Why Different?
Don't Run, Face it
“Gue back first, tomorrow I take dateng here before and after ngantor.” Juan said goodbye after making sure all Moana's needs for the next few hours were met. Stock of mineral water, fruits, isotonic liquids, and many more things he has arranged neatly on the nightstand. His position was also made as safe as possible to make it easier for Moana to take it herself later.
“Thanks, Ju.”
The thank you was only Juan responded with a nod of his head and a thin smile that was more sincere. Arguably, it might be the most heartfelt smile Juan had for Moana for the first time. Please don't forget, their relationship is not as good as it was before.
“Yes, I'm back. Take a good rest, let it heal quickly.”
“Iya, yes. Back there, your body smells asem, do not change clothes from morning.” Moana pushes Juan's body slowly to get away from the patient's bed.
“Gue smelly asem also for your sake, yes.” Juan throbbed, but never stopped laughing short at the end of his sentence. “Kabarin if you need anything. I'll try to stand by.” Reciprocity.
Moana nodded. The smile he had seen since then could no longer be hidden, so he just passed it off. The hell would be seen in the way how that smile was by the man in front of him.
No more conversations were thrown after that. After making sure he did not leave anything—though indeed all he brought was a wallet—Juan rushed away from Moana's nursery after once again saying goodbye.
On the way to the elevator to get down to the lobby, Juan glanced at the clock on his left wrist. The short needle is already close to touching the number 6 while the long needle precisely points at the number 9. Soon—if the schedule does not change—Zahira will go home. And although before this his heart was again crushed when he witnessed the interaction between Zahira and his doctor colleagues, Juan still wants their relationship repaired. There were things he still wanted to know, and the only way to get an answer was to directly ask the concerned—Zahira. Juan himself also believes, Zahira also has a lot of questions that want to be thrown to him.
Waiting for 3 minutes, the elevator door finally opened. He went in there alone after letting the six passengers out first. Inside the elevator, two men (all men) were left and Juan chose to stand far away in the right corner.
From the floor where Moana's nursery was to the lobby floor was actually not far away, only 4 floors adrift. But strangely, Juan felt his journey was so long, as if he were riding a magical train whose final destination was unknown to anyone. No conversation had taken place between the two previous men standing next to each other, while Juan himself was too busy wading through his own mind to realize that the two men were holding hands.
If this was Juananda Saputra whose love affair with Zahira Casanova was doing well, she would have very sincerely judged the scene. However, since this was Juananda Saputra whose head felt almost split in two, she would not comment on anything even though she was aware of the situation.
In the pause when the elevator doors opened and the two men came out simultaneously, Juan took a deep breath. He was greedy to push the oxygen supply around into his lungs, like he was preparing because he knew, taking a breath would not feel this easy later.
The elevator doors opened again on the lobby floor after a few seconds. Juan rushed out with a more determined swing of steps. His mind is still as chaotic as last night—or this morning. However, now, he will try his best and not let emotions regain control.
Seeing Zahira interact quite intensely with her co-worker—the same person she saw last night with Zahira— made Juan realize that she was not ready to lose the woman. No. gabe. Juan will probably never be ready for it.
Breathing out once more, Juan widened the distance of his step swing in order to get to the exit faster. There, he would wait for Zahira so that they could find time to talk.
...🥀🥀🥀...
This day, there wasn't much work that Zahira did. IGD is not as crowded as usual. Inpatient that he had to visit with the doctor also decreased dramatically when compared to the previous day. But strangely enough, Zahira was exhausted. His energy seemed to be drained, and he did not know what exactly made it possible.
“Saturday afternoon tomorrow, are you free?” on the way to the lobby, Zayyan suddenly made a sound.
Zahira looked briefly at the man who was walking right next to her, then looked back. “Until now there are no plans to go anywhere. Why did it come, Mas?” tanyakanya.
“If it's free, I want to get you somewhere.”
Zahira. That answer Zayyan said was fitting once when they arrived at the lobby exit. Making there was a slight pause for Zahira to stop her steps and turn her head once again while waiting for the door to open.
“Where?” tanyakanya.
“There. A place you will like. That's also if you want to make it there with me, anyway.”
Zahira did not immediately refuse, nor carelessly assented. He used the time he had to think while returning to continue.
Realizing that his invitation did not get an answer, Zayyan spoke again. “If you don't want to, it's okay. Don't accept my invitation just because you feel bad for it.”
Coinciding with the moment when Zahira was about to open her mouth to answer, the tail of the woman's eyes had already caught the presence of a figure that was making her restless. For a moment, Zahira thought she had seen wrong. But as he turned his head to see the man's whereabouts more clearly, Zahira knew that it was really Juan. The man stood a few steps ahead of them. His gaze was too difficult for Zahira to read, so he really did not know what was spinning in the man's head when he saw it together with Zayyan at this moment.
Finally, not wanting to muddy the mood and drag Zayyan into his troubles with Juan, Zahira took the initiative to separate from the young doctor next to him a little faster.
“Later I'll tell you again, Mas. I was waiting for it.” Zahira said while giving a code to Zayyan about Juan's whereabouts through the eyes.
Fortunately, Zayyan was quite sensitive. The man nodded quickly, then smiled faintly before distancing himself by taking widened steps to the left side. Although actually, without Juan, he would walk there because that's where he parked his car.
“I think you're home,” Zahira said as soon as she arrived in front of Juan. He said that with a stare that fell on the tangled shirt his girlfriend wore—a sign of how hard the man had worked all day in waiting for another woman. Once satisfied, then he raised his head, staring at the netra of his lover. “Where is Moana? Okay then?”
Regardless of how much jealousy he had, Zahira was still human. He did not want to get rid of humanity just to make room for his selfishness to grow bigger and bigger. After all, he was a doctor. It is unethical if he is still passionate about his own feelings when someone may be in real pain.
“Udah okay.” Still the same as last time this afternoon, Juan's tone of voice sounded flat.
“Good.” Reply Zahira. Then for a few moments after, things went quiet again.
Zahira fled her gaze in the other direction, aiming at the lights across the brightly lit street, glittering from where she was installed which towered high parallel to the shady trees planted around. A gust of wind that comes to greet brings a familiar aroma—aroma rain. In particular, Zahira has no problem whatsoever with the rain and everything that comes with it. But in the moments when his heart is not in a state of good, Zahira hopes that what falls from the sky will not make his condition worse.
“So morning I went to Moana's house to make a car,” with the wind that greeted louder, Juan's voice in the air. Cut the rope of silence that began to stretch wide enough.
It was not new information for Zahira because she had heard it before from Reno, but still, hearing the late confession made the corner of her heart feel like it had been pinched.
“Yesterday Moana pain—“
“And you anterin him home, so Moana's car can be with you.” Zahira. He let out a low breath, then turned to look at Juan who could not be seen. “Why lie?” toodong. A day of self-inflicted, the question finally spilled over as well.
In his place, Juan was silent. Why would he lie? Because if he said it was Moana's car, then he had to tell her more things. About him who not only drove Moana home, but also to wait for the woman until the sun sank. About him and Galih who have a job outside, but he did not return to the office until the deadline has been determined. And many more. Juan had to say a lot of honesty could have triggered a world war, and he didn't want that to happen.
But now, when his lie was exposed to one, Juan realized he had no place to hide.
“How far have you lied to me, Ju?” like a boy who had been promised a new toy, Zahira kept charging. The glare of his wistful eyes made Juan feel the pain dozens of times worse than before. Completely eroded the emotions that Juan maintained since yesterday just because he watched a man help the woman he loved not to fall.
“Sorry,” in the end, Juan can only say softly. Instead of defending himself with a thousand arguments he had in his head, or even counterattacking Zahira with the scene of the woman's fall last night, Juan was silent a thousand languages for minutes after the apology he muttered.
“Chat I sent to you still check one until now. That's the sign, you fucked you from last night. Wh why? I have something wrong with you? Or are you deliberately avoiding me because you're afraid your lies about the car will be caught with me?”
As fast as lightning, Juan raised his head. A loud bob followed after, a sign that none of what Zahira assumed was true.
Not satisfied with just being given a brief skirt without further explanation, Zahira smiled wryly. “If not that, then what? What makes you die in a hape, but before this you never got all the way? Your attitude was also strange during our trip home yesterday, Ju. You don't say anything to me. No matter what my days are. And even worse, you are not anterin I went into the house to say hello to Abi with Umi.” asked Zahira again, his eyes began to fog.
“Light I thought about what was wrong with me to you until you acted like it was to me, Ju. We're just getting better, and I don't think we have any problems, so I'm just trying to convince myself that you might just be exhausted. But the positive thought it feels invalid again when you do not tell me anything, even when I chat you early in the morning, I even found chat I just check one.”
The bunch of sentences slid free from Zahira's lips, along with the descent of one tear drop which was then followed by other drops. Zahira crying. No matter what, they were still at the hospital exit and the passers-by made themselves a spectacle.
“It wasn't even the worst. At the time of chat I still have not reached you, I even found you here, cut another woman while panicking—and it turns out that woman is Moana. If you were in my position, Ju, try to tell me what you would think at that time?”
Again, only an apology can Juan say to his lover. His curiosity about the figure of the man who was with Zahira last night, this afternoon, and a while ago was no longer even left. All he had in his head right now was too deep of a regret.
“If I have something wrong, or something is troubling your mind, tell me, Ju! Tell me let me understand. Let me think, how can I fix what's wrong. Don't think gini. Don't run like a coward, Juananda!”
Juan received several blows that landed on his body with a chest. Unable to withstand the tightness that creeps up to the throat, making him feel suffocated.
“I'm tired, Ju. You always do that. When there is a problem, you always avoid everyone. Once or twice, I might understand. But if you keep believing in this, who will stand it, Juananda? Who will stand being made overthinking continuously like gini? Who?!”
Zahira's sobs are becoming. Fortunately, not many people are around them. Even if there is, they just pass by and do not have the interest to pay more attention to the figure of the woman who cries sobbing.
“Do not like gini, Ju, please.” Contrary to his boisterous sobs, Zahira said in a barely audible voice.
Juan still couldn't say anything. Like he had completely lost his ability to speak and the only thing he could do was to pull Zahira's body, hugging her tightly while rubbing the quivering little back as a calming attempt.
Along with Zahira's cries that got worse and worse, the rainwater point finally spilled. Either because God wanted to disguise Zahira's crying voice so that it wouldn't be heard by more people, or He was just grieving for what His people felt until He also cried in the form of the downpour.
“Sorry, Za.” Juan whispered softly. I don't know if the sound reached Zahira's ears because either the cry or the sound of rain falling is now equally noisy.
Seriate
