Scratches of Destiny

A Mother's Premonition

October 19th, 2018

"Aww. my head hurts so much." I complained by holding my head that felt so painful when I woke up.

Maybe this is one of the effects because last night I cried and slept too late.

Because I felt dizzy, I finally undo my intention to stand up, I sat down first so that my head improved a little. When it started to improve, I tried to stand slowly. Then I walked slowly with my hand holding the wall of my house as my defense so that I would not fall to the floor.

I walked to the bathroom, then I washed my face to look a little fresh even though I knew my face looked so lethargic and pale at the moment. After feeling a little more fresh, I continued to pour water on my limbs.

Not taking a shower, I'm just doing it.

I felt so cold this morning, I felt the cold like never before. Whether because of the cold weather or because of my physical health, I don't know.

After the ablution, I walked towards the direction where I kept my prayer equipment starting from mukenah, tasbih, sajadah, al-Qur'an. After until I immediately prepare whatever I need for my prayer activities and I start to wear my beloved face. It's still at 03:00 in the morning, which means I'm not doing the morning prayer but the evening prayer. Not istikharah, but tahajjud prayer. Because so far I have never prayed istikharah, my brain always thinks 'not yet'.

That's all that's always been on my mind.

Before performing the tahajjud prayer, I took a serpent and read the surah an-nas and ayat kursi first. Because according to the lectures I've heard, I, if you want to be more solemn in prayer then ask for forgiveness from Allah and then read the surah an-nas and the verse of the chair to avoid temptation - the temptation of syaiton that can make humans become unfocused to performing prayers. Read and live every prayer, remember all the sins that have been committed.

Finishing the tahajjud prayer, I continued by reading the holy verse of the Qur'an with a verse. My tears came back, I don't know what's wrong with me. From last night until now I was very sad, not usually I like this. My chest suddenly tightened, my vision began to blur, everything I saw became black. I paused for a moment to recover my slightly blurred vision, fortunately I was still able to support my own body.

If not, I'm sure I'll fall unconscious here. I don't want anyone to see me in this state let alone my mother, I don't want that to happen.

As much as I could try to be strong, I endured this pain all by myself.

"Bismillah, O God, strengthen me." I said softly with my eyes closed to endure the pain that I could not bear. But it is only to Allah that I hope and ask that Allah strengthen me, that I may look good - good in front of many people.

I don't want anyone else to be friends and be close to me just because I feel sorry for me, because I'm sick. So as to make others pity and want to be friends/approach me. I don't want that to happen, I just want others to approach and want to be my friend purely because of the desire of his heart, because of the sincerity of his heart. Not just for pity. Therefore, I want to always look good - just fine in front of them all.

"What's wrong with you, son?" asked my mother who was about to come up to me because she saw me close my eyes and look so pale

"No, ma'am." I gave my best smile to Mom so she wouldn't know the pain and sadness I was feeling right now.

"Don't lie to Mom, boy, your eyes are swollen. You look so limp and pale, you're sick?" mother asked me again with her hand that was about to touch my forehead to make sure I was a thug or not. But I quickly got up from my seat, and said, "I don't father Mom. Mommy don't worry like that. This is proof that Alira can stand, right? if Alira's sick, Alira must be hard to stand, ma'am, must be limp. You can just lie in bed."

I said that phrase with great joy. Yes, although cheerful it is just a falsehood that I created myself, I'm sorry, Mother. I didn't mean to lie to you, I just didn't want to see you sad and worried because of my true condition. Just strengthen me in the temple of prayer - your prayer, Mother.

Allahuakbar Allahuakbar

In my heart I give thanks to Allah SWT because with the sound of the voice of Adhan then I can divert the questions Mother. I just don't want to worry him, that's all.

"Already Adzan, I took ablution water first yes, ma'am."

I walked slowly to where the ablution returned, actually my head still hurts as much as my chest hurts. But all I hold and I cover for Mom, I don't want to make her anxious if I know the truth.

I poured water back on my limbs, then after I finished back to my prayer place. I did my own 2 raka'at, because Mom is not praying today.

Prayer by prayer I say to Allah SWT with full confidence and really. I always believed God would grant all my prayers, this is only a matter of time. Then I must be patient to wait for the rainbow of happiness to come.

As usual, after performing the morning prayer I returned to my morning routine. Then when the clock was showing at 11:15 I started getting ready to take a shower and prepare for my school needs. Before leaving I had to pray 4 raka'atku first, because the Adhan arrived at the time when I had not yet left for school.

After the dhuhur prayer I finished, I began to wear my uniform and volume. Continue by wearing belts, ties, socks and shoes.

"I'm ready." That's the chat I sent him.

Not long after he replied, "Okay I'm going to pick you up now."

I said, "Yes be careful."

He said a greeting with love-shaped emoticons and I returned a greeting accompanied by the same emoticon that he sent earlier.

Didn't wait so long, he had arrived in front of my house. I immediately grabbed my helmet and then closed the door and locked it as well. When I finished approaching him, I climbed in the back seat and put on my helmet. My habit is that I always put my bag in front, at the bottom. Because the bike he matic (Beat), who has a beat motor must know which part I mean.

•••

A few hours later, I arrived home safely with him. After driving me home, he said goodbye too. I went inside the house and I climbed the stairs to my room and put my bag to my usual place. I walked into the closet, I chose the clothes I was going to wear. After I finished picking the clothes, I walked towards the bathroom. After the bath, adzan maghrib had reverberated. Immediately I took the ablution water and then I put 3 raka'atku.

After the Maghrib prayer, I read surah yasin yesterday on Thursday I read it too.

"It is possible that you in your workplace only sell yourself, not to work halal. Your place of work is now deserted, right? No stitch order comes in, it's all because you're a cheat. I like to sell myself to others."

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