The Love of the Widow

Chapter 28. I'm Without You

Since Randy's departure, I've been writing my grievances on a little blue diary.

Like tonight.

The night I missed him so much.

****Thinking for you is the most painful thing for me.

Only prayer in a long quiet becomes the intermediary of longing that I want to convey.

My days feel so heavy.

Not infrequently I fantasize in daydreams about the past that is so beautiful but too short.

Today is exactly 5 years of our wedding! The day you promised to be the best husband for me.

And you managed to keep it.

Never one day have I missed with regret of marrying you.

I miss you so much..!!

Three months have passed, but this broken feeling still clearly leaves me with a wound.

I'm like the ship lost its captain without you.

Where else am I docked?

I clasped a paper that said our agreement first.

"Proposal of self-application to be your prospective partner. Please sign at the bottom and do not forget the clear name and date today! " you said that Time.

The proposal that I finally received with great happiness.

The proposal that brought me to start a new life with you.

Again, everything is too short.

Now all I have left is my body wrapped in the wound of your loss.

You made me love you so much

I'm hanging my life on you.

Then do not do it with Ease take you from me.

The fragile me can only cry bitterly**.

I saw Ainara waking up from her sleep.

I immediately closed my diary.

"Papa...!! " he cried while crying.

"Nara... Why son?? Nara's a dream? " me ask while hugging him in my arms.

I rubbed his hair.

I pacified.

"Nara miss papa? " tanyaku.

He's nodding.

"Tomorrow morning we will make a pilgrimage to papa's grave! Now let's send a prayer to papa Dad! " my words again.

He nodded back.

We read Surah Al-Fatiha together.

"Yes ALLAH sends greetings to Nara and Mama for Papa huh... Give Papa your best paradise. Forgive all sins, O GOD... Aamij! " i said with a hoarse voice holding back the cry.

"Amijin!! " Say Nara said with her tiny voice.

"we're booby again, boy!! Here mama hugs the little girl mama sholeha!! " i said while bringing him back to sleep in my arms.

I was crying without a sound.

my heart feels so tight.

****

The hardest thing for me right now is the struggle of life without Randy.

I who had stopped working long enough and just relying on the gift of my husband made me confused in managing finances.

My savings are starting to drain.

While I haven't gotten a new job.

I almost feel stressed.

Randy's death dues I actually got from the company where Randy works.

But it'll run out soon if I don't work and keep paying so many bills.

Finally I was very forced to give up my favorite Car and Randy was taken over by leasing because I can no longer afford to pay the installments.

"Mama.. Where do we take our car with us? "asked Nara to me.

"The car is borrowed with Om That was it first, son. Later if mama has a lot of money we change a new car that is better. Nara wants a car of what color? " i said with a wounded heart.

"The red color is my mom! " he said with excitement.

"Aamiya.. Inshaa ALLAH yes son... Pray for your mama for lots of fortune!! " i said again while holding her and hugging her tightly.

"Aamijin! " he said to return my prayers.

I came back crying.

"What shall I do, O GOD!! " i said in my heart.