My Husband is a Ningrat

Chapters 10. [Which father, where? ]

For some reason lately the owner of that sincere smile haunted my mind. He really became a ghost that was interfering with my inner health.

I need a friend to tell me a story or at least I'll just go back home. It's been a week since my father didn't visit me just asking for money to eat or just crossing the street in front of the store.

Where exactly is dad? Even though he's annoying he's the only person I have right now. At least that's why I'm not the only child in the world.

I'm nodding. My decision is unanimous, I will take regular hours and go home to visit my father!

•••

As in previous days, the rice given by Kaysan slalu came through the hands of the online ojek. I accepted it, sometimes it was my desire to repay everything Kaysan gave me. But the sincere smile he developed sometimes scared me. Afraid that he would take it as a sign that I had opened myself up to him.

A genuine smile that he showed me every time we met. Scared me that I would fall into his power. I don't want to get caught up in such an impossible love.

But I have to, I don't want him to keep sending me lunch. Stalking at me all the time, or just watching me quietly. Looks like I should dare to resist, or am I overconfident? What if he did it all out of pity for my chaotic life? What if he did that for another woman?

I growled, dizzy myself thinking of Kaysan. But is he there to think of me?

Oh God. What other thoughts are these! I want to curse my heart that started to deviate from obeying my rules. I am the owner of this body and soul, and my heart must obey me. But why would my delusion be the owner of that sincere smile that haunts my mind and heart feel good! Secretly he must have had a study of mesem stew.

Huft. In order to neutralize the tension of my heart, I will be heartened to accept Kaysan to be one of my friends. It was the right decision, making him a friend. At least friends can be a place to complain, share jokes, laughter and tears. I don't hate him anyway. I just hate the genuine smile that adorns his face.

And if I were to respond to that smile, it would definitely tear down my pride wall. And, I easily accepted it in my life.

•••

Wednesdays.

Yesterday afternoon I went home to a rented house, looking for my father. I purposely brought her the kitchen and bath needs. But all I found was an empty house with no occupants, even the front porch was so dusty like it had never been broommed in a long time.

That afternoon I went to the neighbor's house and asked him where he was. They just said, my father when he came home must be drunk and careless. After waking up, go again somewhere.

Finally that night all I could do was clean the house and sort through the clothes that were a little normal and polite. Some tank tops and ripped jeans on my knees I put in the cardboard because tomorrow Sunday Nina and I agreed to a suburban study house. Routine things I do with Nina once a month. Not being a donor, Nina and I were just teachers of English and mathematics there.

It is not a lie if in this country, the education caste is divided into small boxes that distinguish the quality of schools. The better the school, the more expensive it will be. And vice versa, the more dilapidated the school the cheaper the price. So is the quality of how to learn.

So do not lie, if children on the periphery sometimes have to study more because books are a window to the world. Not to mention the distance they had to travel. Not the cans, Nina and I came once, but because there was only one vehicle. I finally decided to walk with the kids back home.

We have to travel along the 9 km, up and down the mountain and many curves. They pass by joking, mocking each other, or singing. It doesn't feel like 9km is like 9m. They love to go to school, meet with friends, because after school sometimes they have to come with their parents to the rice fields, just keep the goats or help find grass for animal feed.

I gasped, their energy was endless. Even if they think they only eat potluck, even if their chips only eat cassava crops garden. Is it a pleasure to be grateful?

From there I learned that we can expect something and receive whatever God gives us as long as we are grateful for His gift.

I went back to the store on foot for sport. I would have cooked if my father had come home with food that he could eat. I also brought the clothes that I will bring tomorrow Sunday. One full cardboard of disposable clothing.

I have also told the neighbors, if you come home later tell me to look for me in the store.Neighbors who memorized how my family can only nod at once concerned. There wasn't much they could do, as they also almost fared the same as me. The middle economy down.

I took my steps through the gayam coral market, occasionally circulating my views looking for the whereabouts of the father. Because I know the circulation is only around this market because the work is thugs who disturb the community.

I'm embarrassed, but he's my father. That's why I'm afraid of relationships with men. I'm afraid it's over or rejected because of a thug. Not at all fucked up!

Only once did I open my heart to men. The man who brought me to the Underground world. Introducing me to the frenzy of metal music. A man who is too possessive. He forbade me to be close to my fellow tongkrongan friends even though he was very kind. Funny again at that time, I was having dinner with Nina in Lesehan near the RRI building.

I left my girlfriend selflessly She was looking for me, she got me sitting next to the guy, who was obviously another buyer. But I thought I was eating with those I didn't recognize. He was angry, without asking why. All the way home, he silenced me.

He's the guy who stole my first kiss, so Nina used to mock me if it was obvious.

I understand, because I was about to graduate High School. I tried to live it, up to 2 years. But I started to take it off slowly, because I think the more I came here with Nanang the more pretence. Much of it he hid from me and agreed to leave me without cause.

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