Scratches of Destiny

Don't Leave Me

Sorry if my steps were so light,

go without looking at you.

Leaving without leaving any good memories that I don't know when I'll be back.

I'm sorry that I have to leave you with a million bad memories that can scratch the taste of grief, also longing.

The traces of my memories with you were once still neatly embedded in the heart.

There is a promise to keep each other.

However, sorry.

If at any time the raindrop continues to flow without pause represents my loneliness, also your sepimu.

Which is accompanied by memories that are always straddling.

Now all that remains is my shadow that may always be in your mind.

 

-Senjafaa

 

•••

Next day.

The morning after I woke up and took a bath, I approached my mother in the living room who was busy folding clothes that had just been taken from the clothesline. My heart felt deeply slashed when I heard her sobbing. I'm sorry, Mother. I kept blaming myself, I failed at being a child. I could never protect my own mother from that crazy man. I'm a useless child, Mother.

Before actually being in front of her, I wiped every trace of my tears. I don't want you to see me sad.

When I was in front of my mother, I grabbed some of the clothesline. Then I helped her fold some clothes.

"Son, you don't know if you come to Riau?" ask my mother with teary eyes.

"No papa, Mom. If that's the best"

as much as possible, I gave her a beautiful smile.

"Tell him (AF), apologize to him, for separating you from the distance. Tell him too, if you two are meant to be together. There will be a time when you will meet and reunite." The eyes that had just glazed over now began to collapse due to the push of tears that could no longer be dammed. I want to hug you, Mother.

To be honest, when those words came from my mother's lips. I wanted to cry, my eyes were already heating up and glazed over. But I have to work hard to look good. I'm sad, I'm worried, I doubt I'm in this position. I'm not sure I can get through it. It's not just parting with him that makes me sad. But there are a lot of reasons for me to be sad.

All my dreams and hopes were lost in the middle of the road. I am a woman who used to want to be a graduate student in Accounting, but now it is just a dream. I was the woman who wanted to be with my best friends until I was gone, not anymore. I was a woman who always dreamed and hoped to continue with her, but now it seems like a dream that was always beautiful is now a bad one.

It's like fate never sided with me.

Everything I have to let go, everything I have to leave for my mother's happiness. I'm sincere.

••

At noon after I prepared, I immediately contacted him as usual. He was the man I was always with, accompanying my grey days. He never left me. He was always there for me, he was the man who always strengthened me when I was down.

Maybe this is the last time I see you, and vice versa. God has determined my destiny, I always wish that I could accept this destiny with a big heart.

On the way to school, not a word was said from my lips or lips. He and I were both silent, dissolving in each other's minds.

Indeed last night before Mom told me about this departure plan, I had already spoken to him (AF). Because I was sure that this was going to happen, and now it's true. This incident will really happen, not just limited to my mind is uncertain and there is no certainty.

Last night I was able to tell him through whatsApp.

"Can I talk?" ask me to start a chat with him.

"Can" he answered

"I'd like to apologize to you before."

"For what?" reply

"I'm sorry if one day or even one day I'll be gone." While typing this sentence, my chest felt tight. Tears are so heavy. It's not that I can't afford to live and face this path of fate. It's just, I'm afraid there will be someone's heart hurt again because of me.

"How do you mean?" tanyanya did not understand.

"Maybe soon I will leave, I will leave my hometown, Surabaya City. I'm gonna go leave everything. I'm sorry I had to leave you too."

"Don't go. Didn't we ever promise to be together whenever and wherever and whatever the circumstances? Now why, you want to go? I know there have been a lot of mistakes I have made. But please, give me a chance. I promise I'll change everything, I'll fix all my mistakes. Please don't go. Wait for me, I will try to make you happy someday. But I'm sorry, if until this second you've never been happy." Evidently.

It seems like he misunderstood the sentence I typed and I sent him.

Not wanting this misunderstanding to get late, I ended up typing something in return chat for him.

"No. That's not what I meant. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to intentionally leave. But this is part of my way of life, I have to go. I'm sorry, I didn't mean I didn't keep my word. It's just destiny. I want my mom to be happy, I don't want to see her grieving and suffering again because of that crazy guy. Sorry." That's how my chat I sent him, so he doesn't misunderstand me anymore.

"Oh. I see." I guess that's the only sentence he sent me to reply to my WhatsApp chat. Turns out I was wrong.

"Yes, no papa. I-i understand. Hopefully with this you and your mother are much better and happier. Until I will wait for you to come back. I'll keep you company even if our steps won't be in the same direction anymore. My message, take good care of yourself. Take care of your health, do not get sick. Now the most important thing is your mother. Do not hesitate or worry about the situation as it is today. Think no more of anything, think of your happiness and serenity with your mother even if she is not here anymore. Rest assured, I will wait for you to return. Whenever it is."

While reading the reply, accidentally my tears dripped again. As soon as my tears flowed.

"You're sincere? Did I make you sick?"

That's the question I asked him.

"Why am I not sincere? It's for your peace and happiness, and your mother. I'm sincere, as long as I can see the beautiful smile that rises in your lips again as before. Don't think about me. I'm it's okay. You never made me sick. Believe this. Hopefully after this you get your happiness back. Your happiness is my happiness, Nyet." The reply.

I know there's a sense that's actually hard for you to say. But, I'm stupid. I can't afford to ask you. I can only be silent, even though I know how many wounds are in your heart because of me. Forgive me. May happiness always be with you.

Seriate...