The Suffering of the Wife I Divorced

Chapter 2

Amara remember well when Fabian denied the statement of Amara who served his guests without wearing safety? 

In fact, if Fabian only knew how many guests Amara served for five months she became a widow, and he knew very well anyone who was related to wearing security or not.

A chill suddenly spread through Amara's body. In fact, he was a little limp when he came out of that examination room and walked towards the place of medicinal redemption.

Amara thought of the possibility of Fabian who might not believe that she was pregnant with her child. And if it was true what he would have received had he told Fabian, he knew his heart would have been scarred even more.

It feels sick enough to accuse Fabian of stating the possibility of him transmitting syphilis.

 So, Amara did not want to speculate it would add to the long list of pain he might receive from Fabian.

Thinking of the idea left Amara a little confused and scared. Fear of the future of your child if you have to be born without a father. It was enough for Amara to be born without a mother.

However, Amara also did not want to experience more of the following days filled with jealousy that he could not control— because Fabian tended to spend time with Yuanita, his wife. Because Amara knew, what Fabian prioritized was his first wife. 

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"That's right .. It's not wrong for Mom to feel that you're pregnant."

"Why can you be sure about that?"

"Ah, you mah, Neng ... She has three children" said her mother. "From the first time you come to the clay garden tutut— conch rice fields, keep asking dimasakin tutut spicy gravy, fried eel, grilled yam, getuk cassava. Eating star fruit with raw tomatoes, from there you have told your father like you are pregnant. Uh, your dad said the same, suspecting you're pregnant."

Amara smiled shyly at the mother's words after returning home from the health center and reported about her pregnancy.

 Initially, she suspected her father and mother would not be happy to hear the news of the pregnancy, given Amara's current status as a widow.

 However, who would have guessed it turns out they were aware of the pregnancy first, compared to Amara himself.

"What if a pregnant person likes weird, yes, Mom?" amara asked with a small smile.

Her mother was silent for a moment, then grabbed Amara's hand and patted her hands gently on the back.

"It's not really that either. Pas I mengandung third ade-ade you also nothing strange," his mother explained gently. "But, what you wanted yesterday was all your late mother's favorite food while humming you, Neng. So I'm sure you're pregnant."

Amara was stunned to hear the mother's gentle explanation. There's something clogging his throat and making him stumble.

"Emang mother very close to my mother, yes, Mom?" amara asked in a cautious voice.

The mother gulped, then looked pityfully at Amara while stroking her cheek. "Not anymore, Neng. Our house people are stuck still in the old village. In fact, the first person she told you she was pregnant again, was Mom. So I like to be sad when I see you sad again. I'm glad your late mother."

Amara did not know what made her eyes feel spicy seeing the sincerity that radiated from the look of the old woman's eyes. 

He knew that the old woman was not the one who gave birth to him, but Amara was well aware that he did not distinguish affection for her or his own children— although to three older siblings Amara to date still keep a distance on him.

Thinking of her three brothers, she somehow felt pain when her mind was reminded again by one of her sisters who said, 'Mom died because of your worry. You should never have been born!'

And when that sentence felt buzzing in his ears, fear involuntarily began to creep in the recesses of Amara's heart. 

When he heard the doctor say she was pregnant, somehow the news seemed to be an ammunition that made Amara a little excited.

However, now, when thinking about her mother who died after she was born into the world, Amara thought about the possibility that she would experience the same thing as her mother.

What if God took her life after she gave birth to the baby she now has?

In the next instant, the question that suddenly popped up in Amara's head turned into a perspective— of different viewpoints about facing the labor process.

Instead of preparing mentally and joy to welcome her baby from her ex-husband Fabian—, Amara instead feared that it would be a process of her facing the saccharat of death.

Deep in Amara's heart, he knew all creatures would turn to the creator. But so far, what has he prepared to bring home? Hasn't he been just hoarding sin to the mountains?

Amara sighed deeply, trying to control the fear in her heart. The only belief that is imprinted in the heart is that God still gives him a breath until now just to give him a chance to repent.

So, what has he done so far? Has he gone down and bowed down to ask forgiveness from the owner of life for all his insolent conduct?

The last question knocked on the recesses of the heart, awakened and made his heart say, 'Sometimes, Fate feels so cruel and bitter. However, God deliberately breaks a person's heart if he loves humans too much. All that just to make them realize, who should be loved. Lord.'

From that moment on, Amara thought about what she should prepare to welcome childbirth, or face death.

Either because he was too frightened to think of dying on the day of labor, or despair too gnawed at him and made him think there was no happiness for him to meet the future.

So, from that day on, Amara decided to stay home. 

He was busy repairing himself instead of thinking about the baby's father, who wasn't necessarily thinking of him. All day was filled only by the chanting of Tilawatil Qur'an which he had left too long.

At first, she thought and made up her mind to take care of the baby alone, if she gave birth to a baby boy. No matter what his fate would be, he decided not to tell Fabian.

However, after a few weeks later he did the USG while doing the TORCH test, then found out that the baby he contains is female, there is a sense of tightness that seeps in his heart.

Not only was that question now lingering in his mind, but also about how the fate of his daughter would be? If she dies after giving birth, will her daughter get a surrogate mother like she did?

These thoughts succeeded in fertilizing the composition of fear and imagination without edges in Amara's head. 

As her stomach grew, she found herself never calm, even though she knew there was a God who controlled life.

In fact, Amara's fear intensified when the day of labor arrived. Since the age of nine months, Amara decided to live in the residence of her parents.

So, when Amara felt a contraction after the Dhuha prayer on Friday, they took Amara to a midwife not far from the village hall. Amara was still able to walk with her mother and father despite her heavy steps.

And when they reached their destination, the midwife led Amara to lie down in the delivery room.

"New opening two," said the midwife after examining the birth canal on Amara's body with her fingers already wearing latex gloves.

"How long until you're together?" said Amara tensed, sweat had soaked her forehead that she felt a chill on her back. "Not for long?"

The midwife seemed to be aware of Amara's tension. Because he immediately said, "The mother is calm, yes ... Relax, don't panic. If it is still strong, try to walk first on the terrace, let more cepet the opening process."

Amara struggled to control herself to stay calm. He then got up from the bed, the midwife called Amara's mother to accompany him for a walk. However, Amara knew what she was currently facing.

"Which father, Mom?" amara asked as her mother led her out and took a small walk around the terrace.

"So the midwife asked you to change clothes that are more comfortable. Your style is thick, fear is sultry," said his mother calmly. "So, you go home first to take the same negligee a rather short veil."

Amara nodded while biting her lips. He glanced at his mother's face at a glance to seek calmness from the look in her eyes, which never tired to calm her down all this time.

"Mom, I .. fear, " muttered Amara quietly. "Why ... what if me or the baby don't—"

"Hus, eling, Neng ... istighfar," said his mother who knew what Amara was afraid of. "Don't think about it, you'll get lemes. You need a lot of energy now. Relax, huh?"

Amara nodded while sighing long again.

"Wanna have some sweet anget tea? Mom made it, huh?"

Amara shook her head, her lips incessantly chanting the prayers she could read.

"Bu ...," Amara muttered again. "If I'm not of age today, you'd be sorry for me?"

"Miss!" scold his mother carefully. "Mom knows you're scared, but don't overdo it like this, neither is it good. You've been talking about that lately."

"But I sin a lot with father and mother."

"Oh, mother's favorite father," said his mother while rubbing Amara's shoulder. "Not asked also the parents of mah definitely sorry his son, Neng. Yeah, don't talk about that anymore? You want to eat?"

Amara stopped walking, holding on to the waiting chair on the terrace while biting her lips tightly. "My waist is hot, Mom."

And patiently the mother rubbed Amara's back and waist. Then, Amara asked again, "You're wondering if you're sick like this, huh, Mom?"

His mother just smiled, still stroking Amara.

"Pantesan aja my mother died," said Amara Lirih. "Maybe he's too sick after birthin—"

"Neng, don't tell me that," said the mother. "That's just because. Everyone must die, and one disease is not a condition to die, do not have to be old and ageless. Istighfar again, huh? Don't be afraid."

Amara nodded again while chanting dhikr, though her heart was still filled with anxiety and fear.

At that time, a couple had just got off the public transport, walking towards the midwife's house. The husband practically carried his wife walking which seemed to be giving birth as well.

For a moment, Amara saw them walking into the house. Then, unexpectedly, there was pain that pierced Amara's heart. While she was facing this process, she once again did not feel lucky to not have a husband.

Slowly Amara's eyes felt hot, remembering Fabian's treatment when hugging him, rubbing his back gently and attentively.

Then, Amara unconsciously began sobbing for reasons she could not explain.

"Mom" said Amara in the middle of her stuffing. "sick."

"Patience, Neng." His mother rubbed Amara's back. "You want to sit down first?"

Amara did not answer, then clung to her mother's arm.

 Still sobbing, Amara muttered, "Mom, baby I'm a girl. If he is healthy until he grows up, he will need a guardian. If I live a long life, what would he say if he wanted his father?"

His mother breathed a long breath. Understanding Amara's pain is not just due to contractions in her stomach, but obviously many questions are raging in Amara's head.

"Neng, no one knows what will happen in the next second" said the mother wisely. "Don't think too far ahead. That's not your job."