KUIKHLAS YOU'RE GONE

Let go of "Nayaku"

"Lesha" my mother-in-law's voice roused me from daydreams. I saw my mother coming along with my two sisters-in-law mas Sugeng and his wife Tita, sister Mirna and her husband's mas arif, I don't know where they know this news from but I'm so grateful and I'm giving me a little strength at least I don't feel alone anymore with this feeling so heavy and making me feel tight in my chest the very sick.

"Son, who is patient, dear, God willing, this is the best for all. You must be legowo, sincere. You're not alone there's your mom, your mom, and your mom who's always there for you"

my mother-in-law said to strengthen me while continuing to stroke and hug my back, not feeling my tears flowing more and more. However true everyone says I must sincerely give up his departure even though it feels very heavy but I must be strong and confident that this is the best that has been outlined by the almighty God azzawazala.

I did not reply, only nodding my head while continuing to close my eyes to ease this turmoil a little. After that, Sugeng mas cleaned up all the administration and management of the body along with the funeral business because it was noon even almost evening then decided the body would be buried and run in the hospital and directly in the buried at the nearest TPU. I'm just going along with this decision, not to argue anyway I'm sure it's best for my fate. My nayaku was taken to a room to bathe and in the cafeteria, I was still transfixed and only tears described how broken my heart was right now, I watched all the processes from them bathing, washing the pale and stiff petite body gently and meticulously, cleaning up all the dirt attached to his tiny body one last time until the end they memorized it, process after process I recorded it in my memory and before the cloth covered his face perfectly I was called by an officer, he said that all the family members were called in to see his face for the last time. I approached her neat body wrapped in a shroud, I looked at her face, my beautiful and petite face for the last time, I wiped my tears so as not to hit her body, I kissed her forehead, her eyes, her nose, his cheeks, his lips and lastly his chin. I whispered my last words to her as a farewell to her

"Ade dear, umi very dear to Ade, but Allah is more affectionate to Ade so Ade went home first to his birth, Insyaa Allah umi sincerely, Ade calm yes there, Ade, Insyaa Allah Umi here will always love and love Ade. Ade will always be in Umi's heart. Umi dear Ade, forever" I retreated back to take turns with the others. I tried to be sincere but may not be able to fully because these tears still continue to drip without being able to hold. God willing, everyone will understand how I am right now, how much of a test I am currently receiving, so crying is one way to express the current state of my heart. Finally, the cloth cover his face was covered and his body was carried by his uncle Sugeng mas as a substitute for his father to the funeral with a car that had been prepared from the hospital. I don't want to bother with the presence or absence of Arya, because it will add to the burden and wound of my heart. After all, no one asked for his existence, because it was all in vain and just wasted energy and made the atmosphere worse.

"Dede who is calm there, Insyaa Allah umi will always remember, please and pray Ade from here, umi dear Ade" I said while sprinkling flowers and rose water in his final resting place.

At the same time, I was brought home by my mother and sister-in-law because it seemed like it was going to rain. I was sent home to their contract, and they forced me to stay with them for a while, but I don't want to be in my house just to calm down and wait for Arya to come home, and finally they allowed it and Mirna's tea promised them to look after me.

Tired of birth and my mind at this time, I just want to be alone at this time, contemplating and silent to be able to makharge my soul and body that feels empty and empty. I can't explain how my current condition is that I want to just be quiet, alone and contemplating everything that's happening, that's all. Smoga I'm strong and can go through and get through all this, Bismillah..