LOCKDOWN A Love And Covid - 19

Am I Pregnant?

If this is taqdir..

I can do what :)

The day passes by, the sun always hides behind the thick clouds when the day is at its peak, as if the universe also understands the dark contents of my day without the presence of a love. Nothing advances, all worsens as seconds, minutes, and hours turn day into night and night back into day. The world is shaken by a plague that is spreading to everyone, regardless of age, not knowing the poor or rich, and from any blood type. Virus is too blind to choose, he'll be ready to alight anyone no exception me.

My concern is not for the corona problem that changed its name to covid-19, a new abbreviation issued recently, the reinkernation of the corona that increasingly enlivened to fill major cities in Indonesia. As casualties began to fall, some medical personnel did not return to their homes, leaving their children and wives at home to serve the people who came with a positive case of the covid-19 pandemic. The case that was originally only two positive people spread into the tens per day, and I can't imagine any other bad thing, I tried to divert my bad thoughts to caring about many humans this second. I care about one name that does not know where he is now, small businesses to large businesses have been done like spreading his picture on social media, he said, until the father who is willing to give a wad of money to airport officials to always be alert if he finds the figure of a man who just disappeared, my husband. Even my father had thought to spread his picture leaflets in every tree throughout the city of Yogyakarta, of course I forbid it. Because Firhan is not lost in the city of Yogyakarta, but in Jakarta, my feather.

The hysterical screams of my mother-in-law who loved Farhan became more and more alive when I was alone, even without me asking for the sound of it always dancing in the nerves of my brain that almost broke due to frustration.

I told my mom just as I was shutting myself up, three days after I was in a daze at the airport.

My tab screen lit up, I glanced lazily, never did my heart make any hope that the tab lit was a sign there was a message from Firhan. My guess is right, the flame of the tab is just a notification of this new news I read to eliminate the worry of father and mother. Because I have decided to reject their invitation to make me calm at my grandmother's house, ever since the nightmarish events and the cries I cried while sleeping made my father think of taking me away from the hill that contains all these memories. My eyes looked at the tab, my fingers moved upwards lowering my reading slide. But my mind was watching, dancing, fantasizing, when no one noticed my behavior I began to sob, I cried, and at the end of the day this became a preoccupation of myself being able to cry under the rain, no one knows and understands but me, the owner of tears.

I don't want this, and I need to understand the conditions, the positive things that I put in my brain arguments until there is a fierce debate in my mind, then there was a great fight in my mind between the positive and the negative. When the positive camp in my mind said he was okay, the negative column replied in a tone of anger "how is he okay in a pandemic season like this?!" Positive camp always loses in the war of arguments that occur in my silence, negative camp always wins representing all the circumstances created, a complicated plot in the drama of my life, the drama of my, a groove I can't guess what the ending is.

"have you finished reading the news?" mother's face appeared from behind along with the question sentence she uttered to me, her steps following me sat looking at the damp and cold pine tree. Mother smiled, but her smile was too forced for the sad face that was in each curve of the cheekbone, too lying if the face was smiling happily, mother was crying, she said, I knew from the rest of the clear grains stuck in the thin eyelashes and the red color surrounding the lighted whites of her eyes. The feeling deepened as our eyes met each other, he looked with a look at me, there was a cry he forced into a smile, I turned away from my mother's gaze. I always try to be okay in front of this woman, let me please do not cry, I said in my heart. I still didn't respond to Mom's question about the news she asked after or not. I was too afraid to make a sound, the more I made a sound, the more pressure there was from within the recesses of my broken heart. But anyway I have to force it.

"i always read kok buk, I'm not sad anymore." I lied again, but the more often the word I said the more convincing sound. Slowly I was good at lying. "oh I beg you not to cry so.." I asked him, I want to be angry this second. I tried to look strong but my mother showed her sadness in front of me, did not know that my sadness was more than she had.

"it's booing, I beg you." Can't bear to see her roaring with her grievous cry, her crying tone so pitiful, making my heart ache, that my tears smoothly come out. Unceasingly from her crying, she decided to give in and stay away from me.

That's how this late mother was, she felt sorry for me, and also worried for my husband, we were just as worried. Whether it's my family or Firhan's own. And I know, of course everyone will blame me for making Firhan come to Java. Again I still blame my decision, if there is Firhan and he hears my regret he will say.

"yes, it's okay what it's also been passed anyway." the extraordinary nature of patience is on him. But at a time like this, can he be patient? I hope so with you and I can imitate.

Some drops of sky water fell to the top of my head slowly, soon it will surely rain, should the month of March has entered summer. But from the day I was almost hit by a tree, the next few days became somber, as dark as my face at this time.

I bite my lips, trying to think hard, am I pregnant? I asked in this fragile heart, my sighs and heartbeats increased, I reached for the phone to call a name on my phone call *my sist.

"casualien*..."

I said to greet him with longing because for more than a year we did not meet, he was far away in Batang City, where grandma.

"waalaikumsalam, you're not busy..?"

I asked about his activities, of course, at the end of this he will be busy as a doctor.

"alhamdulillah there is a deck time, you how are you..? Subhanallah misses you..."

"uwuwuwu I'm healthy, I'm always happy on the side of father and mother at the moment. I miss you too, when do I play. May the plague go away so we can walk again."

"you didn't play Azalea anyway, she was an apple before. Huuuu" my brother sneered from across I just muttered with a smile, because I knew the interlocutor would know if we spoke with a smile.

"busy is often crying. He was worried about my condition. I must have told you that too, right..?"

"iyya, mother of the deck story." said the brother with a very attentive tone with me. The voice that accompanied me for ten years.

"you must be strong, you must not despair. Now the most important thing for you is to try to stay healthy in order to pray for your husband." I nodded even though I knew my brother didn't see my nod. A few seconds later I couldn't take it anymore, this nausea was present again.

"emm mbak, honestly not good anymore either. I'm just not sure but the last three days I've been nauseous, a few times my stomach's been cramping so much, I've been sensitive to the smell of fried onions, the smell of perfume and more surprisingly I've had my period too late.

Am I pregnant?" ask me to make sure to a private doctor I'm far away.