Magic Lantern
The Story
The bianglala turned slowly. Stop occasionally. They both enjoyed the view from the top.
“This is called destiny. We met by accident.” Kreshna opened her voice,”I thought, I'll never see you again.”
Train just silence not responding.
“I'm not intentionally looking for excuses. I want to tell you everything. But your attitude is like confronting me. Makes me doubt. I don't want you to think I'm looking for a justification. Trying to find sympathy. I realized, the soul mate has arranged. We as human beings can only pray and pray. Can't force. In the end will receive what He has outlined.”
“I don't mean to confront. I just don't want to discuss anything. Just live everything as it is. So there is no disappointment, bad thinking or heartache. All can be accepted with roomy chest.”
“Do you want to listen to my story?”
“We're stuck in the bianglala. I thought, there's no harm in you telling me. I'll listen to you.”
“My parents got divorced. I feel like I'm wasted in my family. I can't go with my father and his family. With my mom and her family. I often feel alienated and like a thorn in the flesh. I just felt free when I was studying abroad. Work and have a life of their own. Both my parents. Stay responsible to me. My father left some money and savings for me to my mother. For my education and all my needs. My own mother always tried to take good care of me. It's just that I feel like a thorn in the flesh.”
“Then what does this have to do with us?”
“Alicia also betrayed me. Making my trauma shadow back.”
“Alicia betrayed you. But I'm the one you're legal with?”
“Not so. I'm afraid we've had a failure. I don't want my son to suffer a fate like mine.”
“I don't know how trauma works? But as long as you can't handle your trauma. We're not going anywhere.”
“Yeah! I'm glad you're starting to understand.”
“Can you explain. Why do you and Alicia seem so inseparable?”
“Gosh! She's married and you're still like that?”
“It has nothing to do whether he is married or not. Could you guys reunite? Especially if for example Alicia has problems at her wedding?”
Kontan Kreshna chuckled until his tears came almost out.
“Hmm, not funny...”.
“Funny dong!”
“Gak dong!”
“Funny!”
“Gak!”
“Ok! Whatever!”
“You feel my words are ridiculous. But I feel very reasonable.”
“I used to really like Alicia. Heartbroken when he betrayed me. Angry, disappointed and hurt. But time passed, everything changed.”
“Change how?”
“My feelings for Alicia changed.”
“I don't understand. You feel you have no family. But the truth is, the opposite.”
“I never felt like I had a family. Even though I have a father, a biological mother and keep it up. Brothers connect. But I'm not really connected to all of them.”
“Born in the meat you say?”
“Yeah!”
“Then you and Alicia?”
“I feel even though I and Alicia did not manage to be in a relationship as lovers. But I think only Alicia is my only family.”
“I don’t get it!”
“I feel besides him my best friend. Also my closest relatives and family.”
“You didn't mean to be drawing up an argument, did you?”
“Gosh!”
“Do I not say let alone ask?”
“No! Ok! Sorry, if I was such an irritant to you.”
“Nevermind.”
“For me, Alicia my only family.”
“Ok, I'm trying to understand and accept your explanation. But why are you still traumatized?”
“Trauma is something I will carry, maybe until I die. It has nothing to do with anyone. Alicia's betrayal made my trauma reappear. What if it all happened again like my parents did?”
“ Nobody knows about the future. But if the picture of marriage is like that. It all becomes very difficult, scary and shadowing.”
“Yeah! I'm glad you finally understand.”
“Understanding does not mean we find a solution. But at least your parents can be happy with their next marriage right?”
“But what about me? I felt the failure of their marriage. That thing that's been shadowing me. What if my first marriage failed. My son is going through the same thing as me? I'm not questioning my parents' second marriage but their first marriage? That's what's been overshadowing me.”
“I see your point. But there is nothing we can do but try and try not to do the same?”
“It should be like that. But my trauma looms. Moreover, you also look very close to Bima. It kind of reminds me of Alicia.”'s betrayal
“You can be close to Alicia. Consider family. Bla...bla..but it doesn't apply to me?” Ratih's face looked at Krishna with annoyance.
“The name is also trauma.”
“Trauma does not cause immediately you can double standard?”
“You yourself why can it be that close to Bima?”
“Maybe my relationship with Bima is the same as yours with Alicia.”
“But I don't like to see your closeness.”
“Indeed I love seeing you with Alicia so close?”
“Yeah! I thought I was selfish and double standard.”
“Indeed.”
“Then how?”
“What is how?”
“I still want us to live it all as it is.”
“I'm still with my opinion. If you can't set your mind. Overcoming trauma. We better live each of our lives. If we find our soul mate, we have each. The end of discussion. Maybe we are not fools. The road is not open. Always hesitate to step.”
“Why do you like to make things difficult?”
“Why don't you ever consider feelings?”
“I have to make sure of a few things. Especially the way we communicate. My parents separated because of this problem. You don't know how scary it is. Living something you already know is finally.”
Patience is exhausted. Indeed he is very different from Alicia who can be patient in understanding things.
“You start again! If you already know how it ends. Why are you still forcing me to live it? Just find out. It was very selfish and heartless. I think you should marry Alicia. And all these nightmares are over!” Practice with a tone full of emotion.
“Why should I marry Alicia?”
“Because she's the only one who can understand how freak and shitty you are. Understand all your selfishness. Dare to betray you. To teach you a lesson. If you're not trying to keep what you got. You will accept the consequences. Can't always expect everyone to stick around and accept your selfish attitude!”
“Why are you angry? This part that makes me doubt!”
“Oh Lord! Our conversation was exhausting. And it never changes even just a comma.”
“I only ask you to be patient.”
“Until when?”
“I don't know.”
Ratih looked at Krishna's face with no understanding, “We should respect each other's stance. How?”
Krishna looked at Ratih's face. The trauma that loomed over him made him deeply doubtful of what lay before him.
One side, he knew his feelings for sure. There's no doubt about it. But on the other side. The failure of his parents' marriage. The impact he felt. Something very real and tormented him for years. A feeling of a piece of kara and alienation that cannot be brushed off.
Bickering. Tension. Her parents decided to divorce. Clung in his mind. There is no place to share his emotions and feelings.
Both of his parents are busy with their divorce. Make sure they can handle everything well. Included need. Matterously. He lacks nothing. Everything went well. Even though both of his parents divorced. But affectively. He didn't get anything. Not when her parents were married or when they divorced.
They're very bad parents. In their marriage. He was never their priority. Both are busy fighting and fighting. There is no warmth. Harmony. Or whatever.
He never knew what the brothers were going through.
Harmonious parent relationship. Full attention. Everything that is needed in the family he heats up.
“It's okay. I can understand why you can't understand me.”
“I don't want to understand you. But can't.”
“Yeah! I-i understand. You want to hear my story. Trying to understand my situation. I've been very grateful to you.”
“I can't be like Alicia. Even though I want to change myself.”
“I'm not asking you to be Alicia or anyone else. I like you for who you are. But something made me doubt. I'm trying to figure it out. Whether my doubts are reasonable or not.”
“I understand. But I don't want to be your guinea pig. It all feels exhausting to me. I think there are things we can't force. Yes right?”
“I think you're right. Forcing is just frustrating and stressful.”
“Yeah.”
“Can I accompany you until you return?”
He looked at the face of Krishna. His heart became worried. At once not be. Ratih nodded his head, “Alright.”
“Thank you.” Kreshna's smile expands.
After boarding the bianglala. They chose to ride a duck water bike.
“How did you get through your days?” Patricia opens her voice. In the midst of silence that silenced them both.
“You mean?”
“Traumu?”
“Being in the middle of a biological mother with dad and siblings connecting? Maybe like a bad duck in the middle of a swan herd. You know that story?”
Ratih nodded his head, “You and Alicia?”
“Why me and Alicia?”
“You two're relationship?”
“I can freely share anything with him. Tell anything. Even asking for his help. Hmm, he helped me to get you.”
Ratih's face flushed. Kreshna laughed to see it.
“You are easily embarrassed. But I like to see your face reddish like a boiled crab.”
His face warmed up again. Krishna is back laughing.
“Why don't you choose to forgive Alicia. If among you a lot of comfort and compatibility.”
“Indeed you can like your siblings or cousins?”
“Not lah!”
“So how I feel about Alicia. I also don't know why it could just change. I consider it like my own brother or cousin.”
“But you have no siblings.”
“Indeed no. But I have a cousin. It's the same, right?”
“Yeah.”
“You're still intimidated by Alicia?”
Ratih's face turned red. Face heated. Holy hooch!
“I know you have a hard time believing. Many people lie and betray. But I said what to say.” Kreshna.
“You are so compact.”
“As I said. He's the only family I have. My own family, very foreign to me.”
“Do you love your father and mother?”
“Of course. But they feel foreign. I feel like I live in an orphanage. It's likely that you love everyone in the parlor. But it still feels foreign, right?”
He looked at Krishna's face. His heart felt pity.
“What's your plan?”
“You're like you're interviewing for a job.” Krishna is back laughing.
His face warmed up again.
“Of course go through my routine as usual. Trying not to bother you. Especially urgent you.”
“I didn't mean to make things difficult for you. I don't want to be disappointed. You understand what I mean?”
“Yeah! Very! I can't give you any certainty. Just to live my trauma. I feel like I'm out of breath every day. I'm not asking you to understand my situation. Because I know, we'll never understand if we never experience it ourselves. Through all the sadness and loneliness. Like you write a sentence in a piece of writing. The writing has already come out. How can you delete or repeat it?”
The coach chooses to listen.
“I was born in the world. There is no choice but to live. Not that I meant not to be grateful. But I felt that I was a mistake they were trying to forget. Remove and ignore. I often think. Maybe it's better if my mom miscarries or aborts me or gives me to a family that really cares about me. I don't know!”
Tears Ratih dripping. Rubbed it with both backs of her hands.
“Why are you crying?”
“I don't know what you're going through. But my heart is sad. I don't know. I feel your sadness. Even though I don't know what you're going through.”
Kreshna looked at Ratih's face very gently, “I won't make you sad. I understand all your considerations. Respect all your decisions. I also understand if we fail to live our relationship. Maybe we'll both be ruined.”
Ratih rubbed his eyes back with the back of his hand.
“I'm glad you understand how I feel. I didn't mean to make things difficult for you at all.”
“I understand. Sometimes I just can't help myself. Think maybe if we try to live. Everything will change.”
“What do you think? Is it true that everything will change if we try to live?”
“Traumaku, Alicia's betrayal, don't want to let you down. I think there's too much weighing on me. I can't promise anything.”
“So?”
“I thought, a soul mate is not something that is within human control. I thought you were right. We'd better leave it to the Power. He will open the way. If we are meant to be together.”
“I'm glad you understand me. Thank you.”
“You are a very deep and sensitive thinker. You don't think about everything from your point of view. Only interests. But overall. Maybe that's what makes me understand that there's no point in forcing the ego. Or our own point of view if we are not prepared to live the consequences.”
“Are you yourself comfortable living something without certainty?”
“Tired of course.”
“Yeah!”
“Indeed we'd better surrender. It will not be difficult for God to unite or separate. If we impose our own desires. Ignoring his will. We'll be tired ourselves. Maybe hurt each other. If something is like you said. Forced to undergo but it turns out we have each other's soul mate. Will be more painful.”
“Yeah!”
"Love does not always have but can be felt in the heart."
... ...
