear that I would see him faint.
“Come, accept Yashna, or I will kill you if you dare to dump my sister!” julia cried to get a cheer of support from everyone present.
“Yes, God, Alan!” my growling at him.
“Will you be my best friend in navigating home life? I don't need you to turn into a obedient wife who serves a husband, but an equal friend. Mutual requests for rights and obligations, giving and receiving love as husband and wife in marriage. Will, Yashna. You accept this man in your life? Will you marry me?”
“I—” It feels like my lips are mute to answer it. My heart had prepared an answer, but my mouth was too stiff to let out what was inside my head. I was surprised by what happened, how could it possibly change this way?
“Everyone is waiting for you, me too. And don't worry, I'll accept all your decisions wisely even though I wish you'd—”
“I received your application,” cut me fast.
“You ... accept my application?” I saw clearly a bright red hue now implied on his face. His lips were engraved with a sweet smile with a few looks down because he might be embarrassed.
"Yes, I accept," I repeat reassuringly, for myself and for him.
“Thank you, Yashna.” Alan's voice was whispering, but I could still hear it.
“Congratulations to both of you,” said Julia now embracing my body tightly, pulling Alan's hand as soon as the man stood back and faced me.
“I hate you,” I whispered to Julia with a quivering voice holding back tears.
“And I'm annoyed that you took my wedding moment,” replied as she let go and grabbed my cheek with her soft fingers.
“Sorry,” reply me quickly with eyes of regret and he laughs cheerfully.
“Completed by pledging a sacred wedding vows today. I've been preparing for the honeymoon for the four of us.”
“Ap-what!”
“Yes, what do you think Alan has been doing for a few months? He prepared all this with me and I'm proud of him. Now go, meet the candidate half of your soul who is waiting there, ” whispered again make my gaze now turn towards Alan. “She's been working hard,” Julia whispered to me again. I can only be moved too.
“Bettle the bride,” said the priest staring with a smile at me.
I can only laugh at myself. It feels like a dream and what I'm doing is something I've never even imagined in a lifetime.
I stood before her, looking into her beautiful eyes with a dazzling dark brown iris. The description of the smile I always missed rose at the end of her bright lips. His hand grabbed the tip of my finger, pulling up to the limit of his chest. The gaze of the eyes was not also separated until now my heart was damaged because the rhythm was not because.
“Yashna Andara Bumi, will you be friends, friends, wives, mothers of my children. Living in joy and sorrow, accepting the shortcomings and advantages that exist in me ...”
And the day that I thought of as a day of pain, is now turning into a day of gratitude because from now on I am no longer alone. He who I thought of as a passing advertisement in my life show, apparently managed to monopolize the stage and move in to become something I should never let end up just like that. I will hold his hand and I will not let go because half my energy to live is with him.
“Ya, I'm ready.”
***
Dear Dairy, Tuesday December 14, 2021
'I carved history, when I said the word 'willing' in front of the faces I loved, I was convinced that I was opening myself up to enter a new world, not alone but with someone who has decided to share anything with me.'
(Kalandra Tama & Yashna Andara Bumi)
