reversiat
#17
We were both silent on the way home, Nayra played a song to drive away something that was actually still peaking between us. There was a tension floating around making us feel claustrophobic. But strangely we do not want to find a way to reduce this tension.
I waited for the right moment to start, but was confused where to start. I'm sure Nayra feels the same way too, so she might still have a weapon that would make me even more sick.
My hand shrinks the volume of music that feels disturbing “nay. please pause” Nayra lowers the speed and immediately pulled over on the road. “mari we talk” said I got out of the car, lit a cigarette. Nayra caught me plucking a cigarette out of the pack in my hand. I looked at him confused, since when did he smoke?
“you smoke?” I asked slowly as he started picking up the burnt cigarette between my fingers to light his.
“just when stress” says Nayra briefly. I'm trying to ignore something I really don't like because there's something more important now.
“I want us to be honest with each other, no one covered. Please..” I looked at him with all the earnestness I had. Nayra nodded in agreement to my terms.”how do you feel about me now?” I started my part without needing a preface.
Nayra shrugged her shoulders “love..it was too much love until everything hurt every time she saw you” her eyes blurred by tears that she could no longer hide. There was fun for me when I heard the answer, he still has feelings for me. I threw away my cigarette as well as the one in her mouth, pulling Nayra forcefully into my arms.
“do we still have a chance?” I whispered trying to persuade him.
“there are things you can't force Rey.including this relationship” I tightened my arms. Trying to persuade him to choose with me
“we are not too late. to run now”.
“Rey.. we've talked about this before with the consequences that will happen”. Nayra let go of my embrace. “what happened to us first was a mistake that made us have to learn not to repeat it. Not with me, but with Mila now there for you”
Nayra silently let tears flow while looking at me “please don't disappoint him, you survived until now because of the support from him” I shook my head, no this is not true. “let what happened between us be Rey's past.don't hurt her like you hurt me”
“Nayra... I love you. I don't want anything else but you”.
“you also love him Rey.. choose him. For my sake” instantly I feel angry with Nayra, do you want him? She obviously – loves me but doesn't want to be with me.
“you're obviously – is obviously still in love with me. What are you waiting for?”
Nayra tries to regulate her breath “rey. Love doesn't have to be together, right? I've given you up for him who loves you bigger than me” I pulled Nayra in my arms. Stupid jerk..
“that you should know that I have always loved you, and that will not change”
“the thing that will not change as well is that you also have the same feeling as Mila. You can't even decide to choose him or me” we're still hugging for a moment of silence, I know my biggest mistake was not being able to choose between the two of them on one side I wanted to have Nayra but I couldn't have hurt Mila.
“rey.. don't repeat the – mistakes that made our relationship so damaged as before, Mila has been by your side through all the difficult things you encounter. I don't want to be between the two of you. Time will pass as well as the two of us, time will miss everything including our feelings”
“I've always loved you” said I hugged her tightly. It's not the end I'm looking for, I don't want us both to end up like this.
***
I missed the morning in a daze, everything happened quickly and somehow it still felt painful as usual. Nayra has refused to come back with me many times, but I don't know why I've never gotten used to this feeling.
I know I've become selfish for not wanting to let go of him or Mila. As if afraid of being alone when the two of them left me, if Nayra chose me I would let go of Mila and when Nayra refused I still had Mila. How bad I have been to Mila all this time.
Letting it float without clarity will be serious or not. Mila who used to try to make me forget Nayra back from Australia, to make us so close at last Mila told me her feelings for me two years ago. A relationship that lasted longer than my previous relationship – even with Nayra that only lasted a year.
Mila who gives so much attention is different from Nayra who is indifferent not playing, he said, Mila who would be silent when I was angry tried to persuade me in contrast to Nayra who would seek a defense and argue endlessly with me.
And at this moment when I tried to escape with all the busyness that I deliberately made to forget about Nayra, Mila still remained by my side even though there was such a distance between the two of us.
The knock at the door blew me Diana appeared with breathless – breath like she had just run away
“pak.. Mila's mother fainted” I quickly stood up then headed for Mila's room, from information Diana they still lay her on the sofa
“Mila..” I opened the door in panic. Then back to relief because it turns out he has realized. “you are okay – what?” I immediately sat next to him who had just sipped a glass of water.
“maybe I exhausted” Mila said with a smile taking my hand then put on her cheek to make me realize that her weight is now shrinking a little.
“you've eaten?” I started to worry about his weight
Mila shook her head “late – lately I'm not so tasteful” said Mila held my hand to stay on her cheek.
“rey..” My view now focuses on him “we can start this relationship again right? Fixing our mistake, I am ready to turn into what you want” he said gently seen his eyes save hope. “please love this relationship chance”
Let go of my hand and then hold her. There's no turning back now, I know this isn't what I wanted deep down, but Nayra has a point. I once failed because with all kinds of reasons with him, but I do not have to do the same with Mila back to being a male – men who always break his feelings at will.
“I'm sorry” I said while releasing my hug with Mila “some time I became busy myself” said I was trying to comfort her, Mila nodded happily and kissed me.
***
Without feeling like Rena's wedding day is just another day, my parents' once quiet house is now crowded with families who come to help cook and another –. Rena wants her marriage contract to be held at home and choose a hotel for the reception. I was also busy taking care of everything including discussing with my uncle because he would be the guardian who married my sister.
Seen several teams from the company Nayra decorating rooms, marriage certificates and some parts of the house. Nayra who was there also seemed to avoid me. I knew she was trying to keep her distance, so I was determined to mend my relationship with Mila.
I was eating when Nayra pulled up the chair near me, sat down while holding her head, one of her team approached to give her a headache reliever.
“are you okay?” I finally started the conversation because I was a little worried that she might get back sick like before.
“migraine..” said Nayra then took medicine “like I had to go to my grandmother's house for a short rest” Nayra immediately stood up and fell instantly making everything nearby move quickly including me who immediately released the equipment eating and trying to lift his body brought into my room, one – only place he can use rest, because mother and Reza's room is used by relatives who stay, because the family room is staying, while Rena's room is being decorated.
“nay.. nayra” I keep calling his name while asking people – people take eucalyptus oil to make him more aware faster. Nayra started moving around while I kept calling her name trying to get her to focus on my voice.
“oh **.I fainted again yah” I looked at him in wonder because he seemed to have gotten used to this situation.
“Is it true you are just exhausted?” I pulled his hand and felt his pulse.
“low blood pressure” said Nayra sat down with a pillow against her
“istview first here well.” Nayra who began to be aware of the circumstances surrounding him now sees me with was – was.
“isn't this your room?” ask Nayra who I answered with my nod. “is it okay?! How about your girlfriend come here?” Nayra tried to stand up but I immediately restrained her.
“there's a more reasonable reason that he saw you here. Your situation is more important”
“but Rey.. “ Nayra who was still trying to fight it finally received a flick of my finger on her forehead.
“hard head, stone head, likes to fight” I said looking - find the right term for his behavior who likes to start a debate with me “nothing but – but. rest.. if you can stand new you can go to your grandmother's house” Nayra finally nodded in agreement with my offer just now.
“I don't stubbornly know” Nayra said as she pulled the blanket back lying down
“iya.. Nayra is a sweet and obedient child” said I made her laugh, obviously – two words are very opposite to her behavior that really likes to argue anything I say.
I was still sitting watching Nayra who was starting to fall back asleep, could not stand me stroking her hair which turned out to be green. Makes me laugh instantly with his sometimes eccentric behavior.
Half an hour later I went back to check on the state of Nayra that I left for the break and now began to sleep restlessly, she looked sweaty, I lowered my air conditioner temperature, my room ac, before long he woke up sitting covered his mouth with his hands looking at me who was standing on the doorstep
“mual” said Nayra rushed out of the room to the bathroom and failed, she vomited in front of the bathroom because she could no longer hold it. My mother who also saw the incident immediately gave me a towel because her clothes were now partially exposed to vomit. Told me to bring her to the room so I could change clothes and I didn't forget to ask one of my cousins to make porridge.
“rey I can borrow Rena” clothes said Nayra who from earlier refused the treatment of mother because she felt bad and asked to be delivered to her grandmother's house only. But just like me, mom also refused because she had to be right – right rest, mother also believes that at home her grandmother no one can take care of her because her grandmother was going to stay at home aunt Nayra who was in a fairly distant area.
“or anterin aja Rey.my house is not so far” Nayra still has not stopped persuading. I immediately took him to the room “Rey.. “ I snorted because I was getting impatient to face this head insist.
“Nay.. You can go to your grandmother's house or your house, if you rest first. Poor them for cooking porridge for you. Nay.. can understand what I mean and mom, right? Please.. rest and eat first.I'll take you home later.but please rest first, you already look pale Nay” limply Nayra nodded following me into the room.
I opened the closet and immediately pulled the shirt that was there, I actually wanted to lend Rena's clothes, but so it was remembered that she was being pinned. So I decided to give you my shirt.
“Rey.. is that right?!” Nayra's eyes were watching a necklace with a crescent moon hanging in the closet. The necklace he returned along with the books he sought for my script.The necklace is always a reminder that the relationship we had was so beautiful, so beautiful, and I always wanted to return it as beautiful as it used to be. All we can do is love each other.
I'm calling my head a sign. Nayra asked me to leave the room so she could change clothes. I was standing outside when Nayra opened the door and whispered in my ear.
“can I have the necklace?” nayra said in my ear and I fell silent and then turned upset that she had come out of her place again
“by.. as long as you rest” my offer is immediately greeted with a big smile. I beckoned with my eyes glancing towards the room, Nayra who was now aware she was outside went back into the room and immediately rested.
Nayra fell asleep after a while, I realized that my phone was left in the room again and saw that she was already looking light from her previous sleep. And now I sit next to him who is fast asleep it took his hand and kissed his fingers slowly so as not to be surprised by this insolent behavior of mine. I stood up to leave him.
My chest felt tight instantly, there was a pain that I could not explain when I saw it. God, I love this woman in my head. A woman who obviously doesn't want me back in her life.
The woman who changed my – days since I first saw her, made every moment I passed so memorable because she was always in my head as if – would follow wherever I went, as if knowing my little secret. The woman who is the reason why I want to live a decent life, wants to be a man who is worthy not in the eyes of everyone, not in the eyes of my parents but in the eyes. I began to realize something, I loved this woman so much that even Mila could not compare with how much I felt about her. God, I made the wrong decision.
***
