After He's gone

thirty-two sharing the wound

Alana's father left after giving the good news or bad. He didn't want to make things worse by staying there. Guilt still bothered him. He really did not know before that the person who made him return to find hope for Ananta's normal life was Ananta's own friend. But that hope is also gone now. Leave him who returned to work hard to check the condition of ER patients and potential data on existing heart donors.

It is sad indeed, when there is no technology that can save donors and patients in the case of heart disease. They can only hope that a special condition patient is allowed to donate his heart to a long-term patient like Ananta. Although the miracle he had expected never happened before. Ananta had waited all his life for this moment without success. But back again, his job was just to try as hard as he could. Fate remains in God's hands, and he believes God has the best destiny for a boy who is like his own son.

...****************...

Alana goes back to eating her cake even though it seems obvious that she is pretending to be okay. He knew everything, from the beginning. Since before his father suggested the procedure for Ananta. Ever since he found out that Arkan was listed as a heart donor he had been prejudiced that the heart was certainly for Ananta. Who else? the other patients he knew had already died one by one. Ananta is the youngest patient, and he knows very well that of course Ananta is in the top queue of donor recipient data thanks to his father.

"Alana." call Ananta who is now holding the cake that he will put in his mouth. She looked straight into Alana's eyes, not knowing what she saw there.

"what? eat the other one! this is mine" Alana said a little angrily. He tried to hide everything, but of course Ananta was definitely the first to realize everything. She pulled Alana's hand down to her lap.

"not that" Ananta said in a serious tone. Can Alana just run away now? He could not bear being looked at so seriously by the boy in front of him.

"then what." asked Alana still trying to pretend. He's not good at lying, just look now he's been like a misbehavior. Making his guilt seem clearer.

"i know, you know everything. About Arkan." Ananta said slowly, holding back the feeling in his chest. Alana was still down, choosing to take her shoes seriously. Oh, there's a lot of stains in there. Forgetit. Now is not the right time to pay attention to this trivial thing.

"About him being the top donor" he continued after holding his breath for a while. It's tough for Ananta, but he also knows it's even harder for Alana to keep him alone. This must have been the cause of Alana crying earlier.

"I'm sorry, again you have to experience this because of me" he said with regret. Every sentence was heavy this time. He should be able to keep laughing and joking, so even if these days were his last days he would not have any regrets. But, he couldn't let those around him do evil things secretly just to save him.

"i.. I'm evil, right?" alana said, the sentence finally came out of her mouth after being buried deeply. Already, Alana could not bear it by pretending anymore. Her heart ached hearing Alana blaming herself like this. Ananta nodded slowly hearing it. But Alana hesitates, Alana herself is not sure Ananta really does not blame her. He kept everything a secret. About Arkan who could have ended up donating his heart to Ananta. About the fact that they could not save both of them if the operation happened.

"it's not your fault Arkan was in an accident. You're not the perpetrator. You're just a hope seeker, and I'm really grateful for that." continued Ananta. I don't know. The more he came here the more like a wise man who grew up. In fact, if given the choice he would rather be a child forever.

"yes?" Ananta said again, expecting an answer from Alana who was still drowning in a gloomy atmosphere.

"if not. later I'm angry." continued Ananta slightly joking, because at the end of his sentence he laughed a little. Although the atmosphere around him was still as serious as before. He's just cheating on things that aren't okay.

"even though I have to die tomorrow I don't want to have any regrets" he said again bringing the atmosphere to be serious with a sentence that he said lightly as if without burden. Alana knows, despite talking so Ananta still has fear. Ananta observed Alana who finally moved a little to punch her chest lightly, so lightly that she only felt Alana's hand clinging to her left chest that was covered in a hospital gown.

"you cannot die" said Alana coldly. He doesn't want Ananta to die, Ananta should know that. He should keep his feelings in check, wishing he could live longer every day. He's survived this far, so don't break his beliefs now.

"i'm actually scared too" Ananta replied. His eyes looked as if he was seeing something. He must have imagined sad things again.

"The first time we met, we put hope in God on a little dandelion feather" said Ananta imagining his childhood in the hospital yard. It was the first time Alana approached him and started the conversation boldly. Alana continued to annoy him with her jokes to make him uncomfortable and finally observed Alana who strangely also attracted his attention. They have been playing together since that day.

"That day I wanted to ask God for a long and meaningful life. And I trust him with everything."

"then God sent you into my life. Reasons for me to live longer. The reason I breathe and keep waking up in the morning." Ananta took a deep breath again and again.

"since that day I just want you to be happy Na." she continued, ending with a deep gaze.

"it's not happy that I live without you. You have to live so that I can stay happy" Alana said.

"then let's be happy in a good way.don't do things you'll regret just because of me." Ananta still looked Alana straight in the eyes. Alana finally nodded. Honestly, he also tormented himself for wishing Arkan bad things for Ananta. So this time he'll agree with Ananta.